Gender neutral parenting.
Mar. 1st, 2012 01:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ladydraceSomething has been bothering me lately.
This might be an unpopular opinion, at least in some of the internet circles I frequent. But this in not a set opinion, just me pondering. So feel free to offer other opinions or opposing points of view.
Some of you may remember Storm, the child whose gender was kept secret by its parents? Or maybe Sasha, who was only revealed to be a boy at age 5.
The idea is to give your child choice. And I am all for that. In my own upbringing I was never told by my parents that anything was exclusively for boys or girls. I played with Barbie dolls one moment and cars the next. It wasn't made a big deal out of. I was lucky.
While the idea is commendable, I'm having a really hard time seeing how actually pulling off giving your child a real choice is possible. Can you make a choice that young, while understanding the implications of such a choice at all? Choosing toys or clothes is a fairly simple process and I am 100% behind letting your kid express itself however it wants. But what worries me is that children are little sponges that pick up on even tiny things. Even when you struggle to remain neutral, nobody can ever completely avoid giving off signs of opinion. Every person a child comes into contact with rubs off, however minutely, so unless you keep your kid in a box, you'll never be able to completely avoid being exposed to gender opinions.
The thing is, there are reasons for wanting your child to have the ultimate choice. It could be politics, idealism or just wanting your child to have choices you never had. Now, imagine you were stuffed into frilly dresses your whole childhood, while you would really rather play with trucks... can you say with 100% certainty that watching your son go against the grain, like you never could, and pick out something frilly, or your daughter choosing a truck over a doll won't affect you emotionally? Can you say for sure that you don't heave a little sigh of relief, because your kids seem educated or free enough to choose their preference, rather than what they feel is expected of them?
While this is natural and to be expected, I find it a little naïve to hope that your kids will never pick up on this. Some never do, luckily, but others will. And do you know for sure that your child isn't that super sensitive one, who just wants to make mommy happy, whatever it takes?
Because that takes the choice to another level. The choice is no longer about personal preference, but about what is expected (or hoped for, which is a very difficult concept to separate, especially for small children).
I think what I'm getting at here are self-fulfilling prophecies. Can you say for sure that your child isn't developing in a certain direction because that's what you hoped for?
While it may sound good, it does take the choice away from the kid again. See what I mean?
I understand why you would want to avoid stereotyping. But I also feel that giving no direction at all is equally extreme. Everything is about extremes these days. Girls must be all pink, boys must be all muddy and if you want to avoid that you need to be completely empty of gender. I don't like that. There seems to be no middle ground.
I could never raise my child neutrally. And neither would I really want to. But just because my child is a boy, that doesn't mean I dictate his preferences. I try my best to show him what his options are and educate him on choices that are too big for him to make yet.
I'm pretty sure that parents who raise gender neutral children will reply that "this is exactly what we're doing", but I'm not so sure it's having the effect they're really hoping for. Whatever that might be. Changing the world, maybe? Because if that is the case, I would much prefer they didn't make their kids a political statement. Kids should be kids. Not symbols.
Thoughts, questions, comments? All is welcome.
This might be an unpopular opinion, at least in some of the internet circles I frequent. But this in not a set opinion, just me pondering. So feel free to offer other opinions or opposing points of view.
Some of you may remember Storm, the child whose gender was kept secret by its parents? Or maybe Sasha, who was only revealed to be a boy at age 5.
The idea is to give your child choice. And I am all for that. In my own upbringing I was never told by my parents that anything was exclusively for boys or girls. I played with Barbie dolls one moment and cars the next. It wasn't made a big deal out of. I was lucky.
While the idea is commendable, I'm having a really hard time seeing how actually pulling off giving your child a real choice is possible. Can you make a choice that young, while understanding the implications of such a choice at all? Choosing toys or clothes is a fairly simple process and I am 100% behind letting your kid express itself however it wants. But what worries me is that children are little sponges that pick up on even tiny things. Even when you struggle to remain neutral, nobody can ever completely avoid giving off signs of opinion. Every person a child comes into contact with rubs off, however minutely, so unless you keep your kid in a box, you'll never be able to completely avoid being exposed to gender opinions.
The thing is, there are reasons for wanting your child to have the ultimate choice. It could be politics, idealism or just wanting your child to have choices you never had. Now, imagine you were stuffed into frilly dresses your whole childhood, while you would really rather play with trucks... can you say with 100% certainty that watching your son go against the grain, like you never could, and pick out something frilly, or your daughter choosing a truck over a doll won't affect you emotionally? Can you say for sure that you don't heave a little sigh of relief, because your kids seem educated or free enough to choose their preference, rather than what they feel is expected of them?
While this is natural and to be expected, I find it a little naïve to hope that your kids will never pick up on this. Some never do, luckily, but others will. And do you know for sure that your child isn't that super sensitive one, who just wants to make mommy happy, whatever it takes?
Because that takes the choice to another level. The choice is no longer about personal preference, but about what is expected (or hoped for, which is a very difficult concept to separate, especially for small children).
I think what I'm getting at here are self-fulfilling prophecies. Can you say for sure that your child isn't developing in a certain direction because that's what you hoped for?
While it may sound good, it does take the choice away from the kid again. See what I mean?
I understand why you would want to avoid stereotyping. But I also feel that giving no direction at all is equally extreme. Everything is about extremes these days. Girls must be all pink, boys must be all muddy and if you want to avoid that you need to be completely empty of gender. I don't like that. There seems to be no middle ground.
I could never raise my child neutrally. And neither would I really want to. But just because my child is a boy, that doesn't mean I dictate his preferences. I try my best to show him what his options are and educate him on choices that are too big for him to make yet.
I'm pretty sure that parents who raise gender neutral children will reply that "this is exactly what we're doing", but I'm not so sure it's having the effect they're really hoping for. Whatever that might be. Changing the world, maybe? Because if that is the case, I would much prefer they didn't make their kids a political statement. Kids should be kids. Not symbols.
Thoughts, questions, comments? All is welcome.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-03 06:40 am (UTC)When son was little I gave him a doll, I was very PC then. He used it to bang at things with. Later daughter got a doll as well. She cuddled it.
It's a different beef though trying to educate your kids and help them with their choices, and try to not enhance the gender stereotypes.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-03 12:17 pm (UTC)But this is where I'm afraid I would be flamed. Because I do avoid pink things, since he's not yet old enough to ask for them. He does ask about purple, so we buy a lot of that, but it's a complicated issue. First of all, I know from my nephew (who gets confused for a girl a lot) that it can be hurtful being confused for something you're not. And it's also a practical issue, because even when I label everything, pink things get lost at daycare, because everyone assumes that it can't belong to a boy.
However, should he decide tomorrow that pink is his new favorite color, I will gladly go find him some pink stuff.
But while waiting for him to tell me what he likes, I will use my own discretion and try not to push something on him.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-03 01:05 pm (UTC)You know, about a hundred years ago- pink was the colour for boys and dark blue for girls. Pink was so lively, blue somber and matching the less active girls. That changed just after WW2.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-03 01:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-04 06:26 pm (UTC)