ladydrace: (Crap)
I probably never even stated as much here, but a couple of months ago, I got a boyfriend. And now I don't have one anymore. And I think I need to talk about it.

Even from the very beginning it was a strange relationship. I had zero idea he was even into me until he was literally planning to come and see me. (From the UK to Denmark, so not just a train ride away or something.) But okay, I was super flattered and totally into him so we had a little talk where intentions were discussed, and he called me his girlfriend pretty much as soon as I was okay with it.

I was aware from the beginning that he had a very demanding job and that he was very young (12 years younger than me) and consequently might be in a different place in life. But even when it was all new and fresh I was already wondering why he was even with me, because he expressed no interest in me as a person. The sex was amazing, even long-distance, which was refreshing, but as for talking? None of that happened unless I initiated it, and even then his replies were always very short and did not invite further interaction.  

I even asked him, twice, why he was with me. The first answer was "because you're the nicest person I've ever met" and the second was "because you're lovely." Which are nice things, sure, but not something that really screams "in love." He did claim I was "perfect" to a friend, but I sure didn't see much proof of that. 

But okay, upon further prodding he did reveal that his luck in love had so far been awful, and that his previous girlfriend had been distant and almost ashamed of him. So I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Everyone needs practice, and he was still young. He was also apparently willing to work for it, so that was good enough for me. And he also said he had some depressive days where he didn't feel like talking to anyone, and okay, that made sense.

So he came to see me, and despite having mentioned a desire to hold hands and such, he seemed weirdly hesitant when I went for it. But okay, practice. 

He stayed with me for a long weekend, and even though he had several times expressed sadness that he had no one to cuddle up to at night, and that he definitely wouldn't mind me snoring, he did not sleep a single night in the double bed I'd put together specifically for his visit. He slept on the couch, curled up and cramped. We had plenty of sex, and while it was probably the best sex I've had in my life, as soon as it was over, he was gone. He spent all the time we were not having sex either on his phone or his tablet, stretched out on the couch. 

Every single thing we did was on my initiative, and by the third night I was ready to cry. We had a talk, and I told him straight up that he needed to try and bridge the divide between us, because I was going bonkers. He again mentioned his ex girlfriend and her apparent dislike for touching of any kind, but he did spend the rest of the evening touching me a lot. He was also mostly drunk at the time, so I dunno. Whatever. For those few hours I was actually happy and felt like it was finally coming together. He said he loved me, and seemed panicked when I admitted I couldn't say it back yet. But only a few hours later I said it back to him anyway, because I really thought we'd solved whatever hangup he'd had, and that he would now show actual interest in me. He promised he'd try, and I proimised in return that I'd give him time.

I dropped him off at the airport the next day, and while there was once again some weirdness with the pda, I still figured he was easing into it after a bad experience. 

Then came a week of almost complete silence. But we'd both had fairly busy weeks ahead of us, and I'd managed to give him my flu, so I'd expected it to a degree. He still contacted me for sex, but otherwise, nothing. I struggled with jealousy because he seemed to have no problem talking to a friend of mine on Twitter (one he had previously labeled "hot") and it finally hurt so much that I asked said friend to talk to him about it. To his credit he immediately talked to me, and we had a pretty painful conversation about how I felt like he only ever talked to me when he had needs (emotional or physical) and he gave the explanation that he suffered from crippling anxiety, and was terrified of disappointing me. When I asked if he'd gotten help he said he'd tried it, but it hadn't worked. That didn't sound promising, but I put it aside for later. 

I expressed my need for contact from him, if nothing else just to show that he was working on it, and we agreed on an arrangement where he would talk to me every day, if only just an emoji, or to tell me he didn't feel like talking. In return I promised to give him more time. I even begged him to set a phone alert, so he wouldn't spiral into crippling despair if he failed to remember one day, and even though he was reluctant, he told me he'd set one. 

A week after that he was back to only talking to me when I talked to him first (Except for once when he asked for sex, and I'm not counting that.), and the first day where I didn't speak to him once, he didn't contact me at all. 

I was really hurt, because not only had he broken his promise, he had also also presumably lied to me. And that's a dealbreaker. I had told him this several times, so it's not like it was news.

When I told him I needed to break up he was not surprised. He expressed a desire for us to be friends, but seeing as he hadn't even managed to show enough interest that I would have even called him a friend if we hadn't been together, I didn't think that was a good idea, and I told him to get back to me if he ever spent some time working on his anxiety issues. 

He didn't seem terribly upset, though, apart from a Twitter update later about how his day sucked. He didn't try and defend himself, he didn't try and work out another arrangement. He just said he "probably wasn't ready for a relationship", and that was it. In comparison he'd cried pretty hard when we had our talk a couple weeks prior, or at least he said he had. It was over text, so I dunno. It felt cold and like I was being thrown aside, even though I was the one breaking up with him. I'd been so worried about doing it, because I thought he'd be upset. Guess not. We lasted two months and one day.

So I'm left with the only conclusion that I was the "better than nothing" option. He had a need for sex and someone to worry about him. My needs never even entered the picture.

And that hurts more than anything else. 

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Lady Drace

April 2016

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