Monster post ahead!
Jul. 5th, 2009 11:18 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ladydraceWow, so many things I want to post... guess I'll just have to take them one at a time.
1. A few days ago I had a visit from one of my oldest and best friends. Due to my mental state and other stuff, we've kinda lost contact for the past few years, even though she only lives about 15 mins away from me. I felt really bad about it, because I really do love her. I don't love (I mean really love) all that many people, so when I say it to a friend, I don't mean it lightly.
Well, she came by to see Pea and it was like we had never been apart. We chatted easily and got around surprisingly big topics like sex, religion, family and money. But the best part is, that she doesn't blame me at all for losing touch. Apparently she's had her own problems and haven't really been able to keep in touch with people either. She's had a few depressions and such, mostly due to some childhood abuse, but she understands completely why I couldn't deal with some social things for a long time. And since she couldn't either, we're fine. She doesn't think it's my fault in any way at all. I cannot describe how relieved that made me feel. :o)
2. On a lighter note, I have a serious craving for the song "Oh, I Love You so" by Preston Smith. You might remember it from the movie "Cocktail". Thank god for headphones, or I would surely drive hubby crazy with how many times a day I'm listening to it right now...
3. Yesterday I had a rather severe meltdown. Mostly when that happens, it ends up being panic attacks, but this time it was the crying spell. And I'm sorry to say it was hubby who brought it about.
Thing is, we have the agreement that he is going to be watching Pea when I start my daily treatment in August. I will be gone 3-4 hours a day, 4 days a week. Up until now I've had no doubt that he was up to it, but when Pea is upset, hubby gets upset. Actually, I'm not really worried about Pea, I'm worried about hubby. He gets so stressed out that he's almost crying if he can't figure out what's bothering Pea. Like right now, we're dealing with some stomach trouble. We've got him on meds, but it might take a few days for them to take effect, and meanwhile, Pea is extremely clingy and almost only sleeps when he's in our arms. And after 4 hours of carrying Pea around, even if he's just sleeping, hubby is so frazzled that I can practially count the extra grays hairs as they emerge.
At any other time I would just grind my teeth and tell him to learn how to deal with it. He will have to, as it will certainly not be the last time Pea will need us this intensely. But when I start my treatment, I cannot afford any serious distractions. I will need to be completely focused when I'm in therapy and I'll need some time at home as well to focus on using what I learn. But when all I can think about is rushing home to avoid my husband breaking down in tears, I have a hard time believing that this treatment will do any good.
So now, all the optimism and hope I had about this treatment is down the drain. And this is where the vicious circle kicks in. If I don't have any hope I don't believe in the treatment. If I don't believe in the treatment, it won't work and if I don't get the treatment, all my hope is crushed. It's really fucked up.
And worst of all... I cannot tell hubby! He will feel so incredibly sorry and make me feel even worse for telling him. I blabbed about it a little in between sobs last night, but I don't dare tell him just how bad it is. He'll break down and be no help to me at all. *sigh*
4. We went to the health visitor a few days ago. She commented last time on my desire to be near Pea all the time, so I could hear him. Not that I rush off to him at every noise, I just cannot accept leaving a 1½ month old baby alone for 2 hours, (we don't have a baby monitor yet) simply assuming that he sleeps. Especially not with his tummy trouble.
Well, last time we were there, she persuaded me to leave him in a pagoda out back, where several other babies were sleeping. She promised, that the other moms having a group thing close to it would have an ear out for him and tell me if he needed me. I felt horrible about it, but decided to give it a go. I dunno if I'm overprotective or something, but I thought that the other moms would probably be just as eager listeners as I am. When our visit was over, I was told that he had slept through the whole thing and I felt much better for it.
At this visit, she wanted me to do it again, but Pea was very upset most of the day, so I wasn't having it. I talked to the mom who watched him most of the time last time and to my extreme surprise, she told me that he had been awake during our visit and that she had lulled him back to sleep.
I dunno if I'm being oversensitive here, but I was so extremely shocked that the health visitor hadn't told me that! Not that I would have been upset about it at the time (I think) if only the mom had poked her head in and mentioned it to me. I mean, what else won't they tell me?! "Oh, your son screamed for half an hour, but it was ok, he cried himself back to sleep." Stuff like that is a nightmare for me and my anxiety. I'm really really upset about that.
Am I being oversensitive here?
