Through The Fog, Chapter 18
Sep. 21st, 2009 08:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ladydraceSO close to the finish line! I think we're only one chapter away from the end, but knowing my muses, I won't take anything for granted! This wasn't really proof read all that much, so it's probably even more full of typos that normal. Forgive me.
Title: Through the Fog.
Codes: X-men Evolution, Nightcrawler/Toad.
Part 18/19
Rating: Uh...I'll have to redo these, but for this chapter I think PG-13.
Warnings: Erm... heavy emotional contents?
Beta: None. Probably loads of weird errors and typos, but at least it's only myself who's to blame.
Feedback: Yes please. Even 'it sucks' would be appreciated.
Disclaimer: I don't own any green prehensile delights or fluffy goodness elfs. Or even the concepts thereof. *sigh* Not mine. At all. Oh I only wish.
Summary: Todd gets an unexpected visit from his past after 10 years, and the war moves in again.
Chapter 18.
The packing of Todd's small bag was conducted in stony silence. Kurt teleported Todd to his room and then just leaned on the windowsill and studied the carpet. Todd tried not to look at Kurt while throwing his clothes carelessly into the bag, but his eyes kept darting to his 'soon to be ex'-lover.
Todd really wanted to say something. But what did one say in situations like this? He had absolutely no clue. There were no questions to ask. No point in getting answers if you weren't planning on doing anything with them. There were probably things one should say, but Todd had no idea what those might be or what purpose they might have.
Maybe goodbye? Or maybe not. Maybe it would hurt less if he just left with no words. Or not. He already knew Kurt was hurting. It didn't exactly take a genius to figure it out. But somehow the thought of himself being the cause of that hurt made Todd sick to his stomach. But he was leaving. There was just no question. His mind was made up. He came to help, he had helped -even fucked up his brain in the process- and now the time had come to save his own neck. Period.
Kurt's shoulders shook for a second the next time Todd's eyes landed on him, but there were no tears and no sound at all from him. He just stood there, looking like he had decided the rest of the world didn't exist. And it hurt. Todd realized it with a start. It hurt. So fucking much that he could hardly stand it. He had failed. He had broken his own heart again. And this time he had broken someone else's too. That thought made it all a thousand times worse. When it was only his own heart breaking, he could always hate the world and blame everything and everyone for his misery. But this misery was completely self inflicted, and there was no doubt about how big an asshole he truly was, inflicting the pain on someone else. Not to mention someone completely undeserving of something like this.
He never should have started this. He gave in to stupid temptation and now he had to pay the price. Double price, really. Broken heart AND self loathing. Two for one special – going out of business sale. What the hell had he been thinking? He had been grasping at straws, that's what. Hoping for a taste of a normal life, when such a thing was pure idiocy to hope for... for him... for them. People like Todd and Kurt never had normal lives. Ever. Trying to have one had been self deception of the first degree.
Todd zipped his bag shut with venom. The sound of it was loud in the quiet room and Kurt looked up with eyes that were miles away. His face was empty. Blank. He wasn't even sad or angry. Just blank. And he asked like nothing made any difference:
“Ready to go?”
The otherwise melodic voice was flat, and Todd's mouth went dry. He had to clear his throat before he could reply:
“Hrrm... Yeah. Sure.”
Kurt walked slowly towards him and opened his arms. For one wild moment, Todd thought he wanted to say goodbye. To hug or maybe even kiss one last time. But the long, wiry arms only went around his waist laxly and before Todd really absorbed his feelings about it, the pressure and the weird smell was there, and then the jet was right in front of him, slowly starting up its engines.
Stepping a single step away from Todd and crossing his arms over his chest, Kurt looked tired. There was still no real emotion to be found on his face and it was quickly driving Todd crazy. He thought of trying for a goodbye of some sort, but no matter what he thought of, it all seemed either stupid or pointless. His hand lifted a little, maybe to reach out to Kurt, but as if it was an indicator of Todd's confused feelings, it lost heart half way and dropped back to hang limply by his side. Sighing, he gave up and decided to do like he always did. When something was bound to hurt, get it over with. Like a band aid. So, feeling like even more of an ass, he turned on his heel and dragged himself onto the jet without looking back.
Kitty was at the controls and she sent Todd a sympathetic smile as he sat down and fiddled with the buckles of the seatbelt. He didn't meet her eyes. Even when his world was collapsing on itself, he couldn't stand the pity. Especially since it was of his own doing.
