Lady Drace

 Wow, okay, it's been so fucking long since I posted here, but I have some stuff I need to write out, so here goes.

I suddenly remembered today another reason why I fight so hard for Pea. Apart from the obvious, Pea loves his daddy.

Now, B and I fell apart, and there have been periods of animosity and bitterness and a lot of misunderstandings. And if I'm being brutally honest, I generally think B is pretty stupid.

But despite all of this I have never been able to find a single sign that he doesn't dearly love our kid. He adores Pea, and though I don't agree with his ways of handling the whole co-parenting deal, I am 100% sure that he will do anything for Pea if he has to. 

However, there have been incidents lately where Pea has been very sad about leaving mommy and generally having a hard time when we have to say goodbye. And today we went to a meeting at the daycare, and we went to say hi to him for five mins. At day's end, Pea was going to spend the weekend with daddy, and it's been almost 2 months since they saw each other last, and I was worried. I was worried that Pea would have lost focus on daddy, and would go immediately for me, only to be sad when told that he wouldn't be leaving with me.

But what I got was the perfect scenario. Pea made a bee-line for daddy, right into a hug, and joyfully told him that "guess what, Daddy!? I'm going home with YOU!" I got a little gooey inside, and so did B. Pea did come to me after, and one hug was obviously not enough, because it took a while to hug it out, but after that he was fine with the five mins we were there. He said goodbye without a fuss, and I could go home reassured that he would go to B's for the weekend without feeling cheated somehow.

I am gonna win this so Pea can have more time with his daddy. I want them to have their time, even if it means more bad habits to bring home. (leaving the toilet seat up for one). I want Pea to be able to talk to B. I look forward to B teaching Pea to shave or how to drive or whatever the time may bring. I want them to have that, so badly.

PS: wtf, Dreamwidth doesn't work in Chrome anymore? D:

So, it's been ages since I updated here. A lot has happened and I think it's slowly sinking in.

Pea left home on Friday. The foster parents are super nice and call me every other day to tell me in great detail what Pea is up to. They say he misses me, but accepts the new situation well enough. Sleeps well, eats well and spends all day out on their wonderful grounds, climbing hills or walking in the forest or roughhousing with the family's only other foster child; a pre-teen boy.

They say he's wonderful, but I guess they're kinda obligated to say that. But then again, if he stays as super-cute as he was during the first visits, then he probably is a little angel.

I miss him so fucking much already.

I'm coping better than I thought I would. I haven't fallen into a complete depressive stupor, but I admit it's been kind of a struggle pulling myself together and doing things. But I try to get out of the door at least once a day (try being the operative word here), and I've made a list of fairly large tasks that need doing, which I have been putting off forever because Pea was around. So it's not too bad.

That said, I am constantly on the verge of tears and every time I have to pick up or move something of Pea's I get a serious twinge in my chest. Because this isn't home for him any more. And only God knows when or if it ever will be again.

There was a lot more I wanted to share, but... it still hurts too much.

So good news and bad news.

Good news: Turns out the lady from the county had something of a brain fart when she told me I wouldn't see Pea for six months. She seemed very shocked that she'd even say such a thing, because apparently the usual wait time is something like 3-4 weeks, and in that time I can most likely visit, so... *breathing again*

Let's ignore how she almost seemed to think it must be me remembering wrong. Uh, no, I most certainly would remember that. I even asked at the time if that could be right and she assured me it was. AND I took notes. *moving past it.*

Bad news: My wallet got stolen. There was practically no money in it, but having all my cards replaced? That costs. Especially my driver's license. *le sigh* As if I wasn't already broke. Not to mention the bureaucracy and paperwork. Jesus.

Good news: We finally got taxi service for Pea and he's taken to it like a duck to water. Happily took the trips all on his own from day one. The fact that it took almost 4 weeks to get the request through and we'll only have need of it for 2 weeks... whatever. *moving past that too*

Bad news: B and I are testy with each other for a lot of reasons. Personally I think he's just being an ass, but logically I assume it's the pressure getting to both of us.

Good news: Pea seems happy with the idea of staying with the foster family.

Bad news: 4½ weeks left...

Okay, so I've gotten some preliminary dates. Due to summer holidays across the board we've been fortunate enough to be allowed to keep Pea over the summer. 9 more weeks until he goes away. The introduction and move itself will take place over the course of a single week, because apparently this is what experience has taught the foster family is best. Meanwhile I get to prepare Pea nice and slowly for the fact that he's going to go to these people. I doubt I can really explain to him that he's supposed to live with them, but preparation is everything, so the more he's aware of the change coming, the better.

And then I won't be able to have him home for 6 whole fucking months. I'm not sure how much I'll be allowed to visit, either, but goddammit, I hope I'll be allowed some. Because it hurts my heart just thinking about it. After that the plan is to slowly start having him home with me every other weekend, and maybe 3 entire weeks a year. B is apparently getting a different deal, but since he's hardly even willing to talk to me these days I have no idea.

When he does talk to me, all he does is whine about how he feels useless. He never does anything. Never seeks help, never tries to improve things for himself or Pea, never tries to change anything at all. My sympathy for him started to run dry ages ago, and we're scraping the bottom now. If he wants Pea around more, he's going to have to take steps to accommodate Pea's needs. Which he has never done, despite repeated promises. I am done waiting for him to act.

My sisters have not said a single word to me about this whole thing, and I'm sort of naïvely hoping it'll stay that way. Because what I don't need right now is to defend my reasons for accepting this. They might be willing to gamble everything for the slightest chance, but I'm not. The time I would spend battling the system could be much better spent helping Pea. And if the county won't allow me to do it, then fine, I'll step back and let someone else. I won't like it, but I'll accept it.

