Jun. 9th, 2013 01:34 am
ladydrace: (Crap)
Okay, so I've gotten some preliminary dates. Due to summer holidays across the board we've been fortunate enough to be allowed to keep Pea over the summer. 9 more weeks until he goes away. The introduction and move itself will take place over the course of a single week, because apparently this is what experience has taught the foster family is best. Meanwhile I get to prepare Pea nice and slowly for the fact that he's going to go to these people. I doubt I can really explain to him that he's supposed to live with them, but preparation is everything, so the more he's aware of the change coming, the better.

And then I won't be able to have him home for 6 whole fucking months. I'm not sure how much I'll be allowed to visit, either, but goddammit, I hope I'll be allowed some. Because it hurts my heart just thinking about it. After that the plan is to slowly start having him home with me every other weekend, and maybe 3 entire weeks a year. B is apparently getting a different deal, but since he's hardly even willing to talk to me these days I have no idea.

When he does talk to me, all he does is whine about how he feels useless. He never does anything. Never seeks help, never tries to improve things for himself or Pea, never tries to change anything at all. My sympathy for him started to run dry ages ago, and we're scraping the bottom now. If he wants Pea around more, he's going to have to take steps to accommodate Pea's needs. Which he has never done, despite repeated promises. I am done waiting for him to act.

My sisters have not said a single word to me about this whole thing, and I'm sort of naïvely hoping it'll stay that way. Because what I don't need right now is to defend my reasons for accepting this. They might be willing to gamble everything for the slightest chance, but I'm not. The time I would spend battling the system could be much better spent helping Pea. And if the county won't allow me to do it, then fine, I'll step back and let someone else. I won't like it, but I'll accept it.

ladydrace: (Crap)
... in this whole mess of foster care preparations... people giving me these long speeches on how I'm doing the right thing for Pea.

That's easy for you to say, you fucktards, you're the winners in this.

It would be like the winner of a gunfight saying to the loser: "See, I told you this was for the best!"

Meanwhile I'm over here with pain in my chest.

ladydrace: (OTPea)
So we had a meeting with the new county yesterday, and we did not get the answer we were hoping for. Or that I was hoping for anyway. Not sure where B stands these days.

This county also recommends foster care, but for a different reason, and this time I don't know how to fight it.

Read more... )
ladydrace: (Black Funk of Doom)
I realized something yesterday which left me stunned for a while.

Thinking back on it, my recurring depression has only been around while I lived at my previous address. Before then I had some other issues, but nothing that required medical attention. I didn't need meds or psychotherapy before I moved there. And within a moth of moving, the depression was as good as gone.

I. Am. Gobsmacked.

I still have a personality disorder, but that's something you can live with. As long as it feels like life isn't actually the blackest and most pointless shit ever invented, then you can keep moving. You can do things. You can live.

Using my depression icon hopefully for the last time ever.
ladydrace: (brb dying)
Right. Pea's case has now officially started with my new county. Today I had a visit from the person handling the case, and she seems nice, but also kind of a hardass. But in a good way. She sort of reminds me of Dean Winchester in the way that she does whatever the fuck needs to be done, but really wants to just do the best for everyone.

For one thing, she asked me straight up (if a little brutally) if I thought I could be more than a normal parent for Pea's more than normal needs. I of course said yes, with the right help, and she held my gaze for a long time. I hope she found what she was looking for. I sure felt I was speaking truth, and I can only hope she saw that in my eyes.

She'll be talking to B sometime next week and then there'll be a meeting with me and B together. She made it clear that the county has made no official decision on anything yet, so at least for the moment, no one is trying to take Pea away from me. *jelly legs*

I begged her for a chance to prove that I can do this. Not sure if she's willing to give it to me, but at least for now there's hope.
ladydrace: (No lace mrs Bennet!)
[ profile] mr_picard gave me the age of 20!

I lived in an apartment in Nørresundby..

I drove nothing of my own. Buses, dude.

I was in a relationship with B and it was all cute and happy and... *sigh* those were good times.

I feared that I was never going to graduate college. Oh how simple things were then. (Not that I was wrong to fear such things, as it turns out.)

I worked for a while as a cleaning lady at a daycare and some offices. After that I went to college.

I wanted to be right where I was. Just moved away from home, my first boyfriend by my side, new hobbies, new friends, starting my life at last.

