First off -- and I know you know this -- keep in mind that being alone is totally different from being lonely. The loneliest I ever felt was when I was in a bad relationship, living with a guy who was closed-off and remote. I lived all by myself for about fifteen years, and I wasn't lonely a bit.
During most of that time, it's true, I had a roommate -- well, a series of roommates -- but my apartment had two bedrooms and two bathrooms, and I was rarely friends with my roommates. The roommate and I would come and go totally separately, and if I came in and she was home, most often she was in her room with the door shut. We never dined together or hung out together; it was purely economic. So I remember it as living alone.
I think it's a great idea to make a list of things you always wanted to do and couldn't do in your marriage! Write it down, and keep adding to it when new things occur to you. I love "Cheese"!! It's great to include both things that seem minor as well as those major things.
Being alone is really liberating! First of all you can do whatever you want -- or whatever you decide is best (not always the same!) -- without consulting anyone. You don't have to compromise or consider another's feelings or opinions or tastes.
But even more than that, being on your own allows you to discover who you really are. Who you are, when *you're* the only one defining who you are. Not who your mother thinks you are or should be, or who you are when you're with another person. Don't you think we kind of change, subtlely or not so subtley, when we're with another person? We have to mold ourselves to fit with that person.
If you've basically lived with someone else your whole life (as many women have), I think you're in for a treat. Who knows what you may discover about yourself? Maybe you're the sort of person who likes pizza for breakfast, but HE would have been appalled; or maybe you're someone who likes to set a pretty table to eat, but HE was a casual slob. I'm just making these things up, but you see what I mean.
Another thing about living on your own is that you will discover how strong and capable you are. When there's no one right there to lean on, you find out that you really don't need someone else to do things for you. You can either do them on your own or find a way to get them done. I can't tell you how great it makes you feel knowing that you don't *need* anyone. You may want to have someone in your life again, but wanting and needing are two very different thing.
Without being pushy, can I make a plea for you to not allow yourself to rush into another relationship too soon? Give yourself the gift of taking a good long chunk of time just on your own --well, you and Pea. After you've indulged yourself and found out how *you* like to structure your day, and after you've discovered that you can handle anything... *then*, when a relationship presents itself, you can come into it with a knowledge of who you are, what you require from a relationship, and a certainty that this is something you'd *like* but don't *need.* You'll come across as confident and totally appealing.
I've seen too many of my friends rush into another relationship too soon after a marriage has ended, or rush into dating, and it's never worked out well. One friend who started dating too soon always came across as needy and desperate. She didn't believe she could survive without a man [partner]. Another friend started a relationship with a guy who lived in her new apartment right away -- she wasn't even divorced yet, just separated. This guy turned out to be alcoholic and boorish and selfish, but she could never extract herself from him. It was so convenient, you see -- he lived right there, and it was "better than nothing."
Anyway, I'm excited for you! This could be -- scratch that; *will be* -- the start of a whole new, better life for both you and Pea! And all your friends and fans here will be cheering you on, and ready to lend an ear and send hugs whenever you need.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2010-07-20 11:44 pm (UTC)First off -- and I know you know this -- keep in mind that being alone is totally different from being lonely. The loneliest I ever felt was when I was in a bad relationship, living with a guy who was closed-off and remote. I lived all by myself for about fifteen years, and I wasn't lonely a bit.
During most of that time, it's true, I had a roommate -- well, a series of roommates -- but my apartment had two bedrooms and two bathrooms, and I was rarely friends with my roommates. The roommate and I would come and go totally separately, and if I came in and she was home, most often she was in her room with the door shut. We never dined together or hung out together; it was purely economic. So I remember it as living alone.
I think it's a great idea to make a list of things you always wanted to do and couldn't do in your marriage! Write it down, and keep adding to it when new things occur to you. I love "Cheese"!! It's great to include both things that seem minor as well as those major things.
Being alone is really liberating! First of all you can do whatever you want -- or whatever you decide is best (not always the same!) -- without consulting anyone. You don't have to compromise or consider another's feelings or opinions or tastes.
But even more than that, being on your own allows you to discover who you really are. Who you are, when *you're* the only one defining who you are. Not who your mother thinks you are or should be, or who you are when you're with another person. Don't you think we kind of change, subtlely or not so subtley, when we're with another person? We have to mold ourselves to fit with that person.
If you've basically lived with someone else your whole life (as many women have), I think you're in for a treat. Who knows what you may discover about yourself? Maybe you're the sort of person who likes pizza for breakfast, but HE would have been appalled; or maybe you're someone who likes to set a pretty table to eat, but HE was a casual slob. I'm just making these things up, but you see what I mean.
Another thing about living on your own is that you will discover how strong and capable you are. When there's no one right there to lean on, you find out that you really don't need someone else to do things for you. You can either do them on your own or find a way to get them done. I can't tell you how great it makes you feel knowing that you don't *need* anyone. You may want to have someone in your life again, but wanting and needing are two very different thing.
Without being pushy, can I make a plea for you to not allow yourself to rush into another relationship too soon? Give yourself the gift of taking a good long chunk of time just on your own --well, you and Pea. After you've indulged yourself and found out how *you* like to structure your day, and after you've discovered that you can handle anything... *then*, when a relationship presents itself, you can come into it with a knowledge of who you are, what you require from a relationship, and a certainty that this is something you'd *like* but don't *need.* You'll come across as confident and totally appealing.
I've seen too many of my friends rush into another relationship too soon after a marriage has ended, or rush into dating, and it's never worked out well. One friend who started dating too soon always came across as needy and desperate. She didn't believe she could survive without a man [partner]. Another friend started a relationship with a guy who lived in her new apartment right away -- she wasn't even divorced yet, just separated. This guy turned out to be alcoholic and boorish and selfish, but she could never extract herself from him. It was so convenient, you see -- he lived right there, and it was "better than nothing."
Anyway, I'm excited for you! This could be -- scratch that; *will be* -- the start of a whole new, better life for both you and Pea! And all your friends and fans here will be cheering you on, and ready to lend an ear and send hugs whenever you need.
<3