ladydrace: (Default)
Reading up on gastric bypass has, if nothing else, given me insight into the near-suicidal disregard many people have for their health. Like 99% of what I could find on the subject was from the US (which makes sense, because Denmark is TINY) and I know their healthcare system is vastly different from ours, but holy crap...

The shit I read about people doing before/after surgery... it's like they WANT complications. "My stomach hurts, I'm so scared!" I get that you're scared, friend, but maybe going fucking binge drinking a week out of surgery wasn't your brightest moment. Liquid diet does not mean "excuse to pickle yourself in alcohol".

And don't even get me started on the perfectly slim people who pay shady doctors to have it done, just to lose those last pesky ten pounds. I'm in awe of the stupidity.

I can barely even find mentions of health. It's all about how much they lost, down to the ounce, and I'm sitting here wanting to know if I can still take painkillers in pill form, or what happens if I get stomach flu, or if my meds will even still be absorbed, or how you cope with the dietary demands alongside other health issues. There was one lady on youtube who warned that the poop would be different, and YES, THANK YOU NICE LADY, these are the things I need to know in advance, please. 

Finding what I need on this is soooo hard. Like, loose skin is gonna happen. Does it hurt when you run? I mean, does it pull at you as it moves? And what about anxiety? Do the changes in your body change your mental state? Do different things trigger your anxiety compared to before?

And I can't find a single word about autism in relation to gastric bypass, which makes me worry that it's a thing doctor's wouldn't recommend to someone with autism. (I don't really think so, it's more likely any patients with autism find documenting it too challenging.) And what about your kids? They're bound to ask questions. What do you say? What if you miss a few meals? There's a lot of info about "dumping" that happens when you eat too much or the wrong things, but nothing about the effects of missing meals.

And I only found a single mention of taking precautions in the event of death during surgery. It's like people are deliberately ignoring the possiblity. Just because the risk is low, it doesn't mean it isn't there.
ladydrace: (Black Funk of Doom)
I realized something yesterday which left me stunned for a while.

Thinking back on it, my recurring depression has only been around while I lived at my previous address. Before then I had some other issues, but nothing that required medical attention. I didn't need meds or psychotherapy before I moved there. And within a moth of moving, the depression was as good as gone.

I. Am. Gobsmacked.

I still have a personality disorder, but that's something you can live with. As long as it feels like life isn't actually the blackest and most pointless shit ever invented, then you can keep moving. You can do things. You can live.

Using my depression icon hopefully for the last time ever.
ladydrace: (Free Hugs)
Today was great. Not only was my general faith in humanity restored when I finally managed to sell Pea's baby carriage, after having been blown off very rudely three times by potential buyers, but upon coming home form daycare, the most extraordinary thing happened.

Pea wanted to go to the playground, so we did. There was another mother and her barely 2-year old there, and I immediately got a little anxious, since it's always 50/50 whether Pea is okay with other kids or not. Turns out that Pea absolutely adored that little guy and happily played with him, gentle and considerate. I was so proud. And apparently having the other kid there made Pea a little braver, so he took his first trip on a lift-slide thingy that he's so far been too afraid to try alone, and we had the best time.

And best of all, while Pea and the little kiddo was playing, me and the other mom had a spontaneous heart to heart. She lives close by and she's in similar circumstances to mine. She's also been through years of mental issues, she's also on welfare and she's also struggling to keep her baby. She seems to have won her battle, though, but she had some additional insight to offer, which frankly almost made me cry right there in the playground.

It turns out both she and her sister went into foster care, and she made it clear that while she was more than aware of how painful it must be from the mother's side, she and her sister never lacked for anything and they adore their mother, even though they only saw her once a week as they were growing up. It gives me so much hope that as Pea grows he'll learn to understand that it wasn't because I didn't love him that I allowed this to happen, and if I'd had any other choice I would have made that one instead.

Talking to this woman was such a spot of sunshine for me. Before this I never even knew how much difference it would make to talk about this to someone who has actually been there. Who understands all the issues involved, without me having to explain every step of the way. From that 10 mins chat with a complete stranger, I got my heart lightened more than years of therapy ever managed.

My faith in the world has been restored for a time. Thank god.
ladydrace: (Crap)
Good god, this move is going in the crapper.

Due to delays with mail and stuff, I might not be able to get the keys for my new place in time for the move, which means that worst possible scenario is that I'll need to postpone the move. And I have to be out by 1/1-13.  Which is still possible, sure, but it's gonna be extra stressful, and I probably won't have time to clean the apartment, which means I'll have to pay for it, which means yet another expense on top of several other unexpected ones raining down on me right now. Especially if I need to move the date for the moving company. They'll probably want some kind of compensation. Fuck.

