Another whiner post.

[ladydrace]

Well, here I am. Finally alone, like I've craved being for the last 2 weeks. And what am I doing? Guilt tripping madly for not being there at daycare with hubby and Pea. Great. Just great.

Last night was horrid, as I'm sure my post reflected. Thank you dear, sweet friends for all your hugs and support.

Here's the quick rundown:

Friday I had my breakdown and sat through the meeting of doom sniffling and shaking. So fucking embarrassing. We came home and I was on such a high just from the week being over that I was fine with Hubby going out for the night and sleeping over at a friend's house. When he came home Saturday afternoon, however, things got... bad. Pea suddenly went completely bonkers and wouldn't stop crying for hours. Later on he got a fever and a runny nose and was generally being very demanding and clingy. Not to mention the fact that he wouldn't/couldn't sleep. So by Sunday night I was done. I had nothing more to give. After this week, I knew I was pretty damn close to rock bottom and this illness of Pea's just pushed me over the edge.

I shut down. Literally. Mentally. I had a bit of a cry out, but it was over in like 5 mins and then... I started cleaning. Doing laundry. Setting table. Completely on automatic pilot. I didn't feel anything. I found myself thinking: "So this is what it's like having a split personality." Because that's what it felt like. I wondered to myself who that whiny, weak bitch was who usually lived here and whether everything wouldn't just be better if she stayed away.

Even now I feel kinda numb. I was flamed on fandomsecrets  for a HP secret and normally that would bother me. Today it didn't. I just shrugged, left an anonymous comment to clarify a point in the secret and then... blah. Nothing.

So what am I feeling right now?
Guilt. Even though I know I deserve a rest, I still feel I should be there with Hubby and Pea. Stupid, but that's how I feel.
Worry. Worry that I might not be able to let anything out now that I have the chance and that I'll stuff my problems down even farther, like I did when I was younger. I've been forcing my anxiety down all week and even my breakdown didn't get that much out. I didn't have the luxury of letting it all go right before the meeting. *sigh*

Pain. Physical pain. I've obviously been tensing up like woah all week and now I feel pain in muscles I never even knew I had. Everywhere hurts. Especially my neck and shoulders. Ow.

And that's it. I dunno. I'm gonna go and... I dunno. Later.

Comments

[mrs-picard.livejournal.com]

*HUGS* I know I'm probably late with these but anyways!

[silkmoth101.livejournal.com]

Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry. *hugs*

I don't think you have a split personality... it sounds like your last line of defence. You know, when the doom gets too much to bear, everything shuts down and you're surviving. not really living, only surviving. It will get better, I promise. *hugs you even more*

[xiilnek.livejournal.com]

I don't know anything about mental stuff, but maybe this is your mind's way of processing everything? A temporary defense, like silkmoth said. Letting your mental self heal a bit before you conciously deal with everything.

It's not stupid to feel guilty, either - completely natural, whether or not it's really logical.

Does your husband know a little about massage? Enough to maybe try to work the kinks out the next time the two of you get the chance?

Maybe once this ebbs you'll be able to let it all out? Arrange a PeaSitter for a bit so you can?

*bearhugs*

[mithrel.livejournal.com]

Ouch. Don't know what to tell you except I'll be thinking of you.