ladydrace: (Default)
[personal profile] ladydrace
Okay, this is a tough subject.

I'm considering a gastric bypass. 

I've been hugely against it, because first of all, people do actually die from this surgery (not many, but it does happen), and secondly, you're gonna have to be checked for vitamin deficiencies and other things pretty much for the rest of your life. And on top of that, it might lose its effect in time. A good example is my uncle who had one eight years or so ago, and he's just about as fat now as he was before the surgery. So yeah. Results not guaranteed.

But, at this point, it's starting to look like the lesser of two evils.

My BMI is 64. I know BMI is a flawed method, but at this level it's a pretty simple way of depicting how fat I am. I'm starting to struggle with finding clothes. Even in the plus size ranges I'm at the very top now. It's getting scary. And expensive.


But these are all fairly minor concerns compared to what my body is telling me.

I'm actually in really good health on paper. My blood work is pristine, my blood pressure is good, I don't have diabetes (I get checked almost every single time I go to the doc, so I know this for a fact) but... my joints are becoming an issue. My one knee is giving me severe pains, and my back is starting to hurt as soon as I take more than a few steps. And the only thing that seems to alleviate it is to sit down. Which is pretty much the worst thing you can do to your health, apparently. I get oedemas in my legs from the stress on my body, and that in turn makes blood supply to my legs an issue. Which also gets worse from sitting down.

Thing is, though... pretty much every single person I've heard of who has gotten this operation has had awful history with dieting. I haven't. I've never really bothered. A couple of times in my teens, sure, but they were brief and unimportant in the greater scope of things.

What I do have is a completely inability to limit my intake of food. Not only do I comfort eat, but the stimming demanded by my autism is also eating. The sensations of chewing and swallowing is apprently the main thing that soothes my anxiety. I've tried solving that problem with chewing gum or chewy jewelry, but so far no luck.

One thing that does help is not being alone. In my experience, having someone else there, even my 6 year old son, is enough to remind me that I shouldn't be eating right now, there's other stuff to be done. But when I'm alone all I do is eat. And I'm alone 99% of the time. And there's nothing I can do about that right now.

The thought of actually changing my diet or my lifestyle in general causes me so much anxiety that I'm on the verge of fucking tears just from typing this. I'm not stupid. Thanks to the "helpful" advice of every single person I've ever met plus the ever-present media, as well as my own inquisitive mind, I know probably more about healthy eating than most lifestyle gurus. So it's not like I don't know what needs to happen. But actually doing it? It's fucking terrifying. 

I'm barely keeping it together as it is, and if I'm gonna undertake something like this, I'll probably have to stop trying to work, because managing the anxiety of a change this huge is gonna take so much energy and support I can barely imagine it. 

The info online tells me I'll need to lose weight before any surgery because of the liver, and even that is gonna take an absurd amount of energy if it's gonna happen. Hell, I don't even know how I'm supposed to manage that. Shit, just typing this post was tiring as fuck. 

But, on the other hand, if such a sugery is going to have the best possibility fof being successful, it should probably be done now, while I'm in good health, BEFORE anything nasty pops up. And if I do go through with it, I will be physically unable to stim via food, and while it sounds like hell on earth, it will probably help me find other ways of stimming. Hopefully something that'll keep working in the long run. Because I'm really having trouble seeing other options. :(
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Lady Drace

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