ladydrace: (Write me bitch)
I only just realized that the last many fics I've posted... I haven't actually crossposted at all. I post them to Dreamwidth (and if the automatic crosspost to LJ works, then that happens too, if not, then I don't give a fuck.) and to AO3. I store everything on my website for my own ease and occasionally I'll pimp stuff on tumblr. But it's been months since I last crossposted to any communities.

When I became aware of this, my first thought was to feel bad. But then I realized why it happened. It's because I'm too busy writing to actually file stuff. I hardly finish one fic before I'm on to the next. I keep needing new betas because I (apparently) work them into the ground one by one.

SO THIS IS A GOOD THING!

YAY FOR PRODUCTIVITY!

(Also, I'm posting a WIP for the first time in years and omg, I have fans badgering me for updates, what is this surreal thing, is it my life, omg...)
ladydrace: (Black Funk of Doom)
I realized something yesterday which left me stunned for a while.

Thinking back on it, my recurring depression has only been around while I lived at my previous address. Before then I had some other issues, but nothing that required medical attention. I didn't need meds or psychotherapy before I moved there. And within a moth of moving, the depression was as good as gone.

I. Am. Gobsmacked.

I still have a personality disorder, but that's something you can live with. As long as it feels like life isn't actually the blackest and most pointless shit ever invented, then you can keep moving. You can do things. You can live.

Using my depression icon hopefully for the last time ever.
ladydrace: (Richard S J Squee)
Whichever god listened to my mass plea for aid... THANK YOU!

I have been granted a stay. Pea's case has been moved to my county, which means that I have a chance to have things re-evaluated. I have a fucking chance.

And this time, I am not taking their word for anything. This is war.

I have written to a lawyer, requesting advice for the case ahead. My brand spankin' new support person is actually on my side in this. My sister is offering advice which is surprisingly helpful. I am hoisting my goddamn banner again as we speak!

THE BATTLE HAS RECOMMENCED!!!

Now, does anyone have a spare pair of knees? Mine don't seem to work right now... *wobble*

ladydrace: (Free Hugs)
I'm just so happy to be alive right now. I haven't been on medication for ages, my anxiety is a mere tickle, depression is only there when there's actually something to be down about and I have actual hope for the future.

My financial situation is still horrific, and Pea might still go to a foster home. But that's for tomorrow. Today the sky is blue and the sun is high. I feel good, my son is doing great, my whole family is doing well and... I think I might actually have a new friend.

My muses are practically piling writing mojo on me, I sleep amazingly well at night... and I've done actual gardening this week. Who'd have thunk...

To all of you, my dear friends, I say: may you all have sunny days like these. *hugs* I love you all!

Joygasm gif

ladydrace: (OTPea)
So. The verdict is in. Pea has autism. I was half sure we'd be told that there would be no labeling what he has, but to my surprise, not only does he have autism, he's actually pretty much smack in the middle of the scale. I'd assumed that if he did have something autism-related that he'd be on the edge of the spectrum, only barely qualifying for the diagnosis. But apparently, to a specialist, he's a pretty classic case.

And I as I read more about autism, it also becomes clear that there have been signs his entire life. If you know what you're looking for.

The people at daycare didn't even bat an eyelid either.

I'm happy with the diagnosis. Knowing what we're dealing with will help Pea so much. Anything that can make life easier for him is great in my book.

But, as I'm pretty sure can be expected, I'm also kinda down about it. Knowing how many challenges Pea will have to look forward to in his life makes me downright depressed. He's already trying so hard to understand what's going on around him, and as he grows it sure won't be any easier.

There's also the downside that since we now know it's autism, we also know that this isn't something he'll outgrow. He'll most likely learn to live with it, but this will have an effect on his entire life. On top of that, the psychiatrist also warned us that Pea might be slightly retarded. There's no telling until he gets older and his communication gets better. Personally I don't think he is, but his development goes up and down like a rollercoaster, so there's just no knowing where things will go yet.

My poor baby.

The good news is that since we still haven't heard a peep about foster care, I'm assuming they'll take his diagnosis into account when finding a family for him, so he can get the best possible care.

