What to do? Am I being over-sensitive?
May. 10th, 2009 08:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ladydraceOk, so we're only 2 weeks from due date and I admit readily that the belly is extremely heavy and uncomfortable. Which of course means that certain everyday tasks are rather harder to do. I don't feel I've had to really give up on anything I felt I had to do. I've had to take considerably longer for some tasks, but they've been done at my personal comfortable pace. So bottom line: I'm pretty happy with the state of my home and the rate of getting everyday stuff done. Especially since my depression usually makes it even harder for me to get things done than the pregnancy ever did.
Now to my dilemma... My mother in law has offered to come over before the birth and help clean the house, so that things will be easier the first bit of time with the baby. I have no doubt she only offers this as a favour and of course it's up to us... well really only me, since hubby is used to his mother and wouldn't mind her cleaning stuff for us. Besides, he works and brings home the money (kinda), and as long as he does this, I feel the house is my responsibility. But never mind that.
So I have to decide if I want my mother in law to come into my home and clean stuff. Sounds like a nice thing, but frankly to me, it sounds like a watered out version of hell. First of all, I'm very aware that my notion of clean, is NOTHING like hers. She offered stuff like washing floors, dusting and vacuming. Let's see... in the 6 years we've lived here, I think I've washed the floors 3 times in all. I sweep up dust and stuff occasionally, but frankly, I suspect the dust bunny farms I keep will make her have a minor heart attack. I don't think we've ever actually washed the windows here... So that's one worry.
Another thing is that I really really fear that I won't be able to control what happens. This is my safety zone. My bubble of comfort and security. I can allow visits on my own terms, but mum in law has a bit of a problem accepting a polite 'no thank you'. She'll need to be shouted at, and I cannot do that!! I've never ever needed to shout at my own mom, but the way mum in law raised her kids, needing to raise one's voice to be heard is the norm rather than a rarity. So I just know that if I let her in to wash 'something', it will end up with her washing everything! And I can't deal with that! I would like to be able to set some limits. Like "only the bathroom" or "stay out of the bedroom". But I fear that those boundaries will not be accepted. It might just be my paranoia speaking, but either way, my worry would no doubt make the whole thing horrible!
My sister in law says I'll just need to swallow my pride on this one and accept all the help I can get. Because in her experience, we will be very grateful for it when the baby comes. That might well be true, but that doesn't make me one bit more comfortable.
I've spent years getting to terms with my anxiety and housepride. Those 2 things made it hell for me for years, because I felt I had to have a presentable home at all times and I've had more than one panic attack over the idea of having visitors while the house was less than perfect. Now I'm finally able to let people see the house as it is. Sure, I clean up the worst, but if people can't deal with the dust bunnies and cobwebs, well, that's their problem. Not mine. And I'm afraid that this visit from mom in law - well meant as it is - will re-awaken all that insecurity all over again.
I really don't know what to do. I have no idea how stressed out we will be having the baby, so sister in law might be right in saying that we will need it. But on the other hand I'm slightly offended at the very idea that we're not doing our own cleaning 'well enough', even though I know that's not what mum in law is saying. And on top of that is the whole anxiety issue.
Oh, and another thing is that we will be recieving daily visits from health care people the first week after the birth, and maybe I would like that things are just a bit more orderly. But gah! What do I do?
Now to my dilemma... My mother in law has offered to come over before the birth and help clean the house, so that things will be easier the first bit of time with the baby. I have no doubt she only offers this as a favour and of course it's up to us... well really only me, since hubby is used to his mother and wouldn't mind her cleaning stuff for us. Besides, he works and brings home the money (kinda), and as long as he does this, I feel the house is my responsibility. But never mind that.
So I have to decide if I want my mother in law to come into my home and clean stuff. Sounds like a nice thing, but frankly to me, it sounds like a watered out version of hell. First of all, I'm very aware that my notion of clean, is NOTHING like hers. She offered stuff like washing floors, dusting and vacuming. Let's see... in the 6 years we've lived here, I think I've washed the floors 3 times in all. I sweep up dust and stuff occasionally, but frankly, I suspect the dust bunny farms I keep will make her have a minor heart attack. I don't think we've ever actually washed the windows here... So that's one worry.
Another thing is that I really really fear that I won't be able to control what happens. This is my safety zone. My bubble of comfort and security. I can allow visits on my own terms, but mum in law has a bit of a problem accepting a polite 'no thank you'. She'll need to be shouted at, and I cannot do that!! I've never ever needed to shout at my own mom, but the way mum in law raised her kids, needing to raise one's voice to be heard is the norm rather than a rarity. So I just know that if I let her in to wash 'something', it will end up with her washing everything! And I can't deal with that! I would like to be able to set some limits. Like "only the bathroom" or "stay out of the bedroom". But I fear that those boundaries will not be accepted. It might just be my paranoia speaking, but either way, my worry would no doubt make the whole thing horrible!
