I'M BACK! ... Kinda.
Jun. 7th, 2010 01:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ladydraceOk, so after a looooooooong (it felt that way, ok!) break from LJ, I've come to the conclusion that my life is infinitely sadder without my networking. So! I've made the informed decision that I'll make it work somehow. I might have to cut down rather harshly on my online activities, but it'll be worth it.
Starting today I've cut my community watching way... waaaaay down. No more![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
fandomsecrets , boy_touching , fannish5 , kinkme_merlin , and a few other non-crucial fan-comms have been cut. *le sigh* But you guys are worth it. And it's bad for my health to go cold turkey. I can't sleep. I have NO fandom inspiration to help me cool down my brain at night. If I don't get my daily fandom dosage, I'll turn into a zombie any day now. No lies.
So I'm back! At least partly. *hugs you all* Missed you badly! And a huge thank you to those who stepped up for a chat yesterday. *HUGE HUGS*. I just needed to let out some things. It's been a few rough days.
First, the elderly lady living in the apartment under ours died. She wasn't all that old and I always thought she was kinda cranky and didn't like her much. I knew she was ill, but I didn't think it was serious. Then on Thursday I was taking Pea to daycare just when a herse arrived. Insta-freakout! I'm already kinda squicked by funeral stuff and seeing it pull up to our door made me really uncomfortable. I gathered the courage to ask the (smiling! Freaky...) funeral person who she was there tp pick up. I was really shocked to find out who it was and since then I've been kinda shaken and frequently disturbed by the thought that we're living above a 'dead' apartment. *shudder*
Then Sunday came along and hell happened. At least to me. I was walking Pea to sleep in his carriage when I came by an elderly lady lying halfway into a flowerbed kinda thing, looking very uncomfortable. Knowing we have many drunks and such in the neighbourhood, I kept my distance and asked her if she needed help. I was shocked when she raised her head to look at me.
She was completely scratched up in the face, her lips and teeth were covered in dried up blood and what must have been dirt. She had a pretty ugly cut on her arm and her eyes were extremely bloodshot and runny. She accepted the offer of help in a slurred voice and when I helped her up I was shocked again by how cold she was. My god. She was thin, shaking and mumbling and I was seriously worried for her. I started talking about calling for help for her, but she was adamant about not doing so. She just wanted to get home. Apparently she lived 3 streets away and considering she could hardly sit straight, I really doubted she could make it home, even with my help. She made me promise not to call anyone.
Pea was awake in the carriage and was crying by then, so I helped her get comfortable and promised her I'd be back as soon as I'd dropped Pea off with his daddy. I raced home, (not too far, thank god) pulled hubby out of bed and grabbed my phone. I made a quick desicion to call for an ambulance. However bad I felt about breaking my promise, I would feel even worse letting her go home to die from hypothermia, bloodloss or overdose of whatever she was influenced by.
When I got back to her she had tipped over and I got her back up and held her until the ambulance arrived. I kept lying to her, telling her just to sit and rest for a bit and get warm before we started the trip to her home. She snuggled up to me, telling me how nice I was and that I was warm. I felt like an ass for lying, but I couldn't have let her go home. I just couldn't. She was so hurt when the ambulance arrived, but apparently she was too affected by everything to put up much of a fight. The paramedics were awesome and gained her trust quickly. She followed them with very little complaint, but I still felt bad.
The minute I turned my back to the paramedics, my eyes filled with tears and I started shaking. I noticed then that I had her blood on me and then I completely freaked. I ran home, jumped in the shower and scrubbed furiously and then howled my heart out on hubby's shoulder, soaking his shirt with my wet hair.
I suspect I was in some sort of emergency state, shutting off my anxiety while doing what needed to be done. But damn, it can't be healthy. I took a benzo and planned on staying home for the rest of the day. But soon I realized that my brain wouldn't let the subject rest, so hubby and I went shopping, while I was still stoned out of my mind. It was actually kinda fun.
Today I'm feeling the after effects of the benzo -like I always do- with bursts of energy, kind of a fuzzed over feeling in my head and general clumsiness. Not thinking too much about the whole thing, but every time I get close to the spot where I found her, I feel my stomach settle in my throat and panic crawl up my spine. Not to mention that every time I go out my door, I pass the windows of the dead apartment. *shudder*. Life is just really challenging right now.