Want to meme? Tell me how old you are, and I'll pick a random age for you to remember.

ladydrace: (Sam put on his own socks)
Going through all of this with Pea has taught me one thing about myself that I never knew.

I need to be needed.

I was aware before this that I like to be needed. Nothing made me happier as a kid than when my mom told people how good I was at helping around the house or reminding her to take her meds and stuff like that. I felt so good making sure B had clean clothes and hot meals. And I never felt like a more accomplished parent than when Pea was tiny and everything was a simple matter of food, diaper or sleep.

But after the divorce, during the slump where my mom was far away, B didn't need me anymore and Pea seemed to much better with anyone other than me... that was a low point.

Now? Pea has a diagnosis which makes me absolutely convinced that as much as other people might be able to offer him more professional treatment, what he needs is his mom. And I feel so goddamn good about being needed. Really needed.

I have a depressing theory that it's because deep down I feel like I don't deserve decent care, but everyone else does. So doing something just for my own sake never really feels worthwhile, but as soon as it's someone else's needs on the table, it's suddenly important.

This is all very sad, but considering how much time I've spent in therapy with no progress on this, I'd much rather focus on using it. Keeping myself needed keeps me going. Keeping myself going builds my confidence and gives me all these little victories I haven't had for way too long. Maybe some day I'll feel that doing things for myself matters. But until that day comes I will shamelessly use others as motivation to get shit done.

ladydrace: (brb dying)
Wrote a mile-long letter to some people who are supposedly going to be involved in my case. If not, they will know where to send it. I want to make sure as many people as possible get to see my side of this.

I was also called by a very nice lady about Pea's daycare. She couldn't say for sure yet if he could stay or not, but she was so damn chipper and nice that I could only smile. Friendly people makes such a fucking difference, you have no idea. She said she would find out for me and contact me ASAP. Fuck yeah.

We still have a meeting planned for May 2nd with Pea's psychiatrist, but we probably won't know until the last minute whether it'll have to be postponed or not.

Oh, and more on the good news front. My support person told me that she could probably help me so I wouldn't have to move, even if everything goes to shit and it ends up being foster care anyway. Which it won't. Because over my fucking dead body, that's why.

So now I'm currently researching what options for aid there is for families dealing with autism, because if they want to argue that I'm not doing enough, I am not going to give them any ammunition.

Next week will probably also be the last week Pea will spend with his daddy on "school nights". Meaning that B will go from being 50% parent to something like 20%, only having Pea over on weekends and holidays. Considering that B loses either way, this is good for everybody. As long as I hold the reins, B gets to see Pea as much as he likes whenever he has days off. With the county in charge, he would at best get a few hours here and there, and never any sleepovers. Which I find unacceptable, because B might be a lot of things, but he's Pea's dad, and Pea needs his daddy in his life.

So. Shit is going down. The party never stops. Wheeeeee.

ladydrace: (Richard S J Squee)
Whichever god listened to my mass plea for aid... THANK YOU!

I have been granted a stay. Pea's case has been moved to my county, which means that I have a chance to have things re-evaluated. I have a fucking chance.

And this time, I am not taking their word for anything. This is war.

I have written to a lawyer, requesting advice for the case ahead. My brand spankin' new support person is actually on my side in this. My sister is offering advice which is surprisingly helpful. I am hoisting my goddamn banner again as we speak!


Now, does anyone have a spare pair of knees? Mine don't seem to work right now... *wobble*

ladydrace: (Crap)
  • Still don't know what I'm going to live on for the next many months. I could end up getting evicted. Worst case scenario, but still. Jesus fuck.
  • Still have no idea what the hell I'm going to say to Pea. How to explain to him that he has to go live with these other people. How the hell... I cry a lot.
  • Still trying to find a fucking loophole. Not sure there even is one, but I'm desperate. Grasping at straws.
  • Nobody can tell me anything. NOT KNOWING IS FUCKING KILLING ME, OKAY!?
ladydrace: (Default)
The battle is lost. The county just called. Based on the information they have, they do not feel it's worth it starting another investigation into my parenting skills. They don't feel I am stable enough for Pea's needs. They need to see a longer period of stability before they're willing to reconsider the matter. Which means that Pea is going into fostercare.