Apparently starting up a jet wasn't exactly as simple as Todd would have thought. Either that, or Kitty wasn't all that great at it. In any case it took what seemed like ages before the thing was actually in the air. He buckled himself in and then made an extreme effort not to twiddle his thumbs or bite his nails for the next long minutes of startup procedure. It gave him entirely too much time to think about his situation, and before long, he just about wished that Baldie 'had' turned his brain to mush. At least, that way, he would have had a little peace and quiet in his skull.
As it was, the same thoughts kept chasing each other around in his mind. That this was by far the most idiotic thing he'd ever done. And that was quite something, considering his previous experiences. Also, he decided that this was just about the most miserable he'd ever felt, which in view of his upbringing was an even bigger feat. He really wished he could blame someone for his misery. That he could rant and scream at someone or something and maybe feel a little better. Making someone else feel like crap had always helped in the past when he was hurt. But now?
Fuzzy's pain seemed to make his own so much worse that he wondered if it would ever really go away. Comparing it to other low points in his life only brought home just how bad it was. His mother not recognizing him, in her fog of whatever she was high on the day he left home for good, had been really bad. The day the Brotherhood had kicked him out had been even worse. But this day took the cake. And one of the really horrible things about it was that he wasn't even sure why. Why should this be so much worse? He wasn't beaten to a pulp or starved like the first days on his own, not freezing and hurting in his own back yard like he was ten years ago. He was sitting in a comfortable seat on a warm jet plane, about to take him to safety.
But just imagining a certain blank face in his mind was enough to make his stomach clench and his mouth dry out. He cursed his life for not preparing him for stuff like this. Feelings and crap. His life had only really taught him how to survive and try to have some occasional fun, but not how to actually live. He'd known all his life that he'd never get the white picket fence, the fat wife and the truckload of kids. But he had still -somewhere deep down- hoped for some kind of life for himself. Somehow. Someday.
The jet was finally getting airborne, so Todd snapped out of his musings and leaned closer to the window in an attempt at getting one last glimpse at the place that held the reason for his torment. Kitty didn't talk and only glanced at him over her shoulder occasionally, while leaving him to his thoughts. He was grateful that she would actually show him that much consideration. Somewhat against his will, he admitted that she was ok. Even if she had a been a complete pain in the ass when she was dating Lance.
Come to think of it, most of the X-Geeks were basically good people. Somewhat idiotic and way too kindhearted for their own good... but good people. Scott was a true and utter bastard who would probably hate him for the rest of his days, but even when straining his tired brain, Todd couldn't think of a single other person from the mansion with a genuine reason to hate him apart from his horrible smell back in the day. That realization made him simultaneously happy and nauseas. Not to mention the sudden flood of “what ifs” that stormed his brain in a rush.
For one dizzying moment, he allowed himself to consider the mere possibility of staying at the mansion. Not taking into account the obvious benefits of greatly improved living standards, there was Fuzzy. Forcefully shoving Kurt's face aside in his mind, Todd weighed the pro's and con's. He would probably have to join the team and fight a fight he had never considered his own. He would even have to make a real attempt at a permanent attitude adjustment, not to mention some serious anger management when dealing with Scott.
But even with those rather dismal prospects for the future, the rewards dangled tantalizingly in front of his face, suddenly making it feel like a fair bargain. He would have a chance to start afresh, make some friends and... he couldn't escape it anymore; the image of Kurt forced its way back to the front of his mind. And the thought that the blank look on his face could be reversed back to that glowing look of happiness he'd had the sunny autumn day in the mansion grounds, when everything had felt just right, was just too much.
With shocking force, Todd's heart jumped in his chest and a ridiculous amount of hope blossomed, making him almost dizzy with all the possibilities opening up to him. All of them involving Kurt in some way. And that's the moment where he finally realized that he had done it again. Given his heart away. Definitely, completely, crazily given it away to a furry freak, who probably gave him more love than he ever deserved... and for some odd reason was likely still willing to give him even more.
His chance for happiness was right in front of him. All he had to do was swallow his pride and reach for it. All right, then. Nobody could ever accuse The Toad of being a coward at crunch time. When the going got tough, The Toad would step up to the fight. Even if the fight was mostly for his own sanity and future life. Determined, he swallowed the mouthful of cotton that had suddenly appeared and leaned forward to tap Kitty on her shoulder.
“Hey.. Kitty Cat. Turn this thing around. I gotta go back.”