But Pea is developing at what seems to be light speed, hubby is more happy generally than I've ever seen him and even though I feel like hell, I manage to get most things done. Go me.
It's good to be back. :oD
Starting today I've cut my community watching way... waaaaay down. No more
fandomsecrets , boy_touching , fannish5 , kinkme_merlin , and a few other non-crucial fan-comms have been cut. *le sigh* But you guys are worth it. And it's bad for my health to go cold turkey. I can't sleep. I have NO fandom inspiration to help me cool down my brain at night. If I don't get my daily fandom dosage, I'll turn into a zombie any day now. No lies.So I'm back! At least partly. *hugs you all* Missed you badly! And a huge thank you to those who stepped up for a chat yesterday. *HUGE HUGS*. I just needed to let out some things. It's been a few rough days.
First, the elderly lady living in the apartment under ours died. She wasn't all that old and I always thought she was kinda cranky and didn't like her much. I knew she was ill, but I didn't think it was serious. Then on Thursday I was taking Pea to daycare just when a herse arrived. Insta-freakout! I'm already kinda squicked by funeral stuff and seeing it pull up to our door made me really uncomfortable. I gathered the courage to ask the (smiling! Freaky...) funeral person who she was there tp pick up. I was really shocked to find out who it was and since then I've been kinda shaken and frequently disturbed by the thought that we're living above a 'dead' apartment. *shudder*
Then Sunday came along and hell happened. At least to me. I was walking Pea to sleep in his carriage when I came by an elderly lady lying halfway into a flowerbed kinda thing, looking very uncomfortable. Knowing we have many drunks and such in the neighbourhood, I kept my distance and asked her if she needed help. I was shocked when she raised her head to look at me.
She was completely scratched up in the face, her lips and teeth were covered in dried up blood and what must have been dirt. She had a pretty ugly cut on her arm and her eyes were extremely bloodshot and runny. She accepted the offer of help in a slurred voice and when I helped her up I was shocked again by how cold she was. My god. She was thin, shaking and mumbling and I was seriously worried for her. I started talking about calling for help for her, but she was adamant about not doing so. She just wanted to get home. Apparently she lived 3 streets away and considering she could hardly sit straight, I really doubted she could make it home, even with my help. She made me promise not to call anyone.
Pea was awake in the carriage and was crying by then, so I helped her get comfortable and promised her I'd be back as soon as I'd dropped Pea off with his daddy. I raced home, (not too far, thank god) pulled hubby out of bed and grabbed my phone. I made a quick desicion to call for an ambulance. However bad I felt about breaking my promise, I would feel even worse letting her go home to die from hypothermia, bloodloss or overdose of whatever she was influenced by.
When I got back to her she had tipped over and I got her back up and held her until the ambulance arrived. I kept lying to her, telling her just to sit and rest for a bit and get warm before we started the trip to her home. She snuggled up to me, telling me how nice I was and that I was warm. I felt like an ass for lying, but I couldn't have let her go home. I just couldn't. She was so hurt when the ambulance arrived, but apparently she was too affected by everything to put up much of a fight. The paramedics were awesome and gained her trust quickly. She followed them with very little complaint, but I still felt bad.
The minute I turned my back to the paramedics, my eyes filled with tears and I started shaking. I noticed then that I had her blood on me and then I completely freaked. I ran home, jumped in the shower and scrubbed furiously and then howled my heart out on hubby's shoulder, soaking his shirt with my wet hair.
I suspect I was in some sort of emergency state, shutting off my anxiety while doing what needed to be done. But damn, it can't be healthy. I took a benzo and planned on staying home for the rest of the day. But soon I realized that my brain wouldn't let the subject rest, so hubby and I went shopping, while I was still stoned out of my mind. It was actually kinda fun.
Today I'm feeling the after effects of the benzo -like I always do- with bursts of energy, kind of a fuzzed over feeling in my head and general clumsiness. Not thinking too much about the whole thing, but every time I get close to the spot where I found her, I feel my stomach settle in my throat and panic crawl up my spine. Not to mention that every time I go out my door, I pass the windows of the dead apartment. *shudder*. Life is just really challenging right now.
But Pea is developing at what seems to be light speed, hubby is more happy generally than I've ever seen him and even though I feel like hell, I manage to get most things done. Go me.
It's good to be back. :oD