I may or may not also have destroyed my washing machine. And I have only my own stupidity to blame.

I also still haven't been able to sign the lease yet, which is giving me nightmares.

I'm also behind on packing, but unless something truly horrible happens, I'll catch up. I hope. If I don't manage it, I'll just have to move the last few things at a later time, I suppose.

I'm feeling lonely as fuck, terrified and tired. It's too fucking much. How I ever thought I could do this alone is beyond me. I'm not strong enough for this.
ladydrace: (Vomit now?)
Meeting today was beyond brutal. Imagine having every single one of your flaws typed up and printed out. 17 pages of why you suck.

That was my day.

Fuck.

My.

Life.

Explanation: The goal of this entire months long exercise was to pinpoint where B and I need help raising Pea, so of course it makes sense to highlight all the trouble areas. But 17. Fucking. Pages. Omfg. Right now it's a real honest to god struggle to remember why I should even bother being around. Not that I'm thinking of ending things, thank god, but wow. Everything seems fucking pointless right now.

ladydrace: (Do they have a name for what's wrong wit)
Do not try and explain anything about your mental condition to the daycare bitch. Ever. All you will get in return is condescension and ignorance. It is not worth it. She does not want to understand you.

This has been a service announcement, self. Do yourself a favor and remember it.

ladydrace: (Painful Burning Sensation)
Wow, my life is being really stressful right now and in an effort to keep things straight in my head, and maybe try not to panic, I'm gonna try and write it all out here.

Green Pea:

-He is signed up for a special needs kindergarten, hopefully starting in August. That's finally settled completely.
-His special caretaker is working absolute wonders with him and he adores her. And better still, I feel really good about her, which I can most certainly NOT say about his daily caretaker.
-And on that subject, she has expressed worry that Pea might be having some asthma, but I personally think her grounds for that are very slim. But to keep the peace, I have contacted the doctor for an appointment this week. However, since Pea's currently not having symptoms, I wonder what they might look for in him. I'll have to call them tomorrow and ask if they want to wait to see him until he has symptoms again.
-We were also offered additional parenting advice from the county and we took it, to at least not seem ungrateful. So far they have had nothing to offer, telling us that Pea is doing great and that it's extremely limited what they might help us with. This is good, but we're letting their evaluation continue to the end, which means at least 2 more home visits and one major meeting. Ugh. I don't like "official" visitors. Scratch that. I don't like visitors, period.

-Pea personally is doing well. Learning to talk at super sonic speed and giving up pacifiers without too much of a fuss. I'm so proud of him.


Me:

-Still no word from the psychiatrist my doctor referred me to. But I didn't expect it so soon either. Waiting lists are a bitch.
-My meds are proving to need more adjustment than I expected. It could be because I'm older now, or maybe I've just gotten worse. In any case, I've had to be a little creative and sometimes skip a dosage to get stuff done. It's probably not something that would be advised by any doctor, but it's what's currently working for me.
-Went to a meeting with my job councilor at the county. She was appalled to hear how my doctor treated me, and implored me to get a new one. I agree with her that it would probably be best, but I'm angsting over it a lot, because I've switched doctors so many times in the past. It makes me feel like I'm some sort of hypochondriac, ditching the doctors who won't give me pills. I know that's not the case, but my head likes to tell me I suck. *le sigh* But I will be looking into it at least.
-The councilor also convinced me to get some home aid. I'm not entirely sure what it'll be for yet, but if nothing else, it will be someone to hold my hand for stuff like switching doctors. No knowing when (or if) I'll even get one, so for the moment this is just a possibility.
-I'm also having some mild money troubles, but hopefully they should be over by April. Not feeling desperate yet, thank god.
-The good news is that I'm fairly healthy at the moment. Not sick, for once, sleeping at night and generally feeling good physically. I'm tired, but that's just life with mental illness. I can't even remember the last time I wasn't constantly tired.

TL;DR: There's an awful lot of people involved in my life at the moment, and my knee-jerk response to that is to tell them all to fuck off and leave me alone. But sadly, that would be counterproductive right now, so I shall endure. The battle to get better and be a good mom continues. *hoists banner and peeps out a weary battle cry*

Up next: fandom and other pleasant stuff!

ladydrace: (Do they have a name for what's wrong wit)
Well, my appointment with the doctor yesterday was massively disappointing. He told me in no uncertain terms that he didn't know what to do with me. I went home feeling like a huge failure and spent the rest of the day in bed. Thanks, Doc. Not. Got another appointment in 2 weeks, apparently to give the meds more time to settle. But I really got the sense from him that he wanted me to tell him what to do with me. How the hell should I know?! If I knew how to fix this shit, then I would bloody well be out there doing it right the fuck now!

