ladydrace: (Burp!)
What I've been more or less expecting for a while has now happened. My workplace needed my spot for someone else, and I'm definitely not coming in often enough to justify holding it for me anymore. So I'm no longer working for my welfare, and I've gotten an appointment after the new year to talk to my caseworker about what to do with me next. I've got nothing, since it all depends on my meds, and they don't give me much hope, currently. I spent a day or so being really bummed about it, but I'm trying to see the brighter side of it.

Because this has actually given me almost two months of free reign, so I'm gonna try and spend the time wisely. And since I can't talk to my doctor for another two and a half weeks about the gastric bypass thing, I've had a little think about what I can do myself in the mean time.

Seeing as you have to lose 8-10% of your body weight before the surgery can even happen, I thought I'd do a test. Because, the thing is, I've never actually been on a diet, as such. I've made life changes here and there, the biggest one when my ex-husband got diabetes, and we changed our diet to fit. Mostly. But that's another story.

The problem for me is that I've never gone into it with the goal of losing weight. Maybe for a week or two at low points during my teens, but they were always brief, and I never remember actually losing any weight at all. Probably because I never got on a scale much. I really never cared much about numbers, and I liked my body, in all its lardy glory. I still do, but now it's hurting me, so... needs must.

But the thing that worries me on a more immediate basis about this gastric bypass idea is whether I'll be able to lose the weight at all, seeing as I've never dieted before. So I'm on a diet now. Of sorts. 

The goal is to lose weight, while being as good to my mental state as a possibly can. So I'm trying to emulate how I'll be living after the surgery if I get it. I'll be eating six times a day, meal sizes 2-4 ounces, probably, because that'll be all my stomach will be able to hold, then.

I can't mimic it exactly, first of all because you're forced to watch your water intake like a hawk to make sure you get enough in the smalls sips you can handle in between meals, and if I try that now I know I'll just never drink, and I have problems getting enough fluids as it is. So I'mputting no limit on drinking

But I'll still be eating what I always do, meaning I don't have to change any of my preferences, and thereby lessening my anxiety significantly. No forcing myself to eat stuff I don't like, or endure any nasty workout routines, or change every little thing about my eating habits All I need to do now (ideally) is just do intake control. Instead of two rolls for breakfast it's now a quarter of one. For second breakfast I might eat the other half or something else. (And how Hobbit is that? 6 meals a day. Wonderful!) And it's like that across the board. Everything I usually eat. Only, cut down to an amount no bigger than my fist, depending on the density of the food in question (as I learned when I overdid it on meat yesterday. Oops. Learning curve.).

So yeah. I'm on a diet. For the first time in my life. I've made it 2½ days so far.

Wish me luck!
ladydrace: (Back Off)
I'm on welfare. I have been so for over a decade now, and I don't see that changing anytime soon, my autism diagnosis made that pretty clear to me.

But the politicians in this country seem determined to label me and my fellow welfare recipients as lazy fucks who are just sitting around on our asses. To them I'd like to clarify. I work as much as I can, even though it costs me. It's costs me a lot of precious energy I could use elsewhere, and (hold on to something, pal, this might be shocking to you) it also costs me money. 

Yes, I pay money to work. 

My maximum weekly hour count was eight hours before my latest round of medication changes, and currently it's about two. But I still go. The tickets for the bus that takes me to those couple of hours cost me what amounts to a quarter of the money I have left after paying rent, utilities and other fixed expenses. I can apply for some of it back, and it's supposed to happen automatically every month, but guess what, it doesn't. And even when it does, I can only get about half of it back. So about twelve percent of the already slim amount I have for clothes, food, transportation, and other daily needs goes to just getting to work. 

And I used to love this work because it felt like it was needed, that me and my fellow low-hour-count workers were an important part of the production line. But it definitely is no longer the case, and these days my supervisor struggles to even find work for us to do. That's really kind of a bitter pill to swallow on top of the two and a half hours of transportation I do per day to manage two hours of work.

So going to work costs me time, energy and money, and I spend less time working than I do commuting. And my work is pointless.

But I still fucking do it. 

No love, me.

EDIT: I feel I need to clarify. I go to work for my welfare payments. I don't earn anything from this work. It's not a job. It's the welfare office trying to make sure I don't fall into some pit of uselessness. Not that it helps.

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Lady Drace

April 2016

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