Another whiner post.

Well, here I am. Finally alone, like I've craved being for the last 2 weeks. And what am I doing? Guilt tripping madly for not being there at daycare with hubby and Pea. Great. Just great.

Last night was horrid, as I'm sure my post reflected. Thank you dear, sweet friends for all your hugs and support.

Here's the quick rundown:

Friday I had my breakdown and sat through the meeting of doom sniffling and shaking. So fucking embarrassing. We came home and I was on such a high just from the week being over that I was fine with Hubby going out for the night and sleeping over at a friend's house. When he came home Saturday afternoon, however, things got... bad. Pea suddenly went completely bonkers and wouldn't stop crying for hours. Later on he got a fever and a runny nose and was generally being very demanding and clingy. Not to mention the fact that he wouldn't/couldn't sleep. So by Sunday night I was done. I had nothing more to give. After this week, I knew I was pretty damn close to rock bottom and this illness of Pea's just pushed me over the edge.

I shut down. Literally. Mentally. I had a bit of a cry out, but it was over in like 5 mins and then... I started cleaning. Doing laundry. Setting table. Completely on automatic pilot. I didn't feel anything. I found myself thinking: "So this is what it's like having a split personality." Because that's what it felt like. I wondered to myself who that whiny, weak bitch was who usually lived here and whether everything wouldn't just be better if she stayed away.

Even now I feel kinda numb. I was flamed on fandomsecrets  for a HP secret and normally that would bother me. Today it didn't. I just shrugged, left an anonymous comment to clarify a point in the secret and then... blah. Nothing.

So what am I feeling right now?
Guilt. Even though I know I deserve a rest, I still feel I should be there with Hubby and Pea. Stupid, but that's how I feel.
Worry. Worry that I might not be able to let anything out now that I have the chance and that I'll stuff my problems down even farther, like I did when I was younger. I've been forcing my anxiety down all week and even my breakdown didn't get that much out. I didn't have the luxury of letting it all go right before the meeting. *sigh*

Pain. Physical pain. I've obviously been tensing up like woah all week and now I feel pain in muscles I never even knew I had. Everywhere hurts. Especially my neck and shoulders. Ow.

And that's it. I dunno. I'm gonna go and... I dunno. Later.

Meme. Because it's better than riding a lawn mower.

( Under here, just because. )

Fanfic quote of the day

“It’s more of a…brand, really.” Bashir muttered.

“A brand??”

“Well… see, uh, a friend of mine got, uh, well, he got Marked by—”

“ ‘Marked’??”

“…and it was a long time before I could convince him to get rid of it, and in the meantime, it just seemed only fair if I…, uh,…”

From Tattoo by prelocandkanar .