Bad day.

Jul. 16th, 2013 02:17 pm
ladydrace: (brb dying)
*chanting* One bad day does not make me a bad parent. One bad day does not make me a bad parent. One bad day does not make me a bad parent...
ladydrace: (Crap)
I think I'm moving on from online communities. I haven't checked my f-list here in weeks, I follow 0 people on tumblr because it's too much effort to keep up with anything, and the only people I follow on Twitter are my sister, celebs and like 5 other random people. I am so so sorry if anyone here feels neglected or ignored. It was never my intention to hurt anyone, truly.

It just seems like my life is piling so much on me right now that keeping up any sort of social life, even just online, is just too much hard work. And I need my energy elsewhere right now.

I still write fic, because bottom line it's therapeutic to me. Same with blogging. It doesn't matter if no one reads it, it helps to write stuff down.

Things with Pea are at a painful standstill. We're put on hold for the holidays and holy crap it's awful.

On the one hand I'm pathetically grateful to get this time with my son before it's too late, but at the same time it's fucking torture. There is nothing to look forward to, and because Pea's situation is not permanent I can't apply for any help, financial or otherwise. All I can do is drag myself through the days and hope Pea can't tell from my face how much I cry.

I'll just have to take it one day at a time, I guess.


Jun. 9th, 2013 01:34 am
ladydrace: (Crap)
Okay, so I've gotten some preliminary dates. Due to summer holidays across the board we've been fortunate enough to be allowed to keep Pea over the summer. 9 more weeks until he goes away. The introduction and move itself will take place over the course of a single week, because apparently this is what experience has taught the foster family is best. Meanwhile I get to prepare Pea nice and slowly for the fact that he's going to go to these people. I doubt I can really explain to him that he's supposed to live with them, but preparation is everything, so the more he's aware of the change coming, the better.

And then I won't be able to have him home for 6 whole fucking months. I'm not sure how much I'll be allowed to visit, either, but goddammit, I hope I'll be allowed some. Because it hurts my heart just thinking about it. After that the plan is to slowly start having him home with me every other weekend, and maybe 3 entire weeks a year. B is apparently getting a different deal, but since he's hardly even willing to talk to me these days I have no idea.

When he does talk to me, all he does is whine about how he feels useless. He never does anything. Never seeks help, never tries to improve things for himself or Pea, never tries to change anything at all. My sympathy for him started to run dry ages ago, and we're scraping the bottom now. If he wants Pea around more, he's going to have to take steps to accommodate Pea's needs. Which he has never done, despite repeated promises. I am done waiting for him to act.

My sisters have not said a single word to me about this whole thing, and I'm sort of naïvely hoping it'll stay that way. Because what I don't need right now is to defend my reasons for accepting this. They might be willing to gamble everything for the slightest chance, but I'm not. The time I would spend battling the system could be much better spent helping Pea. And if the county won't allow me to do it, then fine, I'll step back and let someone else. I won't like it, but I'll accept it.

ladydrace: (Crap)
... in this whole mess of foster care preparations... people giving me these long speeches on how I'm doing the right thing for Pea.

That's easy for you to say, you fucktards, you're the winners in this.

It would be like the winner of a gunfight saying to the loser: "See, I told you this was for the best!"

Meanwhile I'm over here with pain in my chest.

ladydrace: (Crap)
  • Still don't know what I'm going to live on for the next many months. I could end up getting evicted. Worst case scenario, but still. Jesus fuck.
  • Still have no idea what the hell I'm going to say to Pea. How to explain to him that he has to go live with these other people. How the hell... I cry a lot.
  • Still trying to find a fucking loophole. Not sure there even is one, but I'm desperate. Grasping at straws.
  • Nobody can tell me anything. NOT KNOWING IS FUCKING KILLING ME, OKAY!?
ladydrace: (Default)
The battle is lost. The county just called. Based on the information they have, they do not feel it's worth it starting another investigation into my parenting skills. They don't feel I am stable enough for Pea's needs. They need to see a longer period of stability before they're willing to reconsider the matter. Which means that Pea is going into fostercare.

The fact that Pea is doing well right now is not important, apparently. They are going to uproot him completely because he might not do well in the future. Might.

Fuck it all.

They keep saying the task now will be to get him back home, but even if that happens, it probably won't be for another five years. Pea will be 9 years old, then. Jesus fuck. And how the hell am I supposed to learn how to deal with Pea's issues if I don't have him with me? "But you'll see him something like every other weekend." Oh, yeah, that'll teach me loads about how everyday life with an autistic child is. Loads. Not. Bastards.

Fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

ladydrace: (No Respect for the Law)
I've had the misfortune of someone actually stealing one of my few original works and claiming it as their own. I've demanded in comments that the work be removed immediately, and I plan on reporting the thief to the archive. But other than that, if nothing happens, what do I do then? How does one handle shit like this?

