ladydrace: (Young Ones Vyv extreme violence)
Seeing as Pea is still in foster care and the county has fucked me over so I now only see Pea every 4 weeks, I was in a bit of a jam in regards to Christmas wishes. Because I'd only managed to get one wish out of him before December (other than the ever-present wish of coming home to live with mommy, -sob-) and that's just not enough when there are several other parties who want to give him gifts. So I called and asked foster mom.

But rather than give me HIS wishes, she started listing things she believed he needed. Like a lamp or  a box for his toys. Shit they could more than easily buy with the ridiculous amount of money they get thrown after them for taking care of him. And I'm not talking about their pay, I'm talking about the fact that they almost get their full pay twice over JUST for "additional expenses". 

The money issue is actually secondary, though, compared to her complete blankness when I asked what HE wanted. I know for a fact that they've been making Christmas lists at daycare, because foster dad told me. But foster mom hadn't even glanced at it. Hadn't cared. 

I can't decide what I want to do more. Cut a bitch or cry. 

Countdown.

Jun. 9th, 2013 01:34 am
ladydrace: (Crap)
Okay, so I've gotten some preliminary dates. Due to summer holidays across the board we've been fortunate enough to be allowed to keep Pea over the summer. 9 more weeks until he goes away. The introduction and move itself will take place over the course of a single week, because apparently this is what experience has taught the foster family is best. Meanwhile I get to prepare Pea nice and slowly for the fact that he's going to go to these people. I doubt I can really explain to him that he's supposed to live with them, but preparation is everything, so the more he's aware of the change coming, the better.

And then I won't be able to have him home for 6 whole fucking months. I'm not sure how much I'll be allowed to visit, either, but goddammit, I hope I'll be allowed some. Because it hurts my heart just thinking about it. After that the plan is to slowly start having him home with me every other weekend, and maybe 3 entire weeks a year. B is apparently getting a different deal, but since he's hardly even willing to talk to me these days I have no idea.

When he does talk to me, all he does is whine about how he feels useless. He never does anything. Never seeks help, never tries to improve things for himself or Pea, never tries to change anything at all. My sympathy for him started to run dry ages ago, and we're scraping the bottom now. If he wants Pea around more, he's going to have to take steps to accommodate Pea's needs. Which he has never done, despite repeated promises. I am done waiting for him to act.

My sisters have not said a single word to me about this whole thing, and I'm sort of naïvely hoping it'll stay that way. Because what I don't need right now is to defend my reasons for accepting this. They might be willing to gamble everything for the slightest chance, but I'm not. The time I would spend battling the system could be much better spent helping Pea. And if the county won't allow me to do it, then fine, I'll step back and let someone else. I won't like it, but I'll accept it.

ladydrace: (Free Hugs)
I'm just so happy to be alive right now. I haven't been on medication for ages, my anxiety is a mere tickle, depression is only there when there's actually something to be down about and I have actual hope for the future.

My financial situation is still horrific, and Pea might still go to a foster home. But that's for tomorrow. Today the sky is blue and the sun is high. I feel good, my son is doing great, my whole family is doing well and... I think I might actually have a new friend.

My muses are practically piling writing mojo on me, I sleep amazingly well at night... and I've done actual gardening this week. Who'd have thunk...

To all of you, my dear friends, I say: may you all have sunny days like these. *hugs* I love you all!

Joygasm gif

ladydrace: (OTPea)
So. The verdict is in. Pea has autism. I was half sure we'd be told that there would be no labeling what he has, but to my surprise, not only does he have autism, he's actually pretty much smack in the middle of the scale. I'd assumed that if he did have something autism-related that he'd be on the edge of the spectrum, only barely qualifying for the diagnosis. But apparently, to a specialist, he's a pretty classic case.

And I as I read more about autism, it also becomes clear that there have been signs his entire life. If you know what you're looking for.

The people at daycare didn't even bat an eyelid either.

I'm happy with the diagnosis. Knowing what we're dealing with will help Pea so much. Anything that can make life easier for him is great in my book.

But, as I'm pretty sure can be expected, I'm also kinda down about it. Knowing how many challenges Pea will have to look forward to in his life makes me downright depressed. He's already trying so hard to understand what's going on around him, and as he grows it sure won't be any easier.