Glancing over her shoulder, Kitty gave him a piercing look.
“Back? What for?”
Todd shoved his pride far down and simply met her questioning eyes.
“I need to talk to Baldie.”
Kitty smiled wryly and quirked an eyebrow at him.
“For your information, this is the X-jet, not a taxi. And the phone has been invented, you know.”
The temptation to snap back was great, but he mentally kicked himself in the ass before he replied:
“I know... I just... gotta go back.”
She shrugged and turned away from him to twiddle the controls. Just when he was about to ask if she would take him back or not, she said quietly to the air in front of her.
“...It's for Kurt, isn't it?”
Pretty shocked at how much she hit the nail on the head, Todd squirmed in his seat.
“Well... yeah. How'd you know?”
Kitty giggled in her trademark girly way and glanced back at him with a face very much like the ten year younger one he remembered mostly with a frown. But this time it was completely friendly and even a little teasing.
“Oh please, the mansion is, like, gossip central. Ever since Scott caught you two making out on the front steps, we've all just been waiting for something like this.”
Todd felt his mouth fall open and shut it again when he realized he had no idea how to respond to that. It seemed his talent for snappy comebacks had completely died on him. Then something else suddenly occurred to him.
“Wait... you mean... you're ok with it? With me joinin' you guys and all? “
Kitty was busy with turning the jet around and didn't even look at him.
“Sure... Why wouldn't we be? We're all freaks, kinda. I'm sure a little thing as a resident gay couple won't shake things up much.”
Todd felt his tongue do a few knots trying to gibber out a reply and hurriedly unfurled it again to avoid hurting himself.
“N-no, I mean... I'm The Toad. You really want me on your team?”
Slowly adjusting the reverse course, Kitty sighed and bit her lip before answering him, without really meeting his eyes.
“Look, I know we were nasty to you back in school, but times have changed. We're all older and we've lost so much already to this idiotic war, that we need all the friends we can get. And you've changed too. You really are the good good guy Kurt always knew you were. Plus, you bathe now. We'd all be glad to have you.”
She giggled again and winked at him.
“-Well ok, maybe not Scott, but he'll come around.”
Smiling, she turned back to watching the controls and Todd sunk into his seat with a feeling that his life was about to change radically... or that it already had and that he was close to the point of no return. And frankly... he was ok with it.
Onwards.
Title: Through the Fog.
Codes: X-men Evolution, Nightcrawler/Toad.
Part 18/19
Rating: Uh...I'll have to redo these, but for this chapter I think PG-13.
Warnings: Erm... heavy emotional contents?
Beta: None. Probably loads of weird errors and typos, but at least it's only myself who's to blame.
Feedback: Yes please. Even 'it sucks' would be appreciated.
Disclaimer: I don't own any green prehensile delights or fluffy goodness elfs. Or even the concepts thereof. *sigh* Not mine. At all. Oh I only wish.
Summary: Todd gets an unexpected visit from his past after 10 years, and the war moves in again.
Chapter 18.
The packing of Todd's small bag was conducted in stony silence. Kurt teleported Todd to his room and then just leaned on the windowsill and studied the carpet. Todd tried not to look at Kurt while throwing his clothes carelessly into the bag, but his eyes kept darting to his 'soon to be ex'-lover.
Todd really wanted to say something. But what did one say in situations like this? He had absolutely no clue. There were no questions to ask. No point in getting answers if you weren't planning on doing anything with them. There were probably things one should say, but Todd had no idea what those might be or what purpose they might have.
Maybe goodbye? Or maybe not. Maybe it would hurt less if he just left with no words. Or not. He already knew Kurt was hurting. It didn't exactly take a genius to figure it out. But somehow the thought of himself being the cause of that hurt made Todd sick to his stomach. But he was leaving. There was just no question. His mind was made up. He came to help, he had helped -even fucked up his brain in the process- and now the time had come to save his own neck. Period.
Kurt's shoulders shook for a second the next time Todd's eyes landed on him, but there were no tears and no sound at all from him. He just stood there, looking like he had decided the rest of the world didn't exist. And it hurt. Todd realized it with a start. It hurt. So fucking much that he could hardly stand it. He had failed. He had broken his own heart again. And this time he had broken someone else's too. That thought made it all a thousand times worse. When it was only his own heart breaking, he could always hate the world and blame everything and everyone for his misery. But this misery was completely self inflicted, and there was no doubt about how big an asshole he truly was, inflicting the pain on someone else. Not to mention someone completely undeserving of something like this.
