Musings on kids and gender.
Apr. 19th, 2011 06:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ladydraceThere is an annoying trend in children's stores these days. If you come into a shop looking for something particular and need to ask an assistant or something, you immediately get the question: "Boy or girl?" I can sort of see how it would be relevant, but it still bothers me. Especially because everything is now divided into boy and girl sections. But what if my 5 year old niece wants a shirt with Spiderman on it? I'll have to go to the boy's section. Or if my son's favorite color turns out to be red? I'll have to go to the girl's section. This disgusts me. And don't even get me started on the toys. My god, I could rant about this for hours.
Instead, I think I'll just offer my opinion on kids and gender.
Simply put, I think kids should be allowed to express themselves in any way they bloody well choose. If they want to play with cars or dolls, I'm fine either way and I won't panic if Pea decides in a few years that he wants to be dressed as a princess for Halloween or whatever. It doesn't make him any less a boy.
Quite by chance, it turns out Pea is a very traditionally "boy-ish" boy. He loves cars, speed, noise, dirt and wild games. However, even as stereotypical as he is, he is just as eager as all the other kids at daycare to play with the high heeled shoes and tutus and handbags. They are a major hit with all the kids equally. And even when he decides that the pink dress is the best thing ever, he is still a boy. I would never tell him he cannot do this or that "because it's a girl thing". Or that he should do so and so, because "that's what boys do".
When I was a little girl, cars were excellent. I still have a few toy cars from when I was a kid. I played "pirate" or went dumpster diving with the older boys, even though my mother told me repeatedly that I wasn't allowed. Normally, I was almost too obedient, but certain boyish activities proved too tempting to ignore. And I was still a girl. No gender crisis, ever.
I feel so sorry for the children who grow up being told they have to fit into this or that box. And I include any box in this. Boy/girl, smart/stupid, bookish/practical. However, I also find it problematic if you don't give the kids any guidelines at all. Pea needs to know he is a boy. How he chooses to define his life and interests should not be restricted, but no matter how we flip it, biology has so far dictated that he is a boy. Some parents are so eager to avoid the "boxing in" that they end up making their kids confused. If you keep putting your boy in dresses or if you keep giving your daughter cars instead of dolls, regardless of what the kids wants, then I think it's just as bad.
I think what I'm really going for here is that I want my child to be able to make an informed decision. I will give him the freedom to choose his preferences, but I also want to guide him. Example: When Pea grows up, he will (most likely, anyway) be a man. A father (hopefully). Maybe a brother. And I tell him this. I call him "my little man". "Son". "My beautiful boy." because that's what he is. A boy. If he suddenly tells me one day that he'd rather be a girl, I'll let him wear dresses or whatever he wants for a while and consider it a phase. If he does it for years on end, I will start considering if the biology fucked up and made him something physically, which mentally he is not. I'm not saying I will let my son have a sex change. Quite frankly, I refuse to make a choice like that for him. If he wants to go through the whole shebang when he's 21, I'll back him all the way. But it is still something he should choose for himself.
So it boils down to this:
As long as my son is looking to me to define his reality, I will tell him he's a boy. But I will also tell him that just because he's a boy, it doesn't mean he can't wear the pink tutu.
Instead, I think I'll just offer my opinion on kids and gender.
Simply put, I think kids should be allowed to express themselves in any way they bloody well choose. If they want to play with cars or dolls, I'm fine either way and I won't panic if Pea decides in a few years that he wants to be dressed as a princess for Halloween or whatever. It doesn't make him any less a boy.
Quite by chance, it turns out Pea is a very traditionally "boy-ish" boy. He loves cars, speed, noise, dirt and wild games. However, even as stereotypical as he is, he is just as eager as all the other kids at daycare to play with the high heeled shoes and tutus and handbags. They are a major hit with all the kids equally. And even when he decides that the pink dress is the best thing ever, he is still a boy. I would never tell him he cannot do this or that "because it's a girl thing". Or that he should do so and so, because "that's what boys do".
When I was a little girl, cars were excellent. I still have a few toy cars from when I was a kid. I played "pirate" or went dumpster diving with the older boys, even though my mother told me repeatedly that I wasn't allowed. Normally, I was almost too obedient, but certain boyish activities proved too tempting to ignore. And I was still a girl. No gender crisis, ever.
I feel so sorry for the children who grow up being told they have to fit into this or that box. And I include any box in this. Boy/girl, smart/stupid, bookish/practical. However, I also find it problematic if you don't give the kids any guidelines at all. Pea needs to know he is a boy. How he chooses to define his life and interests should not be restricted, but no matter how we flip it, biology has so far dictated that he is a boy. Some parents are so eager to avoid the "boxing in" that they end up making their kids confused. If you keep putting your boy in dresses or if you keep giving your daughter cars instead of dolls, regardless of what the kids wants, then I think it's just as bad.
I think what I'm really going for here is that I want my child to be able to make an informed decision. I will give him the freedom to choose his preferences, but I also want to guide him. Example: When Pea grows up, he will (most likely, anyway) be a man. A father (hopefully). Maybe a brother. And I tell him this. I call him "my little man". "Son". "My beautiful boy." because that's what he is. A boy. If he suddenly tells me one day that he'd rather be a girl, I'll let him wear dresses or whatever he wants for a while and consider it a phase. If he does it for years on end, I will start considering if the biology fucked up and made him something physically, which mentally he is not. I'm not saying I will let my son have a sex change. Quite frankly, I refuse to make a choice like that for him. If he wants to go through the whole shebang when he's 21, I'll back him all the way. But it is still something he should choose for himself.
So it boils down to this:
As long as my son is looking to me to define his reality, I will tell him he's a boy. But I will also tell him that just because he's a boy, it doesn't mean he can't wear the pink tutu.
no subject
Date: 2011-04-20 01:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-20 06:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-02 12:12 am (UTC)...don't these two statements contradict each other?
no subject
Date: 2011-05-03 09:01 pm (UTC)But what I meant was that as long as my son isn't of age and he needs my signature for a sex change I probably won't let him, because I consider that kind of decision too big for a child to make. When he is an adult and can decide without being clouded by shitloads of hormones I'll gladly back him all the way.