I don't like this doctor. He's kind of an ass.

However, in the waiting room I was pleasantly surprised. I was sitting there trying discreetly to relieve the pressure in my ears. It goes haywire every time I have a cold and since the "popping" of my eardrums often make my eyes water and my nose run, I was holding a tissue in front of my face and I suspect I was making some sniffly noises. An elderly couple in front of me were casting me glances and when I was done sniffling, the wife came over and patted me on the shoulder and asked if she could sit with me. She then proceeded to make small talk, being exceptionally nice and only then did it occur to me that she may have thought I was crying earlier. Every once in a while, my faith in humanity is restored. :o)

And now I really need to make some more fannish posts, because this is just too depressing.
ladydrace: (Phoenix purple x-men)
Well, here I am at job-testing. The project leader has stepped out for a bit and I've decided to take advantage of it and waste some time online.

Job-testing isn't going all that well, but I'm still optimistic. I've had to cancel a lot because of Pea or stress, but I still want this and it almost feels like having a life again, so I'm keeping at it.

I've also finally started therapy again and I'm really hoping that the combination of actually doing something with my days and having coping methods drilled into my skull simultaneously will make all the difference.

In other news, this summer is going to be a bitch. It seems I'm "lucky" and practically all holidays that cause daycare to close fall in the weeks that I have Pea. I'm not good at having Pea for full days. Not that it's hell or anything, but I just feel so bad for being unable to do much with him. We go to playgrounds or visit grandma and that's about it. I'm still terrified of going places further than a bus-ride away and I hate that my fear of the world is rubbing off on Pea. Because it is. I haven't seen many signs of it yet, but it can't possibly be kept from him forever. And I'm still so tired. So very tired. Always tired. I hate my brain.

In somewhat better news, Pea likes me better these days. He has begun getting upset when daddy picks him up and he hugs me more than he used to. It helps my insecurity a LOT. My boy is a sweetie, even though he's still mostly daddy's boy.

Pea will be 2 years old in 10 days. Wow. How times flies. The bad news is that apparently my digital camera has croaked. No matter how many fresh batteries I tempt it with it keeps saying: "change batteries". Bah. Thankfully, my phone seems to take decent pictures, so I do have new pics to offer when the day comes.

The Sunday following  his birthday, I have volunteered to make a pot of coffee and have all the grandparents over. B and I have decided that as long as we're getting along as well as we do, there is no reason for us to celebrate Pea separately until he has any wishes of his own.

And while we're on the subject of Pea, there is another reason why this summer is going to kill me. B's annual acting is starting up and they have 2 weekends in a row where they rehearse all day. I have volunteered to have Pea both of those weekends. I'm doomed. I need to plan some activities like the Zoo or something, or I will go completely bonkers. Pea needs to be entertained or he'll make trouble at home. I have already lost a few fragile items due to his cabin fever on days where the weather was not good enough for playing outdoors. :oS What I really need are some play-dates or something.

Anyways, enough wasting time. Back to what I was doing. Typing up stuff. Oh goodie.
ladydrace: (Default)
So! 5 days into my latest pill-popping. Things are ironing out nicely. Still some stomach issues and other interesting, yet managable, side-effects, but the intended effect is still going strong. I'm so very happy with this. :oD Who cares about upset stomach, dizzy spells and dry mouth, when you can sleep decently every night (even if you do still need a nap in the middle of the day...) and actually hear yourself think again. In other words, I'm still feeling good. Keep all digits crossed that it stays that way!

Next fannish theme of the week is coming up, soon. So stay tuned!
ladydrace: (OMGWFT)
Went to the doctor yesterday. Got rid of my most recent meds. Finally, no more paranoia!

However, to my surprise, he had another type ready for me to try. It sounded good, so I accepted. He did warn me that they were known for making people sleep the day away, but I was like: "Meh. Other meds have claimed the same with no effect. Phooey." So I went home, and since I hadn't taken my pills that morning I took the new combination before starting dinner.

Let's just say, I never made dinner. Or breakfast. I was hit in the head with a hammer and fell asleep before 6pm and didn't wake up properly until 10am. And I'm still feeling somewhat fuzzed over.

BUT, BUT, BUT! These are the first pills I've ever taken, who keeps their promises so well (and so promptly)!