My sister in law says I'll just need to swallow my pride on this one and accept all the help I can get. Because in her experience, we will be very grateful for it when the baby comes. That might well be true, but that doesn't make me one bit more comfortable.
I've spent years getting to terms with my anxiety and housepride. Those 2 things made it hell for me for years, because I felt I had to have a presentable home at all times and I've had more than one panic attack over the idea of having visitors while the house was less than perfect. Now I'm finally able to let people see the house as it is. Sure, I clean up the worst, but if people can't deal with the dust bunnies and cobwebs, well, that's their problem. Not mine. And I'm afraid that this visit from mom in law - well meant as it is - will re-awaken all that insecurity all over again.
I really don't know what to do. I have no idea how stressed out we will be having the baby, so sister in law might be right in saying that we will need it. But on the other hand I'm slightly offended at the very idea that we're not doing our own cleaning 'well enough', even though I know that's not what mum in law is saying. And on top of that is the whole anxiety issue.
Oh, and another thing is that we will be recieving daily visits from health care people the first week after the birth, and maybe I would like that things are just a bit more orderly. But gah! What do I do?
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no subject
Date: 2009-05-11 01:31 am (UTC)cleaning:
pro: mom in law will give the place a major once over and then you'll only have to up keep
con: if her idea of clean is more meticulous than yours you'll make yourself sick thinking what she thinks of you and how you're taking care of her son and grandpea
my advice: take the cleaning... you deserve it.... and what other people think of you is none of your business (yes, i typed that right.. go back and let it sink it... i have anxiety too and it's become a mantra)
boundries:
girlfriend... they don't exist with parents or in laws... best bet will be to ask hubby to set the boundries with her... he's her son and may take it to heart more.
anxiety:
sucks, plain and simple... if she does come, remember to breathe and try not to read into every action, comment or look.... tough, yes, i know... i totally hear ya screaming.... but don't let the visit be a lawnmower story (A guy wants to ask his neighboer to borrow his lawnmower... he frets about asking, thinks of all the things that can go wrong, how the neighbor will react.. gets defensive about how he would take care of the thing and anything that could happen wouldn't be his fault... gets himself so worked up and he's outside of his house picking up his mail, the neighbor says hi and he replies "keep your %&%$% lawnmower!!".... leaving the neighbor completely baffled)
no subject
Date: 2009-05-11 06:26 am (UTC)Maybe I could arrange it so I wasn't home during the whole thing. Maybe visit my own mom or something, and let hubby take care of his mom while she goes all hurricane on the house. She will probably listen even less to any boundaries he might set up, but at least he won't panic at the notion. I quiver at the thought of having a full blown panic attack while mum in law is here. :o(
no subject
Date: 2009-05-11 07:21 am (UTC)Nice and dust free is good for the baby and will give the health care folks one less thing to fuss about.
I had these wonderful ladies come every Mon. to clean for me for years and I loved it. Had to stop it when I was laid off. But hiring someone is different from having a M-I-L doing it with tons of emotional issues involved.
Give yourself as many breaks as possible.
I love your little Yy icon. That tells me something!?
Ahavia
no subject
Date: 2009-05-11 09:01 am (UTC)And no, the icon doesn't tell you anything... I think.. (is y the female or male chromosome? I can't remember.) I just had to steal it because there was PEA in it! I thought it was too good a coincidence!
no subject
Date: 2009-05-11 10:46 am (UTC)and i really do understand the anxiety.. i was medicated for years... people who don't live through it can't really understand it.... i could totally get going on al the things that helped me... but that's a bit rude...
no subject
Date: 2009-05-11 11:00 am (UTC)And thanks for not starting with the anxiety advices right now. I'll be sure to ask when I feel I need it. But for now, I've got too much else on my mind to really get anything out of any well meaning advice with regard to my illness. All my hopes right now lies with the intense treatment I start in August.
And besides, I need to just ignore my sensebilities about the mess. My hubby lived alone for more than 10 years before he met me, and during that time, he was really a true bachelor. His mother has done the hurricane thing to his apartment more than a few times, so she knows the kind of mess he can produce, and what mess we have to show now can never ever match his back then. So I doubt she'll be really shocked. It's mostly just my brain being stupid.
no subject
Date: 2009-05-11 06:25 pm (UTC)Good point about your MIL's experience with mess involving your husband. Hopefully you can keep that in mind when it helps.
Am I to understand that even regular healthy people get Dr. medical people to visit them at home in your country? That is awesome. I would totally trade that for high priced movie tickets and everything else. Is there an easy way to get a doctor for the baby? That drove me nuts, and the first pediatrician we had was terrible, but I just had to pick one off a list from the insurance.
no subject
Date: 2009-05-11 08:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-11 09:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-11 06:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-11 10:46 pm (UTC)