There was something else I wanted to post about, but I can't remember what it was.... I'll get back to it later.
1. A few days ago I had a visit from one of my oldest and best friends. Due to my mental state and other stuff, we've kinda lost contact for the past few years, even though she only lives about 15 mins away from me. I felt really bad about it, because I really do love her. I don't love (I mean really love) all that many people, so when I say it to a friend, I don't mean it lightly.
Well, she came by to see Pea and it was like we had never been apart. We chatted easily and got around surprisingly big topics like sex, religion, family and money. But the best part is, that she doesn't blame me at all for losing touch. Apparently she's had her own problems and haven't really been able to keep in touch with people either. She's had a few depressions and such, mostly due to some childhood abuse, but she understands completely why I couldn't deal with some social things for a long time. And since she couldn't either, we're fine. She doesn't think it's my fault in any way at all. I cannot describe how relieved that made me feel. :o)
2. On a lighter note, I have a serious craving for the song "Oh, I Love You so" by Preston Smith. You might remember it from the movie "Cocktail". Thank god for headphones, or I would surely drive hubby crazy with how many times a day I'm listening to it right now...
3. Yesterday I had a rather severe meltdown. Mostly when that happens, it ends up being panic attacks, but this time it was the crying spell. And I'm sorry to say it was hubby who brought it about.
Thing is, we have the agreement that he is going to be watching Pea when I start my daily treatment in August. I will be gone 3-4 hours a day, 4 days a week. Up until now I've had no doubt that he was up to it, but when Pea is upset, hubby gets upset. Actually, I'm not really worried about Pea, I'm worried about hubby. He gets so stressed out that he's almost crying if he can't figure out what's bothering Pea. Like right now, we're dealing with some stomach trouble. We've got him on meds, but it might take a few days for them to take effect, and meanwhile, Pea is extremely clingy and almost only sleeps when he's in our arms. And after 4 hours of carrying Pea around, even if he's just sleeping, hubby is so frazzled that I can practially count the extra grays hairs as they emerge.
At any other time I would just grind my teeth and tell him to learn how to deal with it. He will have to, as it will certainly not be the last time Pea will need us this intensely. But when I start my treatment, I cannot afford any serious distractions. I will need to be completely focused when I'm in therapy and I'll need some time at home as well to focus on using what I learn. But when all I can think about is rushing home to avoid my husband breaking down in tears, I have a hard time believing that this treatment will do any good.
So now, all the optimism and hope I had about this treatment is down the drain. And this is where the vicious circle kicks in. If I don't have any hope I don't believe in the treatment. If I don't believe in the treatment, it won't work and if I don't get the treatment, all my hope is crushed. It's really fucked up.
And worst of all... I cannot tell hubby! He will feel so incredibly sorry and make me feel even worse for telling him. I blabbed about it a little in between sobs last night, but I don't dare tell him just how bad it is. He'll break down and be no help to me at all. *sigh*
4. We went to the health visitor a few days ago. She commented last time on my desire to be near Pea all the time, so I could hear him. Not that I rush off to him at every noise, I just cannot accept leaving a 1½ month old baby alone for 2 hours, (we don't have a baby monitor yet) simply assuming that he sleeps. Especially not with his tummy trouble.
Well, last time we were there, she persuaded me to leave him in a pagoda out back, where several other babies were sleeping. She promised, that the other moms having a group thing close to it would have an ear out for him and tell me if he needed me. I felt horrible about it, but decided to give it a go. I dunno if I'm overprotective or something, but I thought that the other moms would probably be just as eager listeners as I am. When our visit was over, I was told that he had slept through the whole thing and I felt much better for it.
At this visit, she wanted me to do it again, but Pea was very upset most of the day, so I wasn't having it. I talked to the mom who watched him most of the time last time and to my extreme surprise, she told me that he had been awake during our visit and that she had lulled him back to sleep.
I dunno if I'm being oversensitive here, but I was so extremely shocked that the health visitor hadn't told me that! Not that I would have been upset about it at the time (I think) if only the mom had poked her head in and mentioned it to me. I mean, what else won't they tell me?! "Oh, your son screamed for half an hour, but it was ok, he cried himself back to sleep." Stuff like that is a nightmare for me and my anxiety. I'm really really upset about that.
Am I being oversensitive here?
There was something else I wanted to post about, but I can't remember what it was.... I'll get back to it later.