My head. Is. Quiet. When I turn off all sound, I can sit and enjoy the peace for the first time in years, without starting to panic over the chaos in my brain. It's a bloody miracle, that's what it is! Side effects are kind of heavy, but if I can manage to wake up properly, once I get a routine going, this medicine will be a true and utter miracle. This could save my life. Oh my god. I hardly know what to do first!?

I'm ok.

Dec. 29th, 2010 09:55 am
ladydrace: (Default)
I'm doing better today. I took a benzo (two, actually), because it got to a point where it was either that or call a hotline of some sort. (Got some coded into my phone. Just in case.)

I really think I was going crazy for real. Reality was certainly twisted for a while, because any doctor with any common sense would tell me to take a benzo and get some rest after the second round of stomach flu in 2 weeks (puking up my meds) and a serious episode of depression.

Besides, when I woke up, it occurred to me that I'd be breaking several other promises if I didn't get it under control by any means neccessary. I promised both my psychiatrist and my regular doctor (not the one with the new meds) that I would do something immediately if I got suicidal.

Not to mention Pea. I promised him my life the day I brought him into this world. I cannot lay the burden on him of having his mother leaving him behind. I'd rather be in the looney bin than that. At least the looney bin has visiting hours...

I want to thank all of you. All of my friends. I can't believe I'm lucky enough to have such caring and wonderful friends. Even if we've never met, trust me when I say that you mean an awful lot to me. I cried when I read your good wishes, and it was a good cry for once.

You guys give me hope. I love you all. *HUGS*
ladydrace: (Black Funk of Doom)
Well, I wanted to post about my awesome Christmas, but sadly, I've come down with a serius case of the funk. Plus, I've got Pea and daycare is closed for the holidays. So I'll be busy with him and my brain.

But I promise I'll be back when I'm done feeling like a worthless piece of shit.

See ya then.
ladydrace: (Do they have a name for what's wrong wit)
First of all, today, B and I got our divorce finalized. We are now officially divorced. It was easier than I thought it would be. And frankly, surprisingly anit-climactic. B also thought so.

This warrents a longer post at some point, but something else is currently more on my mind.

My mother told me yesterday that my great grandmother was violently agoraphobic. Not diagnosed of course, but it was a fact that she never left the house and if anyone tried to force her, she would go into a complete panic, scream and cling to her chair or something. My mother never really thought about it until my uncle made an off hand remark a few days ago. It was just a fact of life, nothing anyone wondered about or considered strange. At least to my mother who was only a child.

This has to have some sort of meaning for my condition. It's the first thing any therapist has always asked me. "Has there been any history of mental illness in your family?" I just can't decide if this is good news or bad news. Good news, because it might mean some new paths of treatments, or bad news because it's genetic and I'm basically doomed? *sigh* This is breaking my brain.

Any thoughts?
ladydrace: (Black Funk of Doom)
Holy hell, the funk is back in town. I'm so fucking low right now, I can't seem to do anything but sit here and cry. I have to take Pea to the doctor in about 4 hours and I'm in a complete panic over it, which in turn makes my brain tell me what a terrible mother I am, that I should never have had kids, that I'm a sorry excuse for a human being and should just let B get full custody.

Fuck.

It's time for the benzos, clearly. Why couldn't I have my breakdown in a week where I DON'T have Pea?!

Fuck you, brain. I want my life back.
ladydrace: (Default)
Remember how I said there was no reason this was a bad day? Well now there is. Actually there always was, but it never really surfaced until now.

1. The brats make me feel like I'm back in 3rd grade. I keep trying to think of other ways of going home from daycare, so I won't have to face them. I spend so much time and energy on those little fuckers and it's seriously making me paranoid. My brilliant plan doesn't seem like such a comfort right now. And what if my retaliation only makes it worse? This time they were only 3, but I know for a fact that they usually hang with a group of up to 12 kids of different ages. And if they all get in on it, I'll be driven out of town. I could perhaps get the police to deal with it, but not until I've been driven even deeper into the hell hole of anxiety I'm desperately trying to claw my way out of.

2. I'm starting to have some "muddy" discharge, along with pains in my private parts. This worries me a lot. Had it just been fresh blood, I wouldn't have worried, but this weird sludge concerns me alot, combined with the pains. There's no smell to speak of, so that's good, but I'm still worried. I do have a doctor appointment on Wednesday, but I don't know if I can wait that long...