As for myself... I think I need a little while before it really dawns on me that I'm now mother to an autistic child, and what this might mean for us as a family.
ladydrace: (Free Hugs)
Today was great. Not only was my general faith in humanity restored when I finally managed to sell Pea's baby carriage, after having been blown off very rudely three times by potential buyers, but upon coming home form daycare, the most extraordinary thing happened.

Pea wanted to go to the playground, so we did. There was another mother and her barely 2-year old there, and I immediately got a little anxious, since it's always 50/50 whether Pea is okay with other kids or not. Turns out that Pea absolutely adored that little guy and happily played with him, gentle and considerate. I was so proud. And apparently having the other kid there made Pea a little braver, so he took his first trip on a lift-slide thingy that he's so far been too afraid to try alone, and we had the best time.

And best of all, while Pea and the little kiddo was playing, me and the other mom had a spontaneous heart to heart. She lives close by and she's in similar circumstances to mine. She's also been through years of mental issues, she's also on welfare and she's also struggling to keep her baby. She seems to have won her battle, though, but she had some additional insight to offer, which frankly almost made me cry right there in the playground.

It turns out both she and her sister went into foster care, and she made it clear that while she was more than aware of how painful it must be from the mother's side, she and her sister never lacked for anything and they adore their mother, even though they only saw her once a week as they were growing up. It gives me so much hope that as Pea grows he'll learn to understand that it wasn't because I didn't love him that I allowed this to happen, and if I'd had any other choice I would have made that one instead.

Talking to this woman was such a spot of sunshine for me. Before this I never even knew how much difference it would make to talk about this to someone who has actually been there. Who understands all the issues involved, without me having to explain every step of the way. From that 10 mins chat with a complete stranger, I got my heart lightened more than years of therapy ever managed.

My faith in the world has been restored for a time. Thank god.
ladydrace: (Vomit now?)
*crack of thunder*

I am really very bitter right now.

I moved to this place, this apartment, specifically to make things better for Pea. I accepted it before I knew I wouldn't actually be having him here. When I realized that he'd be going into foster care, I did some calculations and I thought I could make it work with the information I had at the time. But now, starting my 3rd month here, it's clear that I cannot afford it. Pea is still with me, and therefore I still get certain financial benefits, but it's already tight since his address is now at B's. When Pea goes away, I will be so so fucked.

I've had to borrow money from the bank to make ends meet this month, but I don't know what I'll do next month. My mother says she'll help me, but she's not rich either. She can't support me, and neither should she.

So. All signs point to the fact that I need to move again. As soon as humanly possible. Into something much smaller. The good news is that since I'll be moving to something else in this town, I won't have to move far, and therefore won't need a moving company. I'll probably also have to sell at least half of all my furniture, but fuck that. I need food more than I need a cupboard. I'll live in boxes if I have to. I just have to make the goddamn ends meet.

I'm tired from my first move and the thought of going through another one so soon makes me wanna cry. And I have. Fuck. Looks like 2013 will be a year of stress and despair.

It seems that no matter how hard I try to do the right thing, all my good intentions are flung back into my face.

Just to put the cherry on top of the cake, I also finally got word from the psychiatrists. They've given up on me. In their own words: "In the future we would recommend a social support effort rather than medical or psychiatric treatment." What the hell am I going to do with that?! If I take their word for it and roll over, that would also mean that any hope of getting Pea home again will be lost. Which is fucking unacceptable. They can't do this to me.

I think right now I'm even past a point where I'm surprised every time more shit falls onto my head. That fact that I haven't had a nervous breakdown yet is some kind of miracle. Lots of other weird stuff going on with my head, but as long as I'm still standing, I can make it. I have to make it.
ladydrace: (Richard S J Squee)
Okay, so some of you might remember how I wanted to move out of this city after the divorce, but never really got around to it because of Pea and the daycare issues and my anxiety issues and the apartments I was offered were never just right yadda yadda yadda...

Well, I got one offered yesterday and while I still might not get it, it's perfect. The place itself is amazing. Affordable, child friendly area, literally 5 mins from my mom, small town. It's ground level, has a small garden, pets are allowed. I can hardly stop singing its praises! I'll hopefully know in about a week whether I get it or not. Meanwhile I am in a complete tizzy!