He never should have started this. He gave in to stupid temptation and now he had to pay the price. Double price, really. Broken heart AND self loathing. Two for one special – going out of business sale. What the hell had he been thinking? He had been grasping at straws, that's what. Hoping for a taste of a normal life, when such a thing was pure idiocy to hope for... for him... for them. People like Todd and Kurt never had normal lives. Ever. Trying to have one had been self deception of the first degree.
Todd zipped his bag shut with venom. The sound of it was loud in the quiet room and Kurt looked up with eyes that were miles away. His face was empty. Blank. He wasn't even sad or angry. Just blank. And he asked like nothing made any difference:
“Ready to go?”
The otherwise melodic voice was flat, and Todd's mouth went dry. He had to clear his throat before he could reply:
“Hrrm... Yeah. Sure.”
Kurt walked slowly towards him and opened his arms. For one wild moment, Todd thought he wanted to say goodbye. To hug or maybe even kiss one last time. But the long, wiry arms only went around his waist laxly and before Todd really absorbed his feelings about it, the pressure and the weird smell was there, and then the jet was right in front of him, slowly starting up its engines.
Stepping a single step away from Todd and crossing his arms over his chest, Kurt looked tired. There was still no real emotion to be found on his face and it was quickly driving Todd crazy. He thought of trying for a goodbye of some sort, but no matter what he thought of, it all seemed either stupid or pointless. His hand lifted a little, maybe to reach out to Kurt, but as if it was an indicator of Todd's confused feelings, it lost heart half way and dropped back to hang limply by his side. Sighing, he gave up and decided to do like he always did. When something was bound to hurt, get it over with. Like a band aid. So, feeling like even more of an ass, he turned on his heel and dragged himself onto the jet without looking back.
Kitty was at the controls and she sent Todd a sympathetic smile as he sat down and fiddled with the buckles of the seatbelt. He didn't meet her eyes. Even when his world was collapsing on itself, he couldn't stand the pity. Especially since it was of his own doing.
Apparently starting up a jet wasn't exactly as simple as Todd would have thought. Either that, or Kitty wasn't all that great at it. In any case it took what seemed like ages before the thing was actually in the air. He buckled himself in and then made an extreme effort not to twiddle his thumbs or bite his nails for the next long minutes of startup procedure. It gave him entirely too much time to think about his situation, and before long, he just about wished that Baldie 'had' turned his brain to mush. At least, that way, he would have had a little peace and quiet in his skull.
As it was, the same thoughts kept chasing each other around in his mind. That this was by far the most idiotic thing he'd ever done. And that was quite something, considering his previous experiences. Also, he decided that this was just about the most miserable he'd ever felt, which in view of his upbringing was an even bigger feat. He really wished he could blame someone for his misery. That he could rant and scream at someone or something and maybe feel a little better. Making someone else feel like crap had always helped in the past when he was hurt. But now?
Fuzzy's pain seemed to make his own so much worse that he wondered if it would ever really go away. Comparing it to other low points in his life only brought home just how bad it was. His mother not recognizing him, in her fog of whatever she was high on the day he left home for good, had been really bad. The day the Brotherhood had kicked him out had been even worse. But this day took the cake. And one of the really horrible things about it was that he wasn't even sure why. Why should this be so much worse? He wasn't beaten to a pulp or starved like the first days on his own, not freezing and hurting in his own back yard like he was ten years ago. He was sitting in a comfortable seat on a warm jet plane, about to take him to safety.
But just imagining a certain blank face in his mind was enough to make his stomach clench and his mouth dry out. He cursed his life for not preparing him for stuff like this. Feelings and crap. His life had only really taught him how to survive and try to have some occasional fun, but not how to actually live. He'd known all his life that he'd never get the white picket fence, the fat wife and the truckload of kids. But he had still -somewhere deep down- hoped for some kind of life for himself. Somehow. Someday.
The jet was finally getting airborne, so Todd snapped out of his musings and leaned closer to the window in an attempt at getting one last glimpse at the place that held the reason for his torment. Kitty didn't talk and only glanced at him over her shoulder occasionally, while leaving him to his thoughts. He was grateful that she would actually show him that much consideration. Somewhat against his will, he admitted that she was ok. Even if she had a been a complete pain in the ass when she was dating Lance.
