ladydrace: (Do they have a name for what's wrong wit)
 I think I got a taste today of how it feels to be an alien. And I don't mean that in a bad way, necessarily. Mostly just complex.

See, I've only known about my autism for a little under two years now, but I've always known there was something "off" about me, compared to others. But it has never been seen as a good thing. Only always being cause for scorn or ridicule. 

But lately I've been seeing a... well an expert of a sort, in regards to autism and such. And today while I was explaining some of the ways I viewed people around me, she got really excited and happy, because she'd never heard it put quite like that before. She made notes furiously, and when I joked that maybe I should just write a book about it, she got downright giddy and told me she'd definitely buy it. 

And because I'm forever and always a shipper first, this made me think of Garak and Bashir. Because all else aside, how flattering must it have been for Garak to talk to someone like Bashir? Someone who finds him fascinating and awesome, even if mostly because of how different he is to humans, and a little less because of who he actually is? When all Garak knows is suspicion from most of his fellow Cardassians, and outright hatred from Bajorans. 

See, I can relate to that. Because I get so little enthusiasm in regards to who I am. Pretty much the only affirmation I get is when I produce something (writing) or do favors for someone (like do stuff for my mom). I think the only one who seems to love me pretty much for no reason is my son.

So I relate to Garak in that way at least. (Not so much the genocide and intense patriotism, but still.) And it's a high. I'm not gonna mince words here, it IS a high. To sit across from someone who is literally hungry for you to tell them more. Who looks at you with stars in their eyes and a million questions. Even though you know it's not YOU they're excited about, exactly. It doesn't matter. It's still a high. 

So bottom line. Anyone who tries to tell me that Garak would never be with Bashir because he's young/dumb/annoying or it's risky/out of character(snrrk)/seems stupid for someone as clever as him? Anyone who tries that with me has obviously never been aching for their next high. And Garak? Is an addict. It's canon. And this level of attention, no matter how problematic? Is just too damn tempting.
ladydrace: (Default)
Reading up on gastric bypass has, if nothing else, given me insight into the near-suicidal disregard many people have for their health. Like 99% of what I could find on the subject was from the US (which makes sense, because Denmark is TINY) and I know their healthcare system is vastly different from ours, but holy crap...

The shit I read about people doing before/after surgery... it's like they WANT complications. "My stomach hurts, I'm so scared!" I get that you're scared, friend, but maybe going fucking binge drinking a week out of surgery wasn't your brightest moment. Liquid diet does not mean "excuse to pickle yourself in alcohol".

And don't even get me started on the perfectly slim people who pay shady doctors to have it done, just to lose those last pesky ten pounds. I'm in awe of the stupidity.

I can barely even find mentions of health. It's all about how much they lost, down to the ounce, and I'm sitting here wanting to know if I can still take painkillers in pill form, or what happens if I get stomach flu, or if my meds will even still be absorbed, or how you cope with the dietary demands alongside other health issues. There was one lady on youtube who warned that the poop would be different, and YES, THANK YOU NICE LADY, these are the things I need to know in advance, please. 

Finding what I need on this is soooo hard. Like, loose skin is gonna happen. Does it hurt when you run? I mean, does it pull at you as it moves? And what about anxiety? Do the changes in your body change your mental state? Do different things trigger your anxiety compared to before?

And I can't find a single word about autism in relation to gastric bypass, which makes me worry that it's a thing doctor's wouldn't recommend to someone with autism. (I don't really think so, it's more likely any patients with autism find documenting it too challenging.) And what about your kids? They're bound to ask questions. What do you say? What if you miss a few meals? There's a lot of info about "dumping" that happens when you eat too much or the wrong things, but nothing about the effects of missing meals.

And I only found a single mention of taking precautions in the event of death during surgery. It's like people are deliberately ignoring the possiblity. Just because the risk is low, it doesn't mean it isn't there.
ladydrace: (Default)
Okay, this is a tough subject.

I'm considering a gastric bypass. 

I've been hugely against it, because first of all, people do actually die from this surgery (not many, but it does happen), and secondly, you're gonna have to be checked for vitamin deficiencies and other things pretty much for the rest of your life. And on top of that, it might lose its effect in time. A good example is my uncle who had one eight years or so ago, and he's just about as fat now as he was before the surgery. So yeah. Results not guaranteed.

But, at this point, it's starting to look like the lesser of two evils.
Read more... )
ladydrace: (OTPea)
A lot of the time these days I'm getting earful after earful about how serious it is to have a kid with autism, and yeah, sure, I see what they're getting at. But honestly, 90% of the time, the autism is invisible to me. Not that I forget he has it, not at all. But unless we're having conflicts, Pea is generally just... my son. He has quirks, which I'm sure some people would label "not normal" because it fits in with autism symptoms, but a lot of these are the same to me as any other kid with a preference for something.

