Lady Drace

Seeing as Pea is still in foster care and the county has fucked me over so I now only see Pea every 4 weeks, I was in a bit of a jam in regards to Christmas wishes. Because I'd only managed to get one wish out of him before December (other than the ever-present wish of coming home to live with mommy, -sob-) and that's just not enough when there are several other parties who want to give him gifts. So I called and asked foster mom.

But rather than give me HIS wishes, she started listing things she believed he needed. Like a lamp or  a box for his toys. Shit they could more than easily buy with the ridiculous amount of money they get thrown after them for taking care of him. And I'm not talking about their pay, I'm talking about the fact that they almost get their full pay twice over JUST for "additional expenses". 

The money issue is actually secondary, though, compared to her complete blankness when I asked what HE wanted. I know for a fact that they've been making Christmas lists at daycare, because foster dad told me. But foster mom hadn't even glanced at it. Hadn't cared. 

I can't decide what I want to do more. Cut a bitch or cry. 

I'm just so happy to be alive right now. I haven't been on medication for ages, my anxiety is a mere tickle, depression is only there when there's actually something to be down about and I have actual hope for the future.

My financial situation is still horrific, and Pea might still go to a foster home. But that's for tomorrow. Today the sky is blue and the sun is high. I feel good, my son is doing great, my whole family is doing well and... I think I might actually have a new friend.

My muses are practically piling writing mojo on me, I sleep amazingly well at night... and I've done actual gardening this week. Who'd have thunk...

To all of you, my dear friends, I say: may you all have sunny days like these. *hugs* I love you all!

It's been way too long since I've shown off my lovely boy. So here he is, courtesy of my new phone. :oD

( Click for pics! )

Today my beautiful boy turns 3! How time flies!

He's not home at the moment, but he's being spoiled at daddy's, and he'll be with me again tomorrow. :o)

( A few pics under here! )

In honor of the turning of the year, here is a little series of pics of my beautiful boy frolicking. :o) Taken in November.

( Under here )

Having a baby is one thing. While an infant is constantly demanding, its demands are generally fairly simple. Eat, sleep, poop. And if you're unlucky, it needs a doctor. While the child is still in the baby stage, you still get to do things your way most of the time, even though the time you have for yourself is as good as gone.

When your kid hits the toddler stage, you get more time for yourself, as the child becomes more self sufficient, your house arrives at some sort of stalemate in the constant child-proofing of things and you can actually get a few things done around the house, while the kid plays in its room/corner/bed/pen/where ever. The physical demands of the child are still seen to somehow and if you're lucky, you'll be allowed to sleep at night.

However, one thing becomes ridculously complicated once the kid achives a sense of self and suddenly develops willpower to rival most marathon runners:

Doing things your way.

All your years of shaping your habits and routines are flushed out the toilet as everything becomes a matter of how easy you can make every little thing. And suddenly easy doesn't mean what you thought it did. Before "toddler" you would do things which ever way seemed more simple/time-efficient/practical. Now, however, easy means: "How do I get this task done while keeping toddler happy?" If it means you have to put shoes on the kid before trousers or mop a swimming pool off your floor every time you do dishes, then that's just how it'll be. After the 50th tantrum, most of us either allow the kid its preferred routine or get inventive to reach some sort of compromise. Personally, I keep toy cars a-plenty in my handbag and I wear shoes inside the house if there is merely a glimmer of kiddo wanting to go outside anytime soon. Because that makes things easier.

It's not big changes, but there are a million of them and it's bloody exhausting having to rethink everything, like how you pull on your pants or eat your dinner a thousand times a day.

I admit that it might just be because I have control issues that this part has proved the most difficult for me, but wow, I really wish someone would have warned me about this particular problem. "You'll have no life." "Give up the idea of free time." "Expect constant stress and worry for the rest of your life." Those are some of the regular warnings you get when you announce to the world that you're "expecting". But then again, I might not have taken someone seriously if they'd told me that "In a couple of years, you will be  hiding in your bedroom when you have to zip a bag shut." Even if the warning had come, I doubt I would ever really have understood.

I actually often frowned at people who said things like: "Until you have kids, you won't understand." I don't anymore. (Not as much anyway) Because... this? This is beyond imagining.

But to end this on a happy note, I have to say that there's nothing more amazing in my world than when a sticky little hand reaches for mine, so sure that it'll be there that there's no need to look for it or any hesitation. Knowing that all your troubles has lead to this little Human trusting you whole-heartedly is a very special thing. My son is truly an awesome little person. :o)