So we had a meeting with the new county yesterday, and we did not get the answer we were hoping for. Or that I was hoping for anyway. Not sure where B stands these days.

This county also recommends foster care, but for a different reason, and this time I don't know how to fight it.

( Read more... )

A lot of the time these days I'm getting earful after earful about how serious it is to have a kid with autism, and yeah, sure, I see what they're getting at. But honestly, 90% of the time, the autism is invisible to me. Not that I forget he has it, not at all. But unless we're having conflicts, Pea is generally just... my son. He has quirks, which I'm sure some people would label "not normal" because it fits in with autism symptoms, but a lot of these are the same to me as any other kid with a preference for something.

So just because it's on my mind, here are a few things that are apparently an autism thing, but to me feels like just my kid.

- Music. Pea does not like music. Out on the town or on the car radio or on tv, it's okay. But no turning on the stereo at home, and 9 times out of 10, no singing from me. It's a bummer, but living with someone else, even a kid, means that sometimes you have to bend a little.

- No using the vacuum cleaner when he's in the house. That thing scares him shitless. My mother tells me I was the same with lawnmowers at his age, so how this is related to autism is vague to me.

- Dialogue quoting. Anything from cartoons to comic books, after a few times Pea can quote them from start to finish. Best game in the world for him is if we act out the different roles. The fact that we're doing it 300 times in a row is tiring, but hey, I get passionate about stuff too.

- Playing in the dirt. He's a kid. Honestly, how this is not normal baffles me.

- Extreme focus on one kind of food. I can't blame a kid for wanting the one thing he likes most right now. And as long as he's eating a few other things in between, I see nothing wrong with letting him eat the same thing day in and day out. Call me a bad mother, but that's how I feel.

- Slow development. This is worrying, I agree completely. But why do we need to push him to "catch up"? As long as he's happy and physically healthy, I have no problem with my kid having only the abilities of a younger child. He's gonna need special aid anyway, so why make it even harder for him by pressuring him to reach some kind of magical line? He's already using so much energy just dealing with how his perception of the world fucks up on a regular basis, I just don't see why I have to stick his nose in a book every time he's relaxed and content.

- Dislike of eye contact. I have that too, sweetie pie.

Fun fact: the people dealing with Pea often express disbelief when I tell them he sleeps perfectly well at night with no special aid stuff. And I'm like... "as if the problems he's already dealing with aren't enough for you?"

Going through all of this with Pea has taught me one thing about myself that I never knew.

I need to be needed.

I was aware before this that I like to be needed. Nothing made me happier as a kid than when my mom told people how good I was at helping around the house or reminding her to take her meds and stuff like that. I felt so good making sure B had clean clothes and hot meals. And I never felt like a more accomplished parent than when Pea was tiny and everything was a simple matter of food, diaper or sleep.

But after the divorce, during the slump where my mom was far away, B didn't need me anymore and Pea seemed to much better with anyone other than me... that was a low point.

Now? Pea has a diagnosis which makes me absolutely convinced that as much as other people might be able to offer him more professional treatment, what he needs is his mom. And I feel so goddamn good about being needed. Really needed.

I have a depressing theory that it's because deep down I feel like I don't deserve decent care, but everyone else does. So doing something just for my own sake never really feels worthwhile, but as soon as it's someone else's needs on the table, it's suddenly important.

This is all very sad, but considering how much time I've spent in therapy with no progress on this, I'd much rather focus on using it. Keeping myself needed keeps me going. Keeping myself going builds my confidence and gives me all these little victories I haven't had for way too long. Maybe some day I'll feel that doing things for myself matters. But until that day comes I will shamelessly use others as motivation to get shit done.

Whichever god listened to my mass plea for aid... THANK YOU!

I have been granted a stay. Pea's case has been moved to my county, which means that I have a chance to have things re-evaluated. I have a fucking chance.

And this time, I am not taking their word for anything. This is war.

I have written to a lawyer, requesting advice for the case ahead. My brand spankin' new support person is actually on my side in this. My sister is offering advice which is surprisingly helpful. I am hoisting my goddamn banner again as we speak!

THE BATTLE HAS RECOMMENCED!!!

Now, does anyone have a spare pair of knees? Mine don't seem to work right now... *wobble*

The battle is lost. The county just called. Based on the information they have, they do not feel it's worth it starting another investigation into my parenting skills. They don't feel I am stable enough for Pea's needs. They need to see a longer period of stability before they're willing to reconsider the matter. Which means that Pea is going into fostercare.

The fact that Pea is doing well right now is not important, apparently. They are going to uproot him completely because he might not do well in the future. Might.

Fuck it all.

They keep saying the task now will be to get him back home, but even if that happens, it probably won't be for another five years. Pea will be 9 years old, then. Jesus fuck. And how the hell am I supposed to learn how to deal with Pea's issues if I don't have him with me? "But you'll see him something like every other weekend." Oh, yeah, that'll teach me loads about how everyday life with an autistic child is. Loads. Not. Bastards.

Fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I'm just so happy to be alive right now. I haven't been on medication for ages, my anxiety is a mere tickle, depression is only there when there's actually something to be down about and I have actual hope for the future.

My financial situation is still horrific, and Pea might still go to a foster home. But that's for tomorrow. Today the sky is blue and the sun is high. I feel good, my son is doing great, my whole family is doing well and... I think I might actually have a new friend.

My muses are practically piling writing mojo on me, I sleep amazingly well at night... and I've done actual gardening this week. Who'd have thunk...

To all of you, my dear friends, I say: may you all have sunny days like these. *hugs* I love you all!