Some self-discovery.
Apr. 26th, 2013 10:17 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ladydraceGoing through all of this with Pea has taught me one thing about myself that I never knew.
I need to be needed.
I was aware before this that I like to be needed. Nothing made me happier as a kid than when my mom told people how good I was at helping around the house or reminding her to take her meds and stuff like that. I felt so good making sure B had clean clothes and hot meals. And I never felt like a more accomplished parent than when Pea was tiny and everything was a simple matter of food, diaper or sleep.
But after the divorce, during the slump where my mom was far away, B didn't need me anymore and Pea seemed to much better with anyone other than me... that was a low point.
Now? Pea has a diagnosis which makes me absolutely convinced that as much as other people might be able to offer him more professional treatment, what he needs is his mom. And I feel so goddamn good about being needed. Really needed.
I have a depressing theory that it's because deep down I feel like I don't deserve decent care, but everyone else does. So doing something just for my own sake never really feels worthwhile, but as soon as it's someone else's needs on the table, it's suddenly important.
This is all very sad, but considering how much time I've spent in therapy with no progress on this, I'd much rather focus on using it. Keeping myself needed keeps me going. Keeping myself going builds my confidence and gives me all these little victories I haven't had for way too long. Maybe some day I'll feel that doing things for myself matters. But until that day comes I will shamelessly use others as motivation to get shit done.
I need to be needed.
I was aware before this that I like to be needed. Nothing made me happier as a kid than when my mom told people how good I was at helping around the house or reminding her to take her meds and stuff like that. I felt so good making sure B had clean clothes and hot meals. And I never felt like a more accomplished parent than when Pea was tiny and everything was a simple matter of food, diaper or sleep.
But after the divorce, during the slump where my mom was far away, B didn't need me anymore and Pea seemed to much better with anyone other than me... that was a low point.
Now? Pea has a diagnosis which makes me absolutely convinced that as much as other people might be able to offer him more professional treatment, what he needs is his mom. And I feel so goddamn good about being needed. Really needed.
I have a depressing theory that it's because deep down I feel like I don't deserve decent care, but everyone else does. So doing something just for my own sake never really feels worthwhile, but as soon as it's someone else's needs on the table, it's suddenly important.
This is all very sad, but considering how much time I've spent in therapy with no progress on this, I'd much rather focus on using it. Keeping myself needed keeps me going. Keeping myself going builds my confidence and gives me all these little victories I haven't had for way too long. Maybe some day I'll feel that doing things for myself matters. But until that day comes I will shamelessly use others as motivation to get shit done.