I'm making lists of stuff I can do to make the move less stressful, making budgets, trying to anticipate all the people who need to know, all the changes that need to be made, who to call for what, Pea's daycare transport etc etc.

I AM SO EXCITED!

This could be the new start I've been longing for. I'm still living in the apartment I shared with my first ever partner. Everything we shared still screams at me from every surface, if I let myself dwell on it.

Only slight bummer is that if it happens, the move will take plays only days before Christmas. But since I am alone this year, not having Pea and probably going to my sister's, I don't think it could happen at a better time. Plus, if it happens in Pea's holiday from daycare, he'll have a few days to get used to living somewhere new before he has to start using the taxi service to get to daycare, which will probably be intimidating for him, even though I'll probably tag along the first few times.

But OMG I want this to happen so bad, even while I'm shaking with anxiety over it already. It's going to happen. I know it. FINGERS CROSSED!
ladydrace: (HAPPY BIRTHDAY!)
Okay, maybe not that big, but very bad. Bad as in AWESOME!

Turning 30 was a breeze. Move over Dr. Bashir! No midlife crisis going on here!

Only real crisis was that turning a sharp corner like that kinda raises expectations in the family of some sort of celebration. Which I hate. But I did invite my siblings to my mom's house for lunch and coffee, and it turned out really nice, even though only one of my sisters showed up. The other had sick kids, and while it was sad that she couldn't make it, it actually ended up making it less stressful for me.

So I had fun and I ended up taking home 3 times as much food as I planned. I will be living off (glorious, delicious, amazing) leftovers for at least a week. Nom nom nom nom.

So real life celebration was good. But it was nothing - NOTHING compared to the beauty that met me online!

[livejournal.com profile] xiilnek  made me this, which made me squeal and laugh and squeal some more!

[livejournal.com profile] kerry_louise  wrote me a Garak/Bashir fic which was just perfect! I still flail uncontrollably over it!

[livejournal.com profile] masteroth  made me a totally adorable post and utterly squee-worthy manip!

[livejournal.com profile] tli  and [livejournal.com profile] martiya_khvar both sent me awesome presents in the mail, and if I wasn't so freakishly tired, I would totally set up a whole arrangement of my beautiful gifts and take pictures of their awesomeness! But alas, party preparations and socializing has taken its toll on me.

Other than that, there has been a steady flow of well wishing from all over the web. Emails, Twitter, Facebook and places I'd even forgotten I used to go. I was on cloud nine every time I logged on!
I hope I haven't forgotten anyone, but I would like to thank you all for making my 30th birthday totally and amazingly awesome!

YOU ALL ROCK AND I LOVE YOU!








 
ladydrace: (Your Place or Mine)
Gave online dating another go and this time around the experience is turning out much nicer. So far only one random booty call and the sheer amount of interested people is enough to make my eyes boggle. I've been brutally honest in my profile, so I really did expect very limited response, if any at all.

Messaging with 4 different guys at the moment. 4. FOUR. This 30-year old, mentally challenged, unhealthily obese single mom... in less than three days. 4 guys. And only one of them seems vaguely creepy, and that's only because he's coming on a bit strong.

One in particular has potential. He's a gamer, into movies and internet (although completely different areas then the ones I frequent), and we're currently discussing porn and anal sex, in a completely non-suggestive way. And actually, I was the one to bring it up, so...

There could be something here. I am hopeful. :oD
ladydrace: (Eye twitch)
Today is carnival day here in Aalborg. Imagine Mardi Gras with less beads and more city chaos, and it's dead on.

A trip to an otherwise scenic spot became a goddamn nightmare from all the changing of bus routes, and the incredibly scorching heat. So I was waiting at the bus station for a bus... any bus. I just wanted to get out of the masses of drunk people, and maybe find a slight breeze somewhere. Or a bathtub full of ice. Yes.

Anyway, as I was waiting, yet another couple of drunks came by. Or rather, came right up to me. I was generally ignoring the world with my earbuds playing my own music, rather than the thumping samba beats from everywhere. I thought maybe they wanted to ask for directions or something. It happens to me a lot. Then this odd conversation happened.

