Woah.

[ladydrace]

You never know exactly how much crap you own, until you need to go through it all. *gulp*

At least I've been better at trimming my book collection. Hubby has got maybe three times the books I do. 

Oh and, I'm going to stop f-locking again, since it's now been made official both on Facebook and in general that we're getting a divorce.

Which begs the question... what do I call him now? Currently, he's still hubby, but when we move I'll have to think of something else. "The ex" carries something negative, even though in his case it would be true. He will be THE ex. The only one I ever had. Maybe I'll just follow the example of many others and use his letter. B. Don't know many people with B names.

And another funny note. Hubby/B has been much more attentive to his looks these past few days. Methinks he's trying to impress someone, and it sure isn't me. The other woman is finally calming down and realising that it's not her fault, and she and Hubby/B have been chatting and texting a lot. So maybe they're going to be something after all. But! She's a LOT younger than him, so I kinda suspect that he's making an effort to seem younger. Personally, I find it hilarious.

Which makes me wonder just how this is all affecting me. Am I holding off my grief until I can be by myself, or is it really this easy? We're joking and talking like we always have and I feel only a tiny sting when I think of the permanent goodbye soon to come. I'm excited about getting my own place and I haven't taken a benzo since Thursday.

It might just be my escapist nature getting a kick out of finally being allowed to run away from it all. But if it is, I'll shamelessly use the high it's giving me to get this process over with smoothly.

And honestly, I cannot WAIT until it's hubby's turn to be alone with Pea. Completely alone, like I have been a lot lately. I feel kinda mean for thinking "welcome to my world!" but considering his recent fuck-ups I'll allow myself this small pleasure. And also, I'm so absurdly excited for getting some real free time for myself. I'm even considering trying to go out to dance. I haven't done that since my anxiety issues got worse. But damn, I miss it.

Comments

[lovefan81.livejournal.com]

Wow, you actually sound pretty "happy"! And maybe the separation was just what you needed, don't get me wrong, it's horrible you have to go through this but you sound really calm and collected and relieved, maybe that's because all those worries dragged you down before and now that everything's resolved you can finally breath again.

Wish you all the best! Keep us posted!

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

Will do. And yeah, I do feel happy in a way, although it really is quite sad.

[silkmoth101.livejournal.com]

Huh. It really sounds like you've been aching on the inside about something that wasn't okay in your relationship. Even if you never will know what it was... your psyche and body seem to take a deep, healing breath right now. I hope it will continue and just get better and better! *squishes you*

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, fingers crossed that this is the beginning of a brighter period of my life.

[inne-ic.livejournal.com]

It sounds to me like this is a really good thing for you. You sound happy! Maybe there are tough days to come, but don't worry about that now - just enjoy how you feel right now! *HUGS*

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

We'll take the bad with the good... or one day at a time. :o)

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

Hmm, it might actually be good for B and Pea's relationship for him to really be in charge a few days at a time. With another willing parent around, it might have been easier for him to avoid the scary bits of learning to parent.

Yes, enjoy. Grief will come when it does. Don't feel guilty if it's not there now.

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I agree. Actually it seems he's both willing and able when I'm really not around. He's been super dad these past few days, so I really think he'll come through nicely. :o)

[cicerothewriter.livejournal.com]

I'm glad to hear that it is all working out. Maybe it really is that easy, or not, or something in between. I'm not sure. *hugs*

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

If it turns out to be horrid, we'll manage that hurdle when we get there. *hugs*

[ex_mrs260625]

I've thought for awhile that it sounded like you really needed a good, solid break from Pea, time truly to yourself. Among other things, it sounds like this will start providing that for you, when Pea is with his father. As someone else said, it will probably also be good for their relationship with each other.

You might feel some grief later, but you might not. It really sounds like this was the best, healthiest decision for you.

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

I do need a break. A real one. One where whoever has him won't expect me to be on hand. Where I can turn off my phone and sleep an entire day if I need or want to.

God, I need that SO badly.

If the grief comes, I'll deal with it then.

[blossommorphine.livejournal.com]

I'm glad to hear you are happy, dear. That's all I wanted for you. That the whole thing is amicable suggests this is exactly what was needed. And like others said here, B spending time with Pea is a very good idea; it will allow you time for yourself, and B can bond with Pea.

Make sure to keep us updated on the apartment hunting!

♥

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

Will do. Got on the waiting list today and I hope to hear back from them in the next few days about where we are on the waiting list. Shouldn't take too long. A few months maybe.

♥

[lonespark.livejournal.com]

Hmmm. I don't know, I think when something you try to avoid or at least partly fear actually happens, I think it's a big relief. And since I've been in your husband's shoes as far as the infidelity goes, I have experienced the incredible freedom of not trying to hide and try to lie convincingly. And the pressure of not wanting to disappoint the other person or look good to them is kind of off, so you can be more free to talk. The one time we were seriously planning to get divorced I got all excited about having my own place and some time to myself without the kid.

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

You're probably right. But no matter what, it IS going to hurt really badly when we do say goodbye.

[lonespark.livejournal.com]

Oh, no doubt. A better case scenario is that it will be more sad than really...shattering? Any way it works out there are going to be roads not taken that could have had a lot of good, and bad, and just piled up experience/memories...

I should probably just stop talking since I don't really know what I am talking about. But I am thinking good thoughts for all of you.

[ahavia.livejournal.com]

Ah, my dear, this is still sad. I have faith in you, that you will take care of yourself. And I pray that you and B will always be there for Pea, and be a support to each other in parenting him. You deserve to be happy. To have yourself living in a good foundation of self respect. So you can be there for yourself and for Pea. I hope you and B will always stay friends.
Much hugs, Ahavia

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

Thank you. And yes, it is sad. I really had planned to spend the rest of my life with B, but I guess it was not meant to be that way.

But at least when we move we'll still be living close together, so Pea will see us both a lot.

After all, we ended up choosing this for Pea's sake. Staying together for the children's sake only is never a good idea. Children can sense when things are off and we would probably end up hating each other. Then I'd rather part amicably before we get there.

*hugs*

[nyxelestia.livejournal.com]

It really pisses me off, this automatic assumption that divorces have to be bad, horrible evens in your life that you do nothing but mourn over.

Answer: YES, it can be that easy. And, as a lot of people are prone to doing, please don't try to make it complicated. Just take it as an easy ride and go with it, and don't let any nutcases tell you you're supposed to mourn. :)