Lady Drace

Tuesday I'm going to court to try and convince the county to let me get my son home. I've been fighting for this for two years, and it's been uphill all the way. There's no way to describe how much I've cried and raged, how hard I've worked, how many battles I've taken on. It's been completely unreal and exhausting.

But through all of it, I at least had the comfort of the fact that Pea's dad backed my play. We chat amicably about our son, we text, we get along nicely. 

Or so I thought.

Turns out he's been secretly working against me for months. He didn't say a word to me about being unhappy with the way I handled things. He didn't take any initiative to be more involved. He didn't ever show the tiniest indication that he had anything against me at all, or that he even wanted Pea for himself.

Then, yesterday, when I finally crack open the case notes that I've only just gotten in hand, there it is. Short and to the point. He is officially opposing me getting Pea home, and has gotten a lawyer to oppose me. That is betrayal enough in itself, and I called him, very angry, and got the "explanation" that he didn't think I'd had his interests at heart through all of this. Which is a bald-faced lie, first of all, because half the reason I even did this was so Pea could get more time with BOTH his parents, a point which I've consistently made through all of these battles. 

Then this morning I'm informed that there was a page missing in the case notes, and when I crack it open, there is an entire full page detailing all the ways I suck, pretty much all of it lies or twisted words, and I'm baffled. I'm completely and utterly baffled, because I cannot for the life of me imagine what I did to him to warrant that kind of attack. 

And no matter how blatantly false it is, it definitely hurts my case, so now I'm expecting to lose on Tuesday, where before I thought it was pretty much 50/50. 

This man has ripped away my hope, destroyed what I obviously naively thought was a friendship, and effectively crippled my faith in my fellow man. 

I had no idea. None. Literally anyone can be my enemy. I have never felt so betrayed and hurt in my entire life, and that includes the time he fucking cheated on me. 

So this is it. This is how you become a cynic. 

... in this whole mess of foster care preparations... people giving me these long speeches on how I'm doing the right thing for Pea.

That's easy for you to say, you fucktards, you're the winners in this.

It would be like the winner of a gunfight saying to the loser: "See, I told you this was for the best!"

Meanwhile I'm over here with pain in my chest.

The battle is lost. The county just called. Based on the information they have, they do not feel it's worth it starting another investigation into my parenting skills. They don't feel I am stable enough for Pea's needs. They need to see a longer period of stability before they're willing to reconsider the matter. Which means that Pea is going into fostercare.

The fact that Pea is doing well right now is not important, apparently. They are going to uproot him completely because he might not do well in the future. Might.

Fuck it all.

They keep saying the task now will be to get him back home, but even if that happens, it probably won't be for another five years. Pea will be 9 years old, then. Jesus fuck. And how the hell am I supposed to learn how to deal with Pea's issues if I don't have him with me? "But you'll see him something like every other weekend." Oh, yeah, that'll teach me loads about how everyday life with an autistic child is. Loads. Not. Bastards.

Fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

*crack of thunder*

I am really very bitter right now.

I moved to this place, this apartment, specifically to make things better for Pea. I accepted it before I knew I wouldn't actually be having him here. When I realized that he'd be going into foster care, I did some calculations and I thought I could make it work with the information I had at the time. But now, starting my 3rd month here, it's clear that I cannot afford it. Pea is still with me, and therefore I still get certain financial benefits, but it's already tight since his address is now at B's. When Pea goes away, I will be so so fucked.

I've had to borrow money from the bank to make ends meet this month, but I don't know what I'll do next month. My mother says she'll help me, but she's not rich either. She can't support me, and neither should she.

So. All signs point to the fact that I need to move again. As soon as humanly possible. Into something much smaller. The good news is that since I'll be moving to something else in this town, I won't have to move far, and therefore won't need a moving company. I'll probably also have to sell at least half of all my furniture, but fuck that. I need food more than I need a cupboard. I'll live in boxes if I have to. I just have to make the goddamn ends meet.

I'm tired from my first move and the thought of going through another one so soon makes me wanna cry. And I have. Fuck. Looks like 2013 will be a year of stress and despair.

It seems that no matter how hard I try to do the right thing, all my good intentions are flung back into my face.

Just to put the cherry on top of the cake, I also finally got word from the psychiatrists. They've given up on me. In their own words: "In the future we would recommend a social support effort rather than medical or psychiatric treatment." What the hell am I going to do with that?! If I take their word for it and roll over, that would also mean that any hope of getting Pea home again will be lost. Which is fucking unacceptable. They can't do this to me.

I think right now I'm even past a point where I'm surprised every time more shit falls onto my head. That fact that I haven't had a nervous breakdown yet is some kind of miracle. Lots of other weird stuff going on with my head, but as long as I'm still standing, I can make it. I have to make it.

I just heard for the umpteenth time a particular argument in favor of foster care for Pea.

