Lady Drace

In an attempt at distracting my mind.

( Under this totally calm cut. )

Well, here I am. Finally alone, like I've craved being for the last 2 weeks. And what am I doing? Guilt tripping madly for not being there at daycare with hubby and Pea. Great. Just great.

Last night was horrid, as I'm sure my post reflected. Thank you dear, sweet friends for all your hugs and support.

Here's the quick rundown:

Friday I had my breakdown and sat through the meeting of doom sniffling and shaking. So fucking embarrassing. We came home and I was on such a high just from the week being over that I was fine with Hubby going out for the night and sleeping over at a friend's house. When he came home Saturday afternoon, however, things got... bad. Pea suddenly went completely bonkers and wouldn't stop crying for hours. Later on he got a fever and a runny nose and was generally being very demanding and clingy. Not to mention the fact that he wouldn't/couldn't sleep. So by Sunday night I was done. I had nothing more to give. After this week, I knew I was pretty damn close to rock bottom and this illness of Pea's just pushed me over the edge.

I shut down. Literally. Mentally. I had a bit of a cry out, but it was over in like 5 mins and then... I started cleaning. Doing laundry. Setting table. Completely on automatic pilot. I didn't feel anything. I found myself thinking: "So this is what it's like having a split personality." Because that's what it felt like. I wondered to myself who that whiny, weak bitch was who usually lived here and whether everything wouldn't just be better if she stayed away.

Even now I feel kinda numb. I was flamed on fandomsecrets  for a HP secret and normally that would bother me. Today it didn't. I just shrugged, left an anonymous comment to clarify a point in the secret and then... blah. Nothing.

So what am I feeling right now?
Guilt. Even though I know I deserve a rest, I still feel I should be there with Hubby and Pea. Stupid, but that's how I feel.
Worry. Worry that I might not be able to let anything out now that I have the chance and that I'll stuff my problems down even farther, like I did when I was younger. I've been forcing my anxiety down all week and even my breakdown didn't get that much out. I didn't have the luxury of letting it all go right before the meeting. *sigh*

Pain. Physical pain. I've obviously been tensing up like woah all week and now I feel pain in muscles I never even knew I had. Everywhere hurts. Especially my neck and shoulders. Ow.

And that's it. I dunno. I'm gonna go and... I dunno. Later.

First of all... IT'S SNOWING!! LIKE MAD! It's a real winter wonderland outside and I just LOVE LOVE LOVE it! If it lasts until christmas eve, it'll be a miracle of epic proportions, but one can always hope, right?

Fannish stuff...

Thing is, I can't ship in the HP universe. Even fanfic creeps me out a little. I've looked at a little fanart and Remus/Sirius I admit is rather lovely. BUT! A few days ago, Prisoner of Azkaban was on TV and... well... I think I kinda ship a few people in it. And then it hit me! I don't connect the movies with the books a lot. Mostly I'm offended by the way things are portrayed in the movies, and I had basically decided not to watch them anymore after Goblet of Fire. So technically I could go along happily shipping the movieverse HP and then keep the books on my shelf, blessedly undisturbed.

So I guess the bottom line now is... I think I ship Remus/Sirius... hard. (And of course, Dumbledore/Grindlewald. How can you NOT?)

I feel like a bit of a hypocrite... maybe I should make a fandom secret about it...

I was so absorbed by my anxiety over family invasion today, that I actually forgot that it's MERLIN NIGHT!!! WOOO!! It went off without a hitch, though. Exhausting, but I made it in almost one piece.

In other news, I'm making fandomsecrets like MAD! Can't wait for them all to be posted. :oP

Got the best response to one of my fandomsecrets today. This one: http://i807.photobucket.com/albums/yy359/Morgiessecrets/Originalsecret.gif prompted the comment: "oh, wow, suck my dick and die."

I laughed a lot. :o)

In other news, we're preparing Pea's naming-coffee-thingy this Saturday. I invited both my sisters to be polite, even though I was fairly sure that 'sister from hell' wasn't coming. Well, shock! She's coming! With all her 4 kids! Eeeek! Yes, I'm officially panicking. I'll be sure to have my drugs ready. *gulp* Druuuuuuuuugs...

So right now I'm soothing my nerves with potato chips and gravy made for the duck we had for dinner. (It's a season if sorts here in Denmark. Mortens Aften.) Who needs dip when you've got gravy? Mmmmm.

Better day today.

Listening to Come What May from Moulin Rouge. It's a seriously beautiful song. *sigh*

Also, today as I was on my way shopping with hubby and Pea, someone vaguely familiar suddenly stopped me and asked me if I was Minna? And upon hearing her voice, it clicked. It turned out she was my roommate from the boarding school I attended over 10 years ago, and back then she had lived on a different continent. But now? She lives 5 mins away from me! How freaky is that? She got my number, and I find myself rather eager to hear from her. :o)

The first book of the Dresden Files has arrived at the library and I'm gonna go pick it up tomorrow. I can hardly wait!

And then there's some really good news for my f-list. I'm writing! One of my longer G/B fics are finally progressing! I might actually finish this one before christmas if I keep up this pace!

In other news, my latest fandom secret has resulted in the longest flame war about Twilight... and it wasn't even remotely Twilight related. Hmmm. I'll point out which one when I post my next reveal.

And I need a beautiful icon. One of those that makes you wanna cry. Hmm. Gotta get to work.

As usual, I cannot keep my secrets to myself. So here they are, the last 3 secrets I got posted to fandomsecrets . And I suspect a few of you already guessed these were me.

( Under here. Sshhhhhhh!! )

I cannot keep secrets about myself... Other peoples' secrets: no problem. But my own.... I have no idea why that is.
( Apparently I'm a bitch because of #3... )

My second secret is up on fandomsecrets . I think this one might be easier to guess, although slightly more embarassing.

And I thought of another secret today... which is one I'm actually pretty ashamed of! And to think I didn't really think I had any secrets!

My secret didn't appear in the most recent post on fandomsecrets  either. Hmmm...