Any and all advice welcome!
ladydrace: (Sowwy Cas)
I have just not been able to keep up with things on LJ and DW lately. I only seem to remember to check in every couple of weeks or so, and I am so sorry if I've missed any major points in your lives.

Real life is just being crazy, and I have pretty much given up on blogging about all of it. Basically these days I only blog when I just randomly get the urge to do so, so what I write probably doesn't reflect very accurately what's going on in my life.

The broad strokes are as follows: Still no news about foster care. Slight progress on getting help for my head. Zero improvement in financial situation. Issues with B are slowly cropping up more and more, and moods are tense. Things are truly coming to a head. I expect some chaos in my near future when this all culminates.

But Pea is beautiful and perfect, and my head is at least keeping its bitching at a level where I can function fairly well, which is a MAJOR improvement.

And I'm still churning out writing like woah. Whatever is doing that, please never stop!
ladydrace: (Phoenix purple x-men)
Finally some goddamn good news!

Lots of news under here! )

TL;DR: I'm okay. I'll make it.

ladydrace: (Vomit now?)
*crack of thunder*

I am really very bitter right now.

I moved to this place, this apartment, specifically to make things better for Pea. I accepted it before I knew I wouldn't actually be having him here. When I realized that he'd be going into foster care, I did some calculations and I thought I could make it work with the information I had at the time. But now, starting my 3rd month here, it's clear that I cannot afford it. Pea is still with me, and therefore I still get certain financial benefits, but it's already tight since his address is now at B's. When Pea goes away, I will be so so fucked.

I've had to borrow money from the bank to make ends meet this month, but I don't know what I'll do next month. My mother says she'll help me, but she's not rich either. She can't support me, and neither should she.

So. All signs point to the fact that I need to move again. As soon as humanly possible. Into something much smaller. The good news is that since I'll be moving to something else in this town, I won't have to move far, and therefore won't need a moving company. I'll probably also have to sell at least half of all my furniture, but fuck that. I need food more than I need a cupboard. I'll live in boxes if I have to. I just have to make the goddamn ends meet.

I'm tired from my first move and the thought of going through another one so soon makes me wanna cry. And I have. Fuck. Looks like 2013 will be a year of stress and despair.

It seems that no matter how hard I try to do the right thing, all my good intentions are flung back into my face.

Just to put the cherry on top of the cake, I also finally got word from the psychiatrists. They've given up on me. In their own words: "In the future we would recommend a social support effort rather than medical or psychiatric treatment." What the hell am I going to do with that?! If I take their word for it and roll over, that would also mean that any hope of getting Pea home again will be lost. Which is fucking unacceptable. They can't do this to me.

I think right now I'm even past a point where I'm surprised every time more shit falls onto my head. That fact that I haven't had a nervous breakdown yet is some kind of miracle. Lots of other weird stuff going on with my head, but as long as I'm still standing, I can make it. I have to make it.

Well fuck.

Mar. 1st, 2013 04:01 pm
ladydrace: (Crap)
I might have to move again.

This is bad.
ladydrace: (Crap)
It's all crap. So let's stick to fandom.
ladydrace: (Stay In Bed)
Good news? Bicycle arrived and is now assembled. Bad news? My bike pump doesn't work for this type of bike, and I also need a lock. And since the tires are kinda soggy, there'll be no driving it for now.

Good news? Exterminator has been here and sprayed the little flea bastards. The bad news is that while the stuff he used is badass, it doesn't work all at once. The live fleas should die slowly over the next couple of days. Then he'll come back in 2 weeks and spray again to get the eggs. So they'll keep bugging me for a while, but at least not as much as they do now.

Good news? The super seemed genuinely shocked at all the shit that needs fixing in the apartment, so he'll be back tomorrow with a colleague. Which is kind of the bad news, because I get so scared about "complaining". I know logically that it's not complaining, since I'm expected to point out flaws or needed repairs, but it ramps up my anxiety so fucking much to do this. And I was hoping to have energy left over to go to the city 15 mins away by car to go apply for welfare. I'm not entirely sure I'll manage it. And I have to do it this week.

The bad news with no good news for balance is that my phone is broken. The screen is cracked, and fixing it will cost money I simply don't have right now. Unless I've miscalculated grossly how much money I'll get back of my deposit from the old apartment, I won't be able to afford to fix it. It would be cheaper for me to wait another 3 months, because by then I'll be allowed to buy a new phone and pay it via my phone bill. It still works and I'll keep using until it breaks down. I also still have my previous phone, and going back to it shouldn't be much of an issue. Annoying, but fairly unproblematic.

There's more. But it's only Tuesday and I'm already completely exhausted. Fuck this, I'm going to bed.

ladydrace: (Crap)
Okay so... this is all very shitty.