"With Pea living somewhere else, you can have some peace and quiet to [some douchebag activity or occasionally 'to get better']

I DON'T WANT PEACE AND QUIET, ASSHOLES, I WANT MY BABY!!

Meeting today was beyond brutal. Imagine having every single one of your flaws typed up and printed out. 17 pages of why you suck.

That was my day.

Fuck.

My.

Life.

Explanation: The goal of this entire months long exercise was to pinpoint where B and I need help raising Pea, so of course it makes sense to highlight all the trouble areas. But 17. Fucking. Pages. Omfg. Right now it's a real honest to god struggle to remember why I should even bother being around. Not that I'm thinking of ending things, thank god, but wow. Everything seems fucking pointless right now.

Today is carnival day here in Aalborg. Imagine Mardi Gras with less beads and more city chaos, and it's dead on.

A trip to an otherwise scenic spot became a goddamn nightmare from all the changing of bus routes, and the incredibly scorching heat. So I was waiting at the bus station for a bus... any bus. I just wanted to get out of the masses of drunk people, and maybe find a slight breeze somewhere. Or a bathtub full of ice. Yes.

Anyway, as I was waiting, yet another couple of drunks came by. Or rather, came right up to me. I was generally ignoring the world with my earbuds playing my own music, rather than the thumping samba beats from everywhere. I thought maybe they wanted to ask for directions or something. It happens to me a lot. Then this odd conversation happened.

Guy: "Hey, wanna hear my nickname?"

Me: "Uh... sure, I guess..."

Guy: *grabbing his chubby gut* "Fatty!"

Me: "Oh, well... "

Guy: "But I love it!"

Me: "Uhm... have you had a few... *making swigging motions with hand*

Guy: "Oh, I've had a LOT!"

Me: "I see..."

Guy: "Look, I just saw you standing there, looking so cute, and since you've also got some extra pounds, I just wanted to come over here and tell you that you're lovely." (Transcribed from massive amounts of slurring and repeating.)

Then he touched my belly. (!!!)

Me: *vaguely creeped out now* "Oh... well... that's nice... thanks... uhm."

Guy: "You're so cute. Can I have a hug?"

Me: *blink* "Uhm..." *wants him to go away as smoothly as possible* "All right, but just very gently, okay?"

(Which to his credit he respected.)

Guy: "Bye!"

Me: "Have a nice party!" *smile*

I spent the next 20 mins or so unable to decide if I should be more flattered or disturbed by it.

Well at least there was a compliment in there somewhere...

Dear muses.

You bitches! When I'm finally in the mood to write, what do you do? You act like my brain is a fucking opium den, full of smoke and beanbag chairs! How am I supposed to put anything on paper when all you can offer me is: "Mmmm. So relaxed right now." BITCHES!

If I didn't have a million WIPs, you people would be FIRED!

 Title: The Little Voice In Your Ear. (There's now a sequel: The Little Voice In Your Ear Still Speaks.)
Fandom: Supernatural.
Pairing: Dean/Sam, Sam/Gabriel, Dean/FemOC
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 1142
Spoilers: If you know who Gabriel is, you're good.
Warnings: Suggestions of incest, dirty talk, mentions of het.
Feedback: Yes please.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything even remotely related to Supernatural.
Beta: mithrel and biggelois . Thanks, lovelies!
Notes: I honestly don't know how this happened. I thought I didn't ship wincest. I guess I was wrong. So very wrong. I blame martiya_khvar for encouraging me to write this. You can all go ahead and worship her, because clearly, she brings out the filthiest things my brain has to offer. Also big thanks to both mithrel and biggelois for offering hand-holding and peer pressure to get this posted.
Summary: A little voice in Sam's ear tells him things he doesn't like to admit to himself.

 

( Wincest this way. )

I'm getting really sick of this. After changing my LJ layout I kept noticing coding fuck-ups in my older posts. I spent hours fixing them until I realized that I would never get all of them done.  So I changed my layout back to the old one. So now the text coding works again. But we're back to the old problem of pics being sliced in half.

This is getting really frickin' old. *gnashing teeth*

Oh well. Only a couple more podfics to go until they're all properly set up. Then I can start making more.

Meanwhile, I've indulged myself a bit writing-wise this past week. I've written a few things which I really don't think will ever be postable, but I had great fun writing them. I think I might do that more. Just write shit with no pressure of actually making it reader-friendly. It's soothing in a way.

Speaking of soothing, I think I'm gonna watch some more Supernatural. Hammer of the Gods, to be exact. Gabriel schmoozing up Kali has a way of making my panties combust. Unf. Yes, please. I'm crushing on Richard Speight Jr so badly that I'll overlook the grating liberties taken with certain deities and the fact that Gabriel ends up dead, just to hear him go: "Still love me?". *melts*

Yes, please. More.