The fact that Pea is doing well right now is not important, apparently. They are going to uproot him completely because he might not do well in the future. Might.

Fuck it all.

They keep saying the task now will be to get him back home, but even if that happens, it probably won't be for another five years. Pea will be 9 years old, then. Jesus fuck. And how the hell am I supposed to learn how to deal with Pea's issues if I don't have him with me? "But you'll see him something like every other weekend." Oh, yeah, that'll teach me loads about how everyday life with an autistic child is. Loads. Not. Bastards.

Fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

ladydrace: (Sowwy Cas)
I have just not been able to keep up with things on LJ and DW lately. I only seem to remember to check in every couple of weeks or so, and I am so sorry if I've missed any major points in your lives.

Real life is just being crazy, and I have pretty much given up on blogging about all of it. Basically these days I only blog when I just randomly get the urge to do so, so what I write probably doesn't reflect very accurately what's going on in my life.

The broad strokes are as follows: Still no news about foster care. Slight progress on getting help for my head. Zero improvement in financial situation. Issues with B are slowly cropping up more and more, and moods are tense. Things are truly coming to a head. I expect some chaos in my near future when this all culminates.

But Pea is beautiful and perfect, and my head is at least keeping its bitching at a level where I can function fairly well, which is a MAJOR improvement.

And I'm still churning out writing like woah. Whatever is doing that, please never stop!
ladydrace: (Free Hugs)
I'm just so happy to be alive right now. I haven't been on medication for ages, my anxiety is a mere tickle, depression is only there when there's actually something to be down about and I have actual hope for the future.

My financial situation is still horrific, and Pea might still go to a foster home. But that's for tomorrow. Today the sky is blue and the sun is high. I feel good, my son is doing great, my whole family is doing well and... I think I might actually have a new friend.

My muses are practically piling writing mojo on me, I sleep amazingly well at night... and I've done actual gardening this week. Who'd have thunk...

To all of you, my dear friends, I say: may you all have sunny days like these. *hugs* I love you all!

Joygasm gif

ladydrace: (OTPea)
Went to see the potential foster family today. And while I still hope it won't come to that, I can't honestly find a single fault with these people. They seem down to Earth, practical, kind, understanding and more than willing to work with us to make things best for Pea. So if it comes down to it, I wouldn't be worried letting Pea stay with them.

That said, our social worker was surprisingly willing to reconsider the matter. He says he'll call some people about re-evaluating and then get back to us later this week. He seems to think there's a chance I could win. Given what he knows now he still maintains that foster care would be best, but he's willing to get new information, and he gladly listened to my reasons why I believe my way is a better choice.

I spoke with Pea's daycare, and all they could say was that from what they could tell, Pea is doing great. Whether that's down to one thing or another they couldn't say. But they had nothing to pin on my efforts at least.

B is very hesitant, but I think given enough time he'll agree that this will be best for all of us.

So it's in the hands of our social worker for now. And while I wait to hear back from him I'll call some more people and gather some more support.

Onwards into battle!
ladydrace: (OTPea)
So. The verdict is in. Pea has autism. I was half sure we'd be told that there would be no labeling what he has, but to my surprise, not only does he have autism, he's actually pretty much smack in the middle of the scale. I'd assumed that if he did have something autism-related that he'd be on the edge of the spectrum, only barely qualifying for the diagnosis. But apparently, to a specialist, he's a pretty classic case.

And I as I read more about autism, it also becomes clear that there have been signs his entire life. If you know what you're looking for.

The people at daycare didn't even bat an eyelid either.

I'm happy with the diagnosis. Knowing what we're dealing with will help Pea so much. Anything that can make life easier for him is great in my book.

But, as I'm pretty sure can be expected, I'm also kinda down about it. Knowing how many challenges Pea will have to look forward to in his life makes me downright depressed. He's already trying so hard to understand what's going on around him, and as he grows it sure won't be any easier.

There's also the downside that since we now know it's autism, we also know that this isn't something he'll outgrow. He'll most likely learn to live with it, but this will have an effect on his entire life. On top of that, the psychiatrist also warned us that Pea might be slightly retarded. There's no telling until he gets older and his communication gets better. Personally I don't think he is, but his development goes up and down like a rollercoaster, so there's just no knowing where things will go yet.