Come to think of it, most of the X-Geeks were basically good people. Somewhat idiotic and way too kindhearted for their own good... but good people. Scott was a true and utter bastard who would probably hate him for the rest of his days, but even when straining his tired brain, Todd couldn't think of a single other person from the mansion with a genuine reason to hate him apart from his horrible smell back in the day. That realization made him simultaneously happy and nauseas. Not to mention the sudden flood of “what ifs” that stormed his brain in a rush.
For one dizzying moment, he allowed himself to consider the mere possibility of staying at the mansion. Not taking into account the obvious benefits of greatly improved living standards, there was Fuzzy. Forcefully shoving Kurt's face aside in his mind, Todd weighed the pro's and con's. He would probably have to join the team and fight a fight he had never considered his own. He would even have to make a real attempt at a permanent attitude adjustment, not to mention some serious anger management when dealing with Scott.
But even with those rather dismal prospects for the future, the rewards dangled tantalizingly in front of his face, suddenly making it feel like a fair bargain. He would have a chance to start afresh, make some friends and... he couldn't escape it anymore; the image of Kurt forced its way back to the front of his mind. And the thought that the blank look on his face could be reversed back to that glowing look of happiness he'd had the sunny autumn day in the mansion grounds, when everything had felt just right, was just too much.
With shocking force, Todd's heart jumped in his chest and a ridiculous amount of hope blossomed, making him almost dizzy with all the possibilities opening up to him. All of them involving Kurt in some way. And that's the moment where he finally realized that he had done it again. Given his heart away. Definitely, completely, crazily given it away to a furry freak, who probably gave him more love than he ever deserved... and for some odd reason was likely still willing to give him even more.
His chance for happiness was right in front of him. All he had to do was swallow his pride and reach for it. All right, then. Nobody could ever accuse The Toad of being a coward at crunch time. When the going got tough, The Toad would step up to the fight. Even if the fight was mostly for his own sanity and future life. Determined, he swallowed the mouthful of cotton that had suddenly appeared and leaned forward to tap Kitty on her shoulder.
“Hey.. Kitty Cat. Turn this thing around. I gotta go back.”
Glancing over her shoulder, Kitty gave him a piercing look.
“Back? What for?”
Todd shoved his pride far down and simply met her questioning eyes.
“I need to talk to Baldie.”
Kitty smiled wryly and quirked an eyebrow at him.
“For your information, this is the X-jet, not a taxi. And the phone has been invented, you know.”
The temptation to snap back was great, but he mentally kicked himself in the ass before he replied:
“I know... I just... gotta go back.”
She shrugged and turned away from him to twiddle the controls. Just when he was about to ask if she would take him back or not, she said quietly to the air in front of her.
“...It's for Kurt, isn't it?”
Pretty shocked at how much she hit the nail on the head, Todd squirmed in his seat.
“Well... yeah. How'd you know?”
Kitty giggled in her trademark girly way and glanced back at him with a face very much like the ten year younger one he remembered mostly with a frown. But this time it was completely friendly and even a little teasing.
“Oh please, the mansion is, like, gossip central. Ever since Scott caught you two making out on the front steps, we've all just been waiting for something like this.”
Todd felt his mouth fall open and shut it again when he realized he had no idea how to respond to that. It seemed his talent for snappy comebacks had completely died on him. Then something else suddenly occurred to him.
“Wait... you mean... you're ok with it? With me joinin' you guys and all? “
Kitty was busy with turning the jet around and didn't even look at him.
“Sure... Why wouldn't we be? We're all freaks, kinda. I'm sure a little thing as a resident gay couple won't shake things up much.”
Todd felt his tongue do a few knots trying to gibber out a reply and hurriedly unfurled it again to avoid hurting himself.
“N-no, I mean... I'm The Toad. You really want me on your team?”
Slowly adjusting the reverse course, Kitty sighed and bit her lip before answering him, without really meeting his eyes.
“Look, I know we were nasty to you back in school, but times have changed. We're all older and we've lost so much already to this idiotic war, that we need all the friends we can get. And you've changed too. You really are the good good guy Kurt always knew you were. Plus, you bathe now. We'd all be glad to have you.”
She giggled again and winked at him.
“-Well ok, maybe not Scott, but he'll come around.”
Smiling, she turned back to watching the controls and Todd sunk into his seat with a feeling that his life was about to change radically... or that it already had and that he was close to the point of no return. And frankly... he was ok with it.
Onwards.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-09-22 04:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-22 08:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-22 06:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-22 08:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-22 10:20 pm (UTC)