Guy: "Hey, wanna hear my nickname?"

Me: "Uh... sure, I guess..."

Guy: *grabbing his chubby gut* "Fatty!"

Me: "Oh, well... "

Guy: "But I love it!"

Me: "Uhm... have you had a few... *making swigging motions with hand*

Guy: "Oh, I've had a LOT!"

Me: "I see..."

Guy: "Look, I just saw you standing there, looking so cute, and since you've also got some extra pounds, I just wanted to come over here and tell you that you're lovely." (Transcribed from massive amounts of slurring and repeating.)

Then he touched my belly. (!!!)

Me: *vaguely creeped out now* "Oh... well... that's nice... thanks... uhm."

Guy: "You're so cute. Can I have a hug?"

Me: *blink* "Uhm..." *wants him to go away as smoothly as possible* "All right, but just very gently, okay?"

(Which to his credit he respected.)

Guy: "Bye!"

Me: "Have a nice party!" *smile*

I spent the next 20 mins or so unable to decide if I should be more flattered or disturbed by it.

Well at least there was a compliment in there somewhere...
ladydrace: (Richard S J Squee)
"I'm sorry, the brain you are trying to reach is currently out of order, due to massive amounts of ASDFGHJKLASDFGHJKL. We apologize for the inconvenience."

ROFL!

May. 8th, 2012 05:33 pm
ladydrace: (Camera closeup)
I was sitting with Pea on my knee today while having a look around on Tumblr, when I came across this post. When Pea spotted the picture he blurted: "Mommy!" and pointed at the pic. I laughed and then he tried again. "Daddy?" Which of course only made me laugh more. I tried to tell him that it was just some guy, but after a couple of minutes of me trying to explain while still giggling, Pea just looked at the picture, nodded and said: "Daddy." And from then on, that picture was daddy. And I was not allowed to close it or scroll onwards. Pea just sat there looking at it in adoration until he got hungry and food distracted him.

Now I'm torn between giggling from the idea of B in that outfit, and the thought that Pea thinks Misha Collins is his daddy. I wouldn't mind.
ladydrace: (Sexy Dean)
... when you're crossing a huge parking lot, singing Masochism Tango quite loudly... and you pass a parked van, only to realize that behind it there are 5 people, all grinning at you, having heard you a mile off.

On the plus side, none of them seemed malicious in any way, merely amused, so I managed to just smirk right back and keep singing. A little shakily, but still. Win.

Awkward.
ladydrace: (Crap)
For ages I've used 4shared to upload stuff, because it was free to use and anyone could download anything. Now suddenly you have to sign up to download stuff, no warning at all. *le sigh*

So now I'm on the lookout for other options. Can anyone recommend a free filesharing site with no signup for downloaders? Because I get tired just thinking about all the shit I have to move and all the links I have to change. *dies*
ladydrace: (Sam put on his own socks)
Oh, sweet baby jesus on a cracker, I'VE ACTUALLY WON SOMETHING!!

I joined the First Official Birthday Challenge at [livejournal.com profile] sabriel_bday and I actually won! People actually voted for my fic! All right, so there were only 4 entries, but still! I WON! HOLY MOTHER OF JEFFERSON DAVIES, I WON!!

I'm excited. Can you tell??

Photobucket

I'll be posting the fic here shortly!

Oh my goddddddd....

ladydrace: (Plotbunnies From Playboy)
Here is my final word count for 2011. I'm only including finished fics, so the real word count could be as much as 10k higher. But since I also managed to finish a few older fics, I'm just gonna assume it evens out in the end.