My poor baby.

The good news is that since we still haven't heard a peep about foster care, I'm assuming they'll take his diagnosis into account when finding a family for him, so he can get the best possible care.

As for myself... I think I need a little while before it really dawns on me that I'm now mother to an autistic child, and what this might mean for us as a family.
ladydrace: (Free Hugs)
Today was great. Not only was my general faith in humanity restored when I finally managed to sell Pea's baby carriage, after having been blown off very rudely three times by potential buyers, but upon coming home form daycare, the most extraordinary thing happened.

Pea wanted to go to the playground, so we did. There was another mother and her barely 2-year old there, and I immediately got a little anxious, since it's always 50/50 whether Pea is okay with other kids or not. Turns out that Pea absolutely adored that little guy and happily played with him, gentle and considerate. I was so proud. And apparently having the other kid there made Pea a little braver, so he took his first trip on a lift-slide thingy that he's so far been too afraid to try alone, and we had the best time.

And best of all, while Pea and the little kiddo was playing, me and the other mom had a spontaneous heart to heart. She lives close by and she's in similar circumstances to mine. She's also been through years of mental issues, she's also on welfare and she's also struggling to keep her baby. She seems to have won her battle, though, but she had some additional insight to offer, which frankly almost made me cry right there in the playground.

It turns out both she and her sister went into foster care, and she made it clear that while she was more than aware of how painful it must be from the mother's side, she and her sister never lacked for anything and they adore their mother, even though they only saw her once a week as they were growing up. It gives me so much hope that as Pea grows he'll learn to understand that it wasn't because I didn't love him that I allowed this to happen, and if I'd had any other choice I would have made that one instead.

Talking to this woman was such a spot of sunshine for me. Before this I never even knew how much difference it would make to talk about this to someone who has actually been there. Who understands all the issues involved, without me having to explain every step of the way. From that 10 mins chat with a complete stranger, I got my heart lightened more than years of therapy ever managed.

My faith in the world has been restored for a time. Thank god.
ladydrace: (Phoenix purple x-men)
Finally some goddamn good news!

Lots of news under here! )

TL;DR: I'm okay. I'll make it.

ladydrace: (Vomit now?)
*crack of thunder*

I am really very bitter right now.

I moved to this place, this apartment, specifically to make things better for Pea. I accepted it before I knew I wouldn't actually be having him here. When I realized that he'd be going into foster care, I did some calculations and I thought I could make it work with the information I had at the time. But now, starting my 3rd month here, it's clear that I cannot afford it. Pea is still with me, and therefore I still get certain financial benefits, but it's already tight since his address is now at B's. When Pea goes away, I will be so so fucked.

I've had to borrow money from the bank to make ends meet this month, but I don't know what I'll do next month. My mother says she'll help me, but she's not rich either. She can't support me, and neither should she.

So. All signs point to the fact that I need to move again. As soon as humanly possible. Into something much smaller. The good news is that since I'll be moving to something else in this town, I won't have to move far, and therefore won't need a moving company. I'll probably also have to sell at least half of all my furniture, but fuck that. I need food more than I need a cupboard. I'll live in boxes if I have to. I just have to make the goddamn ends meet.

I'm tired from my first move and the thought of going through another one so soon makes me wanna cry. And I have. Fuck. Looks like 2013 will be a year of stress and despair.

It seems that no matter how hard I try to do the right thing, all my good intentions are flung back into my face.

Just to put the cherry on top of the cake, I also finally got word from the psychiatrists. They've given up on me. In their own words: "In the future we would recommend a social support effort rather than medical or psychiatric treatment." What the hell am I going to do with that?! If I take their word for it and roll over, that would also mean that any hope of getting Pea home again will be lost. Which is fucking unacceptable. They can't do this to me.

I think right now I'm even past a point where I'm surprised every time more shit falls onto my head. That fact that I haven't had a nervous breakdown yet is some kind of miracle. Lots of other weird stuff going on with my head, but as long as I'm still standing, I can make it. I have to make it.

Well fuck.

Mar. 1st, 2013 04:01 pm
ladydrace: (Crap)
I might have to move again.

This is bad.
ladydrace: (Crap)
It's all crap. So let's stick to fandom.


ladydrace: (Default)
Lady Drace

April 2016

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