So just because it's on my mind, here are a few things that are apparently an autism thing, but to me feels like just my kid.

- Music. Pea does not like music. Out on the town or on the car radio or on tv, it's okay. But no turning on the stereo at home, and 9 times out of 10, no singing from me. It's a bummer, but living with someone else, even a kid, means that sometimes you have to bend a little.

- No using the vacuum cleaner when he's in the house. That thing scares him shitless. My mother tells me I was the same with lawnmowers at his age, so how this is related to autism is vague to me.

- Dialogue quoting. Anything from cartoons to comic books, after a few times Pea can quote them from start to finish. Best game in the world for him is if we act out the different roles. The fact that we're doing it 300 times in a row is tiring, but hey, I get passionate about stuff too.

- Playing in the dirt. He's a kid. Honestly, how this is not normal baffles me.

- Extreme focus on one kind of food. I can't blame a kid for wanting the one thing he likes most right now. And as long as he's eating a few other things in between, I see nothing wrong with letting him eat the same thing day in and day out. Call me a bad mother, but that's how I feel.

- Slow development. This is worrying, I agree completely. But why do we need to push him to "catch up"? As long as he's happy and physically healthy, I have no problem with my kid having only the abilities of a younger child. He's gonna need special aid anyway, so why make it even harder for him by pressuring him to reach some kind of magical line? He's already using so much energy just dealing with how his perception of the world fucks up on a regular basis, I just don't see why I have to stick his nose in a book every time he's relaxed and content.

- Dislike of eye contact. I have that too, sweetie pie.

Fun fact: the people dealing with Pea often express disbelief when I tell them he sleeps perfectly well at night with no special aid stuff. And I'm like... "as if the problems he's already dealing with aren't enough for you?"
ladydrace: (brb dying)
Wrote a mile-long letter to some people who are supposedly going to be involved in my case. If not, they will know where to send it. I want to make sure as many people as possible get to see my side of this.

I was also called by a very nice lady about Pea's daycare. She couldn't say for sure yet if he could stay or not, but she was so damn chipper and nice that I could only smile. Friendly people makes such a fucking difference, you have no idea. She said she would find out for me and contact me ASAP. Fuck yeah.

We still have a meeting planned for May 2nd with Pea's psychiatrist, but we probably won't know until the last minute whether it'll have to be postponed or not.

Oh, and more on the good news front. My support person told me that she could probably help me so I wouldn't have to move, even if everything goes to shit and it ends up being foster care anyway. Which it won't. Because over my fucking dead body, that's why.

So now I'm currently researching what options for aid there is for families dealing with autism, because if they want to argue that I'm not doing enough, I am not going to give them any ammunition.

Next week will probably also be the last week Pea will spend with his daddy on "school nights". Meaning that B will go from being 50% parent to something like 20%, only having Pea over on weekends and holidays. Considering that B loses either way, this is good for everybody. As long as I hold the reins, B gets to see Pea as much as he likes whenever he has days off. With the county in charge, he would at best get a few hours here and there, and never any sleepovers. Which I find unacceptable, because B might be a lot of things, but he's Pea's dad, and Pea needs his daddy in his life.

So. Shit is going down. The party never stops. Wheeeeee.

ladydrace: (OTPea)
So. The verdict is in. Pea has autism. I was half sure we'd be told that there would be no labeling what he has, but to my surprise, not only does he have autism, he's actually pretty much smack in the middle of the scale. I'd assumed that if he did have something autism-related that he'd be on the edge of the spectrum, only barely qualifying for the diagnosis. But apparently, to a specialist, he's a pretty classic case.

And I as I read more about autism, it also becomes clear that there have been signs his entire life. If you know what you're looking for.

The people at daycare didn't even bat an eyelid either.

I'm happy with the diagnosis. Knowing what we're dealing with will help Pea so much. Anything that can make life easier for him is great in my book.

But, as I'm pretty sure can be expected, I'm also kinda down about it. Knowing how many challenges Pea will have to look forward to in his life makes me downright depressed. He's already trying so hard to understand what's going on around him, and as he grows it sure won't be any easier.

There's also the downside that since we now know it's autism, we also know that this isn't something he'll outgrow. He'll most likely learn to live with it, but this will have an effect on his entire life. On top of that, the psychiatrist also warned us that Pea might be slightly retarded. There's no telling until he gets older and his communication gets better. Personally I don't think he is, but his development goes up and down like a rollercoaster, so there's just no knowing where things will go yet.

My poor baby.

The good news is that since we still haven't heard a peep about foster care, I'm assuming they'll take his diagnosis into account when finding a family for him, so he can get the best possible care.

As for myself... I think I need a little while before it really dawns on me that I'm now mother to an autistic child, and what this might mean for us as a family.

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Lady Drace

April 2016

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