Jan:
Unacknowledged Favours: 2376
Just the Way He Was: 645
In Which there is...: 728
Unchallenged: 693
Tender Secret: 270
A Fistful of Garaks: 2086

March:
Dear Self: 614

May:
Color me Stupid: 775

Sep:
Natural Decline...: 2363

Oct: (Yes, this is what happens when you go off meds and find a new fandom!)
This Next Song is for You...: 1772
Stepping Into Starlight: 546
On These Borrowed Wings I Fly to You: 1798
Like All the Years to Come: 847
See You on the Flip Side: 1402
Through the Window I Watched: 744
Finding Heat: 1331
Bump My Fender: 1312
Spectacles: 556
(Not Posted) In Another Life It Could Happen to You: 3206
(Not Posted) The Grooves on Your Face: 641
(Not Posted) A Night to Remember: 3078

Nov:
Jumping to Conclusions: 1043
Doing the Responsible Thing: 735
Crests on my Skin: 1346
Secret Santa fic: 3435
(Not Posted) A Thousand Years: 996
(Not Posted) Trials and Tantrums: 1671

Dec:
Of Business and Benefits: 3880
Frantic: 789
Going With the Flow: 1871
The Little Voice in your Ear: 1142
(Not Posted) CrowleyLeon: 4474
(Not Posted) Our Moment 603

Total: 49.768. I'm very happy with this! I suspect it might even be a new record! Here's hoping that next year will be just as productive!

ladydrace: (O.O Vinnie)
I just posted wincest. *hyperventilating*

Muses... seriously, what are you doing to me?!?



WOHOOO!!

Dec. 25th, 2011 03:35 pm
ladydrace: (Sexy Dean)
GOT MY DEAN/CAS SECRET SANTA GIFT TODAY! AND I CAN'T EVEN...

Go see it! YOU HAVE TO! (NSFW, btw...)

First of all, I totally forgot I asked for fic OR art, so opening the link and seeing... this was quite the shocker. And once I was doing flailing and choking on my own spit I went on and wrote what I suspect will be a mildly embarrassing comment to who ever the fantastically dirty soul was who came up with this.

Meanwhile, MY CHRISTMAS IS MADE! HOLY CRAP!

Secret Santa, who ever you are:



Let me love you!



ladydrace: (Snap fingers Gabriel)
I just realized something. I was watching Changing Channels (for the 20th time or so) when I suddenly noticed that Gabriel uses his powers while he is trapped in a circle of holy fire!! He brings back Cas (complete with finger snap and everything) from where ever he stashed him. Now, I haven't exactly memorized the entire series, but for the life of me, I cannot remember a single other angel able to do that. But then again, wasn't Gabriel the only archangel they ever tried the holy fire on?

Anyway, if my observation is valid, that brings up a few other things. If we assume that he can use his powers while in the ring, Dean never really had any power over him. Which means that Gabriel let himself be trapped and probably wasn't being sincere when he asked Dean if they were just going to leave him there forever.

And on that note, considering how insanely angry Gabriel looked (Seriously, Richard Speight Jr. should be showered in awards) after Dean had basically called him the biggest coward in history, I always did wonder why Dean wasn't whisked away for instant punishment the second the flames died down. Dean was pretty damn confident that Gabriel wouldn't come after him.

This opens up SO many avenues of thought I don't even know where to start. Maybe Gabriel "looked ahead" as he says in Hammer of the Gods, and already had an idea of how things were supposed to go. Or maybe he just thought he'd lure Dean and Sam into a false sense of security before tormenting them some more.

The only thing I'm absolutely sure of here is that Gabriel never counted on Dean's accusations to hurt quite that much. He never counted on Sam and Dean making him lose his cool. So in many ways, they must have caught him off guard. Even in Mystery Spot Sam didn't follow the normal route. Instead of accepting and moving on like Gabriel was expecting, Sam hoped until the very end that he could change things. That the Trickster would somehow have enough heart to allow Dean to be brought back. And I really don't think Gabriel counted on that. Considering how much shit he threw at Sam, it was a wonder there was any hope left in him at all.

Which is also kinda why I ship Gabriel/Sam. I think Dean opened Gabriel's eyes to some uncomfortable truths, but in my mind, Sam was the one who restored Gabriel's faith in humans. Who made him realize that they were worth saving. That they "try to do better".

Basically, this whole thing just cements my honest belief that Gabriel is the baddest mofo of them all. And yes, he totally faked his death. That last one. Just like all the other times. Because he can. Besides, he's meant to kill the leviathans, so he'll be back. M'yes.

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