ladydrace: (Black Funk of Doom)
I realized something yesterday which left me stunned for a while.

Thinking back on it, my recurring depression has only been around while I lived at my previous address. Before then I had some other issues, but nothing that required medical attention. I didn't need meds or psychotherapy before I moved there. And within a moth of moving, the depression was as good as gone.

I. Am. Gobsmacked.

I still have a personality disorder, but that's something you can live with. As long as it feels like life isn't actually the blackest and most pointless shit ever invented, then you can keep moving. You can do things. You can live.

Using my depression icon hopefully for the last time ever.
ladydrace: (Free Hugs)
Today was great. Not only was my general faith in humanity restored when I finally managed to sell Pea's baby carriage, after having been blown off very rudely three times by potential buyers, but upon coming home form daycare, the most extraordinary thing happened.

Pea wanted to go to the playground, so we did. There was another mother and her barely 2-year old there, and I immediately got a little anxious, since it's always 50/50 whether Pea is okay with other kids or not. Turns out that Pea absolutely adored that little guy and happily played with him, gentle and considerate. I was so proud. And apparently having the other kid there made Pea a little braver, so he took his first trip on a lift-slide thingy that he's so far been too afraid to try alone, and we had the best time.

And best of all, while Pea and the little kiddo was playing, me and the other mom had a spontaneous heart to heart. She lives close by and she's in similar circumstances to mine. She's also been through years of mental issues, she's also on welfare and she's also struggling to keep her baby. She seems to have won her battle, though, but she had some additional insight to offer, which frankly almost made me cry right there in the playground.

It turns out both she and her sister went into foster care, and she made it clear that while she was more than aware of how painful it must be from the mother's side, she and her sister never lacked for anything and they adore their mother, even though they only saw her once a week as they were growing up. It gives me so much hope that as Pea grows he'll learn to understand that it wasn't because I didn't love him that I allowed this to happen, and if I'd had any other choice I would have made that one instead.

Talking to this woman was such a spot of sunshine for me. Before this I never even knew how much difference it would make to talk about this to someone who has actually been there. Who understands all the issues involved, without me having to explain every step of the way. From that 10 mins chat with a complete stranger, I got my heart lightened more than years of therapy ever managed.

My faith in the world has been restored for a time. Thank god.
ladydrace: (Vomit now?)
Meeting today was beyond brutal. Imagine having every single one of your flaws typed up and printed out. 17 pages of why you suck.

That was my day.

Fuck.

My.

Life.

Explanation: The goal of this entire months long exercise was to pinpoint where B and I need help raising Pea, so of course it makes sense to highlight all the trouble areas. But 17. Fucking. Pages. Omfg. Right now it's a real honest to god struggle to remember why I should even bother being around. Not that I'm thinking of ending things, thank god, but wow. Everything seems fucking pointless right now.

ladydrace: (Do they have a name for what's wrong wit)
Do not try and explain anything about your mental condition to the daycare bitch. Ever. All you will get in return is condescension and ignorance. It is not worth it. She does not want to understand you.

This has been a service announcement, self. Do yourself a favor and remember it.

ladydrace: (Painful Burning Sensation)
Wow, my life is being really stressful right now and in an effort to keep things straight in my head, and maybe try not to panic, I'm gonna try and write it all out here.

Green Pea:

-He is signed up for a special needs kindergarten, hopefully starting in August. That's finally settled completely.
-His special caretaker is working absolute wonders with him and he adores her. And better still, I feel really good about her, which I can most certainly NOT say about his daily caretaker.
-And on that subject, she has expressed worry that Pea might be having some asthma, but I personally think her grounds for that are very slim. But to keep the peace, I have contacted the doctor for an appointment this week. However, since Pea's currently not having symptoms, I wonder what they might look for in him. I'll have to call them tomorrow and ask if they want to wait to see him until he has symptoms again.
-We were also offered additional parenting advice from the county and we took it, to at least not seem ungrateful. So far they have had nothing to offer, telling us that Pea is doing great and that it's extremely limited what they might help us with. This is good, but we're letting their evaluation continue to the end, which means at least 2 more home visits and one major meeting. Ugh. I don't like "official" visitors. Scratch that. I don't like visitors, period.

-Pea personally is doing well. Learning to talk at super sonic speed and giving up pacifiers without too much of a fuss. I'm so proud of him.


Me:

-Still no word from the psychiatrist my doctor referred me to. But I didn't expect it so soon either. Waiting lists are a bitch.
-My meds are proving to need more adjustment than I expected. It could be because I'm older now, or maybe I've just gotten worse. In any case, I've had to be a little creative and sometimes skip a dosage to get stuff done. It's probably not something that would be advised by any doctor, but it's what's currently working for me.
-Went to a meeting with my job councilor at the county. She was appalled to hear how my doctor treated me, and implored me to get a new one. I agree with her that it would probably be best, but I'm angsting over it a lot, because I've switched doctors so many times in the past. It makes me feel like I'm some sort of hypochondriac, ditching the doctors who won't give me pills. I know that's not the case, but my head likes to tell me I suck. *le sigh* But I will be looking into it at least.
-The councilor also convinced me to get some home aid. I'm not entirely sure what it'll be for yet, but if nothing else, it will be someone to hold my hand for stuff like switching doctors. No knowing when (or if) I'll even get one, so for the moment this is just a possibility.
-I'm also having some mild money troubles, but hopefully they should be over by April. Not feeling desperate yet, thank god.
-The good news is that I'm fairly healthy at the moment. Not sick, for once, sleeping at night and generally feeling good physically. I'm tired, but that's just life with mental illness. I can't even remember the last time I wasn't constantly tired.

TL;DR: There's an awful lot of people involved in my life at the moment, and my knee-jerk response to that is to tell them all to fuck off and leave me alone. But sadly, that would be counterproductive right now, so I shall endure. The battle to get better and be a good mom continues. *hoists banner and peeps out a weary battle cry*

Up next: fandom and other pleasant stuff!

ladydrace: (Do they have a name for what's wrong wit)
Well, my appointment with the doctor yesterday was massively disappointing. He told me in no uncertain terms that he didn't know what to do with me. I went home feeling like a huge failure and spent the rest of the day in bed. Thanks, Doc. Not. Got another appointment in 2 weeks, apparently to give the meds more time to settle. But I really got the sense from him that he wanted me to tell him what to do with me. How the hell should I know?! If I knew how to fix this shit, then I would bloody well be out there doing it right the fuck now!

I don't like this doctor. He's kind of an ass.

However, in the waiting room I was pleasantly surprised. I was sitting there trying discreetly to relieve the pressure in my ears. It goes haywire every time I have a cold and since the "popping" of my eardrums often make my eyes water and my nose run, I was holding a tissue in front of my face and I suspect I was making some sniffly noises. An elderly couple in front of me were casting me glances and when I was done sniffling, the wife came over and patted me on the shoulder and asked if she could sit with me. She then proceeded to make small talk, being exceptionally nice and only then did it occur to me that she may have thought I was crying earlier. Every once in a while, my faith in humanity is restored. :o)

And now I really need to make some more fannish posts, because this is just too depressing.

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Lady Drace

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