Game over, take 2.
May. 25th, 2013 07:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ladydraceSo we had a meeting with the new county yesterday, and we did not get the answer we were hoping for. Or that I was hoping for anyway. Not sure where B stands these days.
This county also recommends foster care, but for a different reason, and this time I don't know how to fight it.
Before, it was a matter of B and I being too challenged as parents to handle issues like Pea's on top of it. So I've been struggling to prove that I'm a capable parent, without B in the equation. But this new county doesn't actually see any issue with my (or even B's) parenting skills. Nothing that can't be fixed anyway. But the thing is that even if both B and I were ordinary people, this county would still recommend foster care.
Pea's issues are quite severe. I'm aware of this, but he's my only child. I've never seen other kids on a daily basis. I have no base of comparison for exactly how demanding he is. Plus, I have a natural special connection to him because I'm his mother. With me he's a sweet, bouncy 4 year old who is sometimes very frustrated and needs me around quite a lot. But out there in the world is another story.
His daycare and the psychiatrist who diagnosed him agree that he's extremely difficult to communicate with. Little to no eye contact, very little desire to interact, tendency to close off and his first reaction to anything stressful is to become violent. I've read the reports, I already knew this. But since I assumed it could be handled with help at home and firm efforts at daycare I didn't give it much thought.
But from the county's side, what they see is a child who needs 24 hour treatment. They never get to see the kid I see at home. And while I would love to think that it's enough, I can't keep him at home forever. I wish I could. But he'll need school at some point. He'll need to be able to be around other people. And I cannot teach him that.
I still think I could manage fine if they'd let me, and if they'd let Pea develop at his own pace. But the way our society is built up, there's just no room for that. In theory I could probably learn how to prepare Pea for the world better, but everything goes to fast at his age, and while I learn, Pea grows up.
And then of course there's the fact that we in reality have no choice but to accept. If we say no we'll be going to court. And if we lose (which considering everything is a HUGE risk) we will lose Pea immediately. This is the law. At least this way we'll be able to lessen the trauma of the move and we'll get to see him, which is no guarantee after a court verdict. And I'm just not willing to gamble with Pea like that.
Especially since I'm not psychic. I can't know if I'll get another depression later or if Pea's autism will develop into something I can't manage. And going through this while we're all okay is hard enough. Doing so while we're all struggling? I don't want to put him through that. At least this way Pea might grow up thinking mommy is nice and fun and not someone who's always worried and tired. No matter how much I love him, it's hard work, and he knows it.
And if he develops the right way, the county keeps saying we can get him back home. I don't really dare assume this, though. That kind of hope will turn me into a bitter, bitter old woman as the years go by and he's still not coming home. I'd much rather assume this is the reality we have to deal with and then be pleasantly surprised if it turns out he can come home later on.
Basically... I see no way to fight this without risking more than I'm willing to bet. So I guess it's time to fold them.
I'm actually more calm about this than I thought I'd be. Maybe because I did fight for it. I didn't just lie down and take this. I'm still making it clear through all of this that I don't agree with them, but that I'm doing it for Pea. And Jesus fuck, I hope I'm doing the right thing by accepting this.
This county also recommends foster care, but for a different reason, and this time I don't know how to fight it.
Before, it was a matter of B and I being too challenged as parents to handle issues like Pea's on top of it. So I've been struggling to prove that I'm a capable parent, without B in the equation. But this new county doesn't actually see any issue with my (or even B's) parenting skills. Nothing that can't be fixed anyway. But the thing is that even if both B and I were ordinary people, this county would still recommend foster care.
Pea's issues are quite severe. I'm aware of this, but he's my only child. I've never seen other kids on a daily basis. I have no base of comparison for exactly how demanding he is. Plus, I have a natural special connection to him because I'm his mother. With me he's a sweet, bouncy 4 year old who is sometimes very frustrated and needs me around quite a lot. But out there in the world is another story.
His daycare and the psychiatrist who diagnosed him agree that he's extremely difficult to communicate with. Little to no eye contact, very little desire to interact, tendency to close off and his first reaction to anything stressful is to become violent. I've read the reports, I already knew this. But since I assumed it could be handled with help at home and firm efforts at daycare I didn't give it much thought.
But from the county's side, what they see is a child who needs 24 hour treatment. They never get to see the kid I see at home. And while I would love to think that it's enough, I can't keep him at home forever. I wish I could. But he'll need school at some point. He'll need to be able to be around other people. And I cannot teach him that.
I still think I could manage fine if they'd let me, and if they'd let Pea develop at his own pace. But the way our society is built up, there's just no room for that. In theory I could probably learn how to prepare Pea for the world better, but everything goes to fast at his age, and while I learn, Pea grows up.
And then of course there's the fact that we in reality have no choice but to accept. If we say no we'll be going to court. And if we lose (which considering everything is a HUGE risk) we will lose Pea immediately. This is the law. At least this way we'll be able to lessen the trauma of the move and we'll get to see him, which is no guarantee after a court verdict. And I'm just not willing to gamble with Pea like that.
Especially since I'm not psychic. I can't know if I'll get another depression later or if Pea's autism will develop into something I can't manage. And going through this while we're all okay is hard enough. Doing so while we're all struggling? I don't want to put him through that. At least this way Pea might grow up thinking mommy is nice and fun and not someone who's always worried and tired. No matter how much I love him, it's hard work, and he knows it.
And if he develops the right way, the county keeps saying we can get him back home. I don't really dare assume this, though. That kind of hope will turn me into a bitter, bitter old woman as the years go by and he's still not coming home. I'd much rather assume this is the reality we have to deal with and then be pleasantly surprised if it turns out he can come home later on.
Basically... I see no way to fight this without risking more than I'm willing to bet. So I guess it's time to fold them.
I'm actually more calm about this than I thought I'd be. Maybe because I did fight for it. I didn't just lie down and take this. I'm still making it clear through all of this that I don't agree with them, but that I'm doing it for Pea. And Jesus fuck, I hope I'm doing the right thing by accepting this.
