Fanfic quote of the day

One memory floated to the surface. He'd been lying, sprawled on the bed
watching Garak as he poured his innermost feelings out without subtext or
finesse. He'd just blurted them out like a teenager in love for the first
time. And what he remembered most clearly from that kanaar-induced haze was
that he'd said:

"I love you, you know," and he'd been sober enough - what a joke - to watch
Garak.

The Cardassian had looked as if he'd been physically struck.

From Nothing to Leave Behind by Kira-Nerys.

First day of therapy over.

And OMG I feel horrible.

I wan't to cry, but I can't. I'm hungry, but the thought of food disgusts me. I'm tired, but my head is too full of crap to sleep. Not to mention that Pea probably feels my unease and as a result, he's being weepy and odd.

I'm not exactly sure why I feel so crappy. It's a lot of things together, I think.

Now, I've signed a form declaring that I will not speak of the others in my therapy group in any way that renders them recognizable. But basically, they make me feel as if I'm not all that sick. I mean, there I was amongst anorexics, bulimics, cutters, bashers (they were all women btw), addicts and abuse victims. And here am I... and I just feel sad.

Logically, I know something is wrong with me. But this feeling of being "not sick enough" has restarted all my old insecurities, and right now my old mantras are back in my head: "You're just lazy, fat, stupid, etc." "There's nothing wrong with you." "You're just a spoiled brat wanting attention."

I mean, I must have been to the doctor 3 times with this, before anyone would even accept that something was wrong. My doctor at the time simply said: "You're just afraid to take any kind of responsibility, aren't you?" Needless to say, I cried for hours that day. I've changed doctor twice, because they didn't seem to think I was ill, or at least acted rather insensitively around it. Am I imagining this? Are the doctors right? Am I just being oversensitive?

I just have a hard time believing that being in and out of psycologists' offices since I was 13 could be only because I'm... any of the things mentioned above.

I... there's so much more in my head, but it's messed up right now. Thank god I have you guys. I'd go mad without LJ.