There's also the downside that since we now know it's autism, we also know that this isn't something he'll outgrow. He'll most likely learn to live with it, but this will have an effect on his entire life. On top of that, the psychiatrist also warned us that Pea might be slightly retarded. There's no telling until he gets older and his communication gets better. Personally I don't think he is, but his development goes up and down like a rollercoaster, so there's just no knowing where things will go yet.

My poor baby.

The good news is that since we still haven't heard a peep about foster care, I'm assuming they'll take his diagnosis into account when finding a family for him, so he can get the best possible care.

As for myself... I think I need a little while before it really dawns on me that I'm now mother to an autistic child, and what this might mean for us as a family.

Green Pea!

Aug. 22nd, 2012 04:03 pm
ladydrace: (Green Pea)
It's been way too long since I've shown off my lovely boy. So here he is, courtesy of my new phone. :oD

Click for pics! )

ladydrace: (HAPPY BIRTHDAY!)
Okay, maybe not that big, but very bad. Bad as in AWESOME!

Turning 30 was a breeze. Move over Dr. Bashir! No midlife crisis going on here!

Only real crisis was that turning a sharp corner like that kinda raises expectations in the family of some sort of celebration. Which I hate. But I did invite my siblings to my mom's house for lunch and coffee, and it turned out really nice, even though only one of my sisters showed up. The other had sick kids, and while it was sad that she couldn't make it, it actually ended up making it less stressful for me.

So I had fun and I ended up taking home 3 times as much food as I planned. I will be living off (glorious, delicious, amazing) leftovers for at least a week. Nom nom nom nom.

So real life celebration was good. But it was nothing - NOTHING compared to the beauty that met me online!

[livejournal.com profile] xiilnek  made me this, which made me squeal and laugh and squeal some more!

[livejournal.com profile] kerry_louise  wrote me a Garak/Bashir fic which was just perfect! I still flail uncontrollably over it!

[livejournal.com profile] masteroth  made me a totally adorable post and utterly squee-worthy manip!

[livejournal.com profile] tli  and [livejournal.com profile] martiya_khvar both sent me awesome presents in the mail, and if I wasn't so freakishly tired, I would totally set up a whole arrangement of my beautiful gifts and take pictures of their awesomeness! But alas, party preparations and socializing has taken its toll on me.

Other than that, there has been a steady flow of well wishing from all over the web. Emails, Twitter, Facebook and places I'd even forgotten I used to go. I was on cloud nine every time I logged on!
I hope I haven't forgotten anyone, but I would like to thank you all for making my 30th birthday totally and amazingly awesome!

YOU ALL ROCK AND I LOVE YOU!








 
ladydrace: (HAPPY BIRTHDAY!)
Today my beautiful boy turns 3! How time flies!

He's not home at the moment, but he's being spoiled at daddy's, and he'll be with me again tomorrow. :o)

A few pics under here! )
ladydrace: (No lace mrs Bennet!)
This post is about embroidery. Feel free to skip.

I've had a bazillion different creative hobbies in my lifetime. Everything from paper-cutting to cross-stitching to freakin' patchwork. The only thing I've kept a semi steady interest in has been the embroidery and somewhere along the line, I decided to make a "birth-picture" for every new nephew or niece I got. Sadly, the latest one had to be outsourced because I was so far out of my head I couldn't focus on it.

So now number seven is on the way, due next month (I think). And I've started my latest picture. To avoid the situation of the last one, where some stranger had to take over the project and fix all my fuck-ups, I thought it would be a good idea to share my progress here. As a way of putting some gentle pressure on myself. So, Sis, fair warning. If you want to be surprised later, stop reading now.

So here is the picture in question.

So far it's going well. I got almost all of the yellow of Winnie's body done. It's a good start. I think I'll start with the biggest chunks of color, I'll get to the shading, edging and details later. I'll probably post some progress pics later on when I've got more done.

TBC.

ladydrace: (Green Pea)
In honor of the turning of the year, here is a little series of pics of my beautiful boy frolicking. :o) Taken in November.

Under here )
ladydrace: (Geek Kissing tip 4400 het.)
Comment to this entry and I'll give you a letter. List ten things, people, places, beings, thoughts, feelings, that you love that begin with that letter and then post that list on your journal.

[livejournal.com profile] myworldmytrue  gave me F!