The old apartment got bad marks across the board. I thought we'd taken fairly good care of it all things considered, but clearly the inspector didn't think so. The cleaning wasn't good enough either. So I probably won't get much of my deposit back. Which sucks, because I had to ask my bank to be allowed to withdraw over my limit to be able to afford all the moving expenses. I only got it because I promised I'd cover it as soon as I get my deposit back. If I don't get enough I don't know what I'll do.

Fleas are still eating me alive. And after a few days of confusing connection problems I finally got hold of a super and at least he didn't even ask me to justify or anything, he just told me he'd get hold of an exterminator. I'm hoping they'll contact me Monday and get the actual extermination done next week. God, I'm going insane. *scratches*

Speaking of the super, he's nice but impossible to get a hold of. Officially they have an hour of "office hours" every day where you can call them... but they never actually pick up the phone. Which is why my washing machine is still not plugged in. *le sigh* I'm planning on going there in person Monday or Wednesday to get shit done. Like getting an actual folder of house rules (which they didn't seem to have any of when I got my keys, but which would be nice to have to know if I'm obligated to clean my own roof gutters and cut my own hedge...) and getting my name on the door and my mailbox. Not to mention to make a date for the super to come over so we can go over the endless list of shit I would really prefer to have fixed.

My flea-related infection wasn't so flea related after all, but no less annoying or painful. But at least it seems to be fading fairly quickly.

Other negative stuff is finding out that one of the two people who used to be my very best friends went ahead and got married over a year ago and never even bothered to tell me. I know that my head issues are the reason I'm pulling away, but it doesn't hurt any less when it's finally clear that the people who were once your nearest and dearest have completely moved on from you. The other one of the two did the same a few years ago, so this is just a bonus pain, really.

And speaking of bonus pain, I have (again) found myself mentioned on a site dedicated to making fun of weird fanfic. Not really a confidence boost, as much as I know opinions on fic are highly subjective.

On the positive side, I finally managed to pick out a bike and order it. It should be here Tuesday. It's this one. And oddly enough, I saw this very bike over a year ago in a shop, and for some reason I just adored it, but never really assumed I would need a new bike anytime soon. But it was in my price range and I ended up not being able to decide between my choices, so I went with my bike crush. :o) Can't wait to try it out!

And on the topic of Pea and his future, I'm forcibly NOT thinking about that. I can't. Not now. I'm actively ignoring it.

Time to get drunk, I think.

ladydrace: (Snap fingers Gabriel)
My past kinda sucks in a lot of ways, so normally I look to the future for comfort instead. But right now my immediate future looks really fucking grim, so right now, all my comfort lies with fandom.

I'm pretty sure I'm taking escapism to the next level. And I'm really fine with that.
ladydrace: (brb dying)

Getting it was... strange. First I had to get the cable here turned on. Which I assumed involved actual "turning on" but ended up just being a really old dude popping in to get me to sign some papers and then leave again. Okay then. Before this I had signed up for internet and had gotten a package with a modem and stuff in it for the do-it-yourself setup I'd ordered. Only, there were no plugs on the cable. I assumed this was a mistake and called the company. They told me I needed to have a technician come by. Which made no sense, since... do-it-yourself option. Oh well. It was not going to happen over the holidays, so ugh, major bummer.

So I waited until the first normal day after Christmas and called them again. I only had that one day to stay at home and wait for whatever tech people would be coming, so I called them as soon as their phones opened. They said they'd call me back. 8 hours later I still hadn't heard a peep, so I called them again and got hold of yet another person, who could not actually explain why I needed a technician. I told her I had the cable from my old connection and asked her if I could use that. She said I could, so I did and hey presto INTERNET! Which I could then have had like 5 days ago. *le sigh*

In vaguely related news I also tried getting my super to connect my washing machine, because where I lived before had rules about not getting it done by outside people. But the super I talked to this morning couldn't tell me what the rules were here, and said he'd call me back. He never did. *le sigh*

The list of shit that needs fixing in the apartment only gets longer. After New Year there is a lot of stuff to be done. And omg, the fleas are everywhere. If I'm still getting fresh bites after New Year, I'm going to assume the spraying/fuming/whatever didn't work and add that to the list.

I think this post is just gonna end up being a lot of complaining...

But I have to remember that there's also good news. The move is over. It's done. I'm settled. All my stuff is here. The old place is as clean as it's gonna get, and if it turns out not to be good enough, I do have enough money to pay for whatever they deem necessary.

And... I'm really struggling to find more positive stuff... :oS So I'll end this post here. Fannish stuff to follow.
ladydrace: (brb dying)
Just popping in quick, borrowing my mother's internet, to wish everyone a very happy whatever you celebrate! Here in Denmark the 24th is when all the fun happens, so today's the day! I'm just hanging out at my mother's until we haul ourselves and the truckload of gifts further North where my sisters are already waiting. An evening of family interaction ahead, like every year. Let's hope nobody cries this year. It's always something like a 50/50 risk. 