3. I worry. I worry myself to death about the coming separation of households. How will Pea deal? How will B deal? He's never had Pea for very long on his own and I worry myself sick that he's going to be taking his frustrations out on Pea even more than he's done before, as soon as there's nobody (a.k.a me) to see/stop him. I'm not worried about physical abuse, but the mental abuse isn't much better. In fact, I'd say it's worse. Not that he's abusive as such, but I fear it could go there. I worry, worry and worry.

4. I. Want. My. Fucking. Husband. Back.
Not B. I want my husband. The man I could trust more than myself. The man I loved so much that any annoying trait was overshadowed by the comfort and security I felt in his embrace. I want my husband here to hug me and tell me everything is going to be ok. That this stranger who shares my home will be gone soon and that we'll be a family again. A family who could raise our beautiful little boy in a household of love and affection, like we always planned. I want that back.
I hardly know what to do about this clone of my husband who's occupying his spaces and wearing his clothes. It's like a mockery of the love we had and it breaks my fucking heart.

*sob*
ladydrace: (Default)
...is back in town. Bleurgh.
ladydrace: (Default)
It's not funny anymore. Does Pea have to get sick at daycare every fucking week? And does he really have to pass his germs on to me the second I pick him up? And why the hell do the daycare people have to air new theories of permanent illness every time he sneezes???

Is it really neccessary to have every fucking person I come by on deserted streets to stop and ask me for directions, small talk or whatever?

And social services, psychiatrists, doctors and basically anyone with a hand in the running of my life... do they really HAVE to bounce me around between them like a fucking beach ball??!!

And please, dear GOD, stop it with the invasion of flies!!

Is it something I did? Are the seven plagues upon me? Is this the apocalypse??

If so, then I only have one question... what took you so fucking long?

At least then I won't have to do the fucking dishes...

Wohoo!

Jun. 30th, 2010 08:13 pm
ladydrace: (Default)
I finally finished a fic today! Not one of the older bunnies still pining away, but still! I FINISHED SOMETHING! Just waiting for the beta now. :oD

And sorry trekkies, it was a Merlin fic. And I have more Merlin bunnies. A LOT more. A quick count reveals 7 fics in progess and 11 more bunnies waiting in line. *gulp* Not to mention that [livejournal.com profile] kinkme_merlin  prompt that still hasn't appeared on delicious. I might end up writing it myself. In comparison I have 16 G/B fics in progress and 4 bunnies I remember off the top of my head. Need to make some notes. It's almost a tie. :oS

Tomorrow I start on my new dose of meds. I'm curious if I get as sleepy as I did last time. :oS Maybe I should hurry up and write some more while I'm still fairly clear-headed. Even if my writing turns out to be crap.
ladydrace: (Default)
So, today I was whiny and convinced hubby to take a day off to help with Pea, went to the doctor and was a truly manipulative bitch when I came home. Yeah.

I hardly had any sleep last night due to some very sudden stomach issues. So when Pea woke up at 5AM I felt like a wrung out rag and whined at hubby until he agreed to stay home. He took care of Pea most of the morning and then took him to daycare, so I could have a little nap before going to the doc. I knew I would need my wits about me for that.

So I went. A lot of questions were asked and answered and in the end we came to a new compromise. First of all, my dosage on my daily meds is upped again while my new benzos will be lower and she says I don't need to worry about taking too many yet. According to her, I'm still a long way off over-use, but since they make me so sleepy, she suggested we tried some milder ones.

My suicide issues were more worrisome and she referred me to The Centre for Prevention of Suicide. They should get in touch with me within the next week, but she was very serious about me calling her if anything happened before that. If I got worried at all, she told me to contact her. She's so sweet. The Centre should hopefully have a few ideas on what might help. At least with my most immediate problems. My doc says that she'll help with finding treatment for me somehow and we'll talk again in a month or so, to evaluate the effect of my new meds and find out what else I might need.

When I got home I fell into bed and slept the day away. Literally. I woke up about half an hour before I had to go and pick up Pea from daycare. Hubby hadn't really moved from the computer all day and he was kinda cranky. So I went and got Pea, went to the shop and came home with a very sleepy son, who was incredibly whiny for a few hours. Hubby was still at his computer. He did manage a few chores I asked him to do, but absolutely nothing else. Normally, this doesn't bother me, but since I specifically asked him to stay home to take the load off me, some kind of effort would have been nice.

So because I was tired and drained from the emotional importance of the doctor's appointment and a whiny baby, I resorted to the mean pleasure of guilt tripping hubby. I apologized profoundly for the fact that my illness ruins our lives and for about a second I enjoyed his misery. Then I hated myself for it. I strongly suspect he went off for his play tonight fairly down.

I feel like such a bitch. :o(

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Lady Drace

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