1. Fanfiction! Reading it, writing it, anything! Heck, even writing about fanfiction is mazing for me! I'd include regular fiction in this, but nothing gets my juices flowing like fanfic.

2. Flowers! Sadly, I tend to kill the potted kind, but a bouquet will make mo SO happy you have no idea. Wanna court me? Buy me flowers. I'll put out.

3. And speaking of, do you have any idea how many awesome sexual practices start with F? Frottage, fellatio, felching- uhm...I'll just leave that here.

4. Fantasy, the literary genre. Do I even need to explain why? Dragons, baby! DRAGONS! Unicorns, elves, orcs! And while we're on it-

5. Fairies. In any incarnation. From the tiny little Fantasia fairies to the scary and powerful beings from the Dresden Files. Fairies are awesome and if the people using this as a slur knew just how badass these creatures are, I doubt they'd ever throw it at people as a means of insult.

6. Freedom. Freedom to be, to think, to live the way you prefer. I wish we all had freedom. And poo on me for not thinking of this until #6...

7. The Fifth Element - the movie. I adore that movie. Here is a post where I explain more: http://lady-drace.livejournal.com/472682.html

8. Family. Despite the occasionally fucked up and disfuctional unit we present, family is so very importent. It's about knowing your roots and seeing parts of yourself in others that you might not find anywhere else. And it's not about blood ties. It's about who you're tied to forever, in any way that may come about.

9. Feathers. Not wings (despite my recent foray into wing-kink). No, just feathers. How they feel, how they look, how they're put together. It's a wonder of nature.

10. Fancy Rats. Meaning, rats meant for pets. As much as I admire the animal in itself for its survuval skills, I do prefer the cuddly kind bred to be cute and companiable.

I would make more of this post, but alas, time has escaped me and it's time for me to pick up my baby. Onwards!
ladydrace: (Green Pea)
Having a baby is one thing. While an infant is constantly demanding, its demands are generally fairly simple. Eat, sleep, poop. And if you're unlucky, it needs a doctor. While the child is still in the baby stage, you still get to do things your way most of the time, even though the time you have for yourself is as good as gone.

When your kid hits the toddler stage, you get more time for yourself, as the child becomes more self sufficient, your house arrives at some sort of stalemate in the constant child-proofing of things and you can actually get a few things done around the house, while the kid plays in its room/corner/bed/pen/where ever. The physical demands of the child are still seen to somehow and if you're lucky, you'll be allowed to sleep at night.

However, one thing becomes ridculously complicated once the kid achives a sense of self and suddenly develops willpower to rival most marathon runners:

Doing things your way.

All your years of shaping your habits and routines are flushed out the toilet as everything becomes a matter of how easy you can make every little thing. And suddenly easy doesn't mean what you thought it did. Before "toddler" you would do things which ever way seemed more simple/time-efficient/practical. Now, however, easy means: "How do I get this task done while keeping toddler happy?" If it means you have to put shoes on the kid before trousers or mop a swimming pool off your floor every time you do dishes, then that's just how it'll be. After the 50th tantrum, most of us either allow the kid its preferred routine or get inventive to reach some sort of compromise. Personally, I keep toy cars a-plenty in my handbag and I wear shoes inside the house if there is merely a glimmer of kiddo wanting to go outside anytime soon. Because that makes things easier.

It's not big changes, but there are a million of them and it's bloody exhausting having to rethink everything, like how you pull on your pants or eat your dinner a thousand times a day.

I admit that it might just be because I have control issues that this part has proved the most difficult for me, but wow, I really wish someone would have warned me about this particular problem. "You'll have no life." "Give up the idea of free time." "Expect constant stress and worry for the rest of your life." Those are some of the regular warnings you get when you announce to the world that you're "expecting". But then again, I might not have taken someone seriously if they'd told me that "In a couple of years, you will be  hiding in your bedroom when you have to zip a bag shut." Even if the warning had come, I doubt I would ever really have understood.

I actually often frowned at people who said things like: "Until you have kids, you won't understand." I don't anymore. (Not as much anyway) Because... this? This is beyond imagining.

But to end this on a happy note, I have to say that there's nothing more amazing in my world than when a sticky little hand reaches for mine, so sure that it'll be there that there's no need to look for it or any hesitation. Knowing that all your troubles has lead to this little Human trusting you whole-heartedly is a very special thing. My son is truly an awesome little person. :o)

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Lady Drace

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