Moving of all my stuff happened Thursday with a surprising lack of fuss. Apart from me falling on my ass in the snow and somehow managing to forget to pack ALL MY CLOTHES, everything went off without a hitch. Pea came to the new house Friday and had only a single (but violent) meltdown before he apparently accepted the change and just went with it.

There is one major issue with the new place, though. As I've mentioned before, I'm pretty sure a hoarder lived there. Whatever the case, the previous occupants were clearly evicted, and they left the place an absolute mess. Despite reassurances from the super that everything had been fixed... it hasn't. I keep finding nasty nasty stuff in corners here and there, and the fleas I'd been warned about were not an exaggeration. Pea suffered several huge bites and I am NOT happy. 
The bathroom is disgusting, there is something growing in one of the kitchen cabinets and there is a really horrible smell from one of the drains. Not to mention that it looks like someone puked on the door of the shed, and nobody thought to clean it up. The list goes on and on and on. 

Basically, serious fixing up is required and while the super seems nice, he's probably gonna hate me by the end, because there is no end to the shit I need fixed. So the move itself went smoothly, but I'm off to something of a rocky start at the new place. *le sigh*

But enough about that. I can complain more when I get my own internet, hopefully before the New Year. For now, it's time to eat, drink and be merry. 

ladydrace: (Crap)
Good god, this move is going in the crapper.

Due to delays with mail and stuff, I might not be able to get the keys for my new place in time for the move, which means that worst possible scenario is that I'll need to postpone the move. And I have to be out by 1/1-13.  Which is still possible, sure, but it's gonna be extra stressful, and I probably won't have time to clean the apartment, which means I'll have to pay for it, which means yet another expense on top of several other unexpected ones raining down on me right now. Especially if I need to move the date for the moving company. They'll probably want some kind of compensation. Fuck.

I may or may not also have destroyed my washing machine. And I have only my own stupidity to blame.

I also still haven't been able to sign the lease yet, which is giving me nightmares.

I'm also behind on packing, but unless something truly horrible happens, I'll catch up. I hope. If I don't manage it, I'll just have to move the last few things at a later time, I suppose.

I'm feeling lonely as fuck, terrified and tired. It's too fucking much. How I ever thought I could do this alone is beyond me. I'm not strong enough for this.
ladydrace: (Crap)
This is the first week in something like 6 months where I don't have any meetings to go to. No parenting people. No social services. No doctor. No job counselling. Nothing. Logically I know it's probably just a coincidence, but a tiny voice in the back of my head can't help but whisper that all these meetings were just one long mission to take my baby away, and now that it's underway, there's no reason to put more pressure on me.

I should probably just be happy that I have a final peaceful week before the move. But wow. Bitter.
ladydrace: (Doktor Svans)
In regards to the Pea situation, all I'm gonna say is that denial is a beautiful thing. Everything is set in motion, so there's nothing more I can really do other than worry myself silly. So I'm making extreme effort to not think about it. At all.

To help with this, I downloaded all 10 seasons of Stargate SG-1 and started a marathon. Not even kidding. I started watching only a couple of weeks ago and I'm already several episodes into season 5.

I'm not all that into it, to be honest, but it's decent entertainment and distracts me nicely. The first 2 seasons made me constantly roll my eyes because it was so silly, but I sternly reminded myself that first seasons are often like that. (TNG season 1, oh boy...)

Other stuff that keeps my mind off dangerous topics is smut. Not that smut isn't an awfully nice thing in general, but it seems my brain takes comfort in pushing the limits of my normal kinks. I'm delving into BDSM and watersports fics, and I'm frankly disappointed at how little there is of this in the SPN fandom, even on the kink meme (which is usually so scary to me that I hardly dare look at it. Bestiality, man... *shudder*). Guess I'll have to write what I want myself. I already did, actually.

I was feeling horribly down and in desperate need of some nice feedback, so I went back to what works (since my Dog Walker fic is getting a very lukewarm response) and posted a D/s smut thing I found in my folders. I posted a hesitant first part on tumblr and the response was overwhelming, so before I knew it I'd written almost 4k of sabriel D/s, powered by huge amounts of notes. It's here, if anyone wants to read it. Some day I'll probably have it betaed and posted properly, but for now I'm drowning in the moving process, so it'll have to wait.

Speaking of the moving process, there are ups and downs. It's fucking complicated and stressful, but it's going steadily ahead and 9 days from now, I'll have a new home. I got a moving company at a great price, got the loan for my deposit and all I need now is the key to my new place. Should hear from the leasers about signing the lease sometime this week, and I hope to get the keys at the same time.

Now... I guess I can't procrastinate packing any longer. *le sigh*


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Lady Drace

April 2016

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