What to do? Am I being over-sensitive?

[ladydrace]

Ok, so we're only 2 weeks from due date and I admit readily that the belly is extremely heavy and uncomfortable. Which of course means that certain everyday tasks are rather harder to do. I don't feel I've had to really give up on anything I felt I had to do. I've had to take considerably longer for some tasks, but they've been done at my personal comfortable pace. So bottom line: I'm pretty happy with the state of my home and the rate of getting everyday stuff done. Especially since my depression usually makes it even harder for me to get things done than the pregnancy ever did.

Now to my dilemma... My mother in law has offered to come over before the birth and help clean the house, so that things will be easier the first bit of time with the baby. I have no doubt she only offers this as a favour and of course it's up to us... well really only me, since hubby is used to his mother and wouldn't mind her cleaning stuff for us. Besides, he works and brings home the money (kinda), and as long as he does this, I feel the house is my responsibility. But never mind that.

So I have to decide if I want my mother in law to come into my home and clean stuff. Sounds like a nice thing, but frankly to me, it sounds like a watered out version of hell. First of all, I'm very aware that my notion of clean, is NOTHING like hers. She offered stuff like washing floors, dusting and vacuming. Let's see... in the 6 years we've lived here, I think I've washed the floors 3 times in all. I sweep up dust and stuff occasionally, but frankly, I suspect the dust bunny farms I keep will make her have a minor heart attack. I don't think we've ever actually washed the windows here... So that's one worry.

Another thing is that I really really fear that I won't be able to control what happens. This is my safety zone. My bubble of comfort and security. I can allow visits on my own terms, but mum in law has a bit of a problem accepting a polite 'no thank you'. She'll need to be shouted at, and I cannot do that!! I've never ever needed to shout at my own mom, but the way mum in law raised her kids, needing to raise one's voice to be heard is the norm rather than a rarity. So I just know that if I let her in to wash 'something', it will end up with her washing everything! And I can't deal with that! I would like to be able to set some limits. Like "only the bathroom" or "stay out of the bedroom". But I fear that those boundaries will not be accepted. It might just be my paranoia speaking, but either way, my worry would no doubt make the whole thing horrible!

My sister in law says I'll just need to swallow my pride on this one and accept all the help I can get. Because in her experience, we will be very grateful for it when the baby comes. That might well be true, but that doesn't make me one bit more comfortable.

I've spent years getting to terms with my anxiety and housepride. Those 2 things made it hell for me for years, because I felt I had to have a presentable home at all times and I've had more than one panic attack over the idea of having visitors while the house was less than perfect. Now I'm finally able to let people see the house as it is. Sure, I clean up the worst, but if people can't deal with the dust bunnies and cobwebs, well, that's their problem. Not mine. And I'm afraid that this visit from mom in law - well meant as it is - will re-awaken all that insecurity all over again.

I really don't know what to do. I have no idea how stressed out we will be having the baby, so sister in law might be right in saying that we will need it. But on the other hand I'm slightly offended at the very idea that we're not doing our own cleaning 'well enough', even though I know that's not what mum in law is saying. And on top of that is the whole anxiety issue.

Oh, and another thing is that we will be recieving daily visits from health care people the first week after the birth, and maybe I would like that things are just a bit more orderly. But gah! What do I do?

Comments

[bibsy-bebs.livejournal.com]

Aww *hugs* This could be a tricky situation but I'm sure it will be ok in the end. If I was you i'd avoid shouting because if you yell at her to get your point across you may end up accidently hurting her feelings and she may not want to lend a hand in the future. I'm sure if you talk to your husband he'd be happy to sit down with you and his mom and discuss it.

Maybe you could get together and explain that while you are very grateful you want to try and handle some things. Perhaps you could ask if she could help out by just dropping by to help out for a few hours a week or something rather than coming round to do a huge cleanup? Or you could ask if she'd be willing to help in other area's instead like maybe dropping round with some dinner for you and your husband, because you might not feel up to cooking while caring for the baby.

I'm sorry I'm not much help =\ I hope things work out for you lovie *hugs again*

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

I can certainly use the hugs. I'm so conflicted.

[cyranothe2nd.livejournal.com]

How far along are you? Have you gone into nesting stage yet? Most pregnant women, somewhere in the 8th or 9th month, get a sudden boost of energy and a need to make the house perfect for baby. I spent hours cleaning and actually attempted CRAFTS (I don't do crafts).
I think that if you don't want her in the house, say "Thanks so much for the offer but we are fine. Why don't we go out and get some lunch instead?"
As for the home medical ppl--believe me, they have seen worse!

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

Not really nesting that violently yet. I've had a few bouts of re-arranging stuff, but not anywhere close to what I've heard from others. But with 2 weeks to go until due date, there can be as much as 4 weeks left to go really bonkers about it.

And yeah, I know the health people have seen worse. But I think it's like having a shower before seeing the doctor. No need to make it more nasty than it has to be.

[abrandnewworld.livejournal.com]

ok i totally hear you....

cleaning:
pro: mom in law will give the place a major once over and then you'll only have to up keep

con: if her idea of clean is more meticulous than yours you'll make yourself sick thinking what she thinks of you and how you're taking care of her son and grandpea

my advice: take the cleaning... you deserve it.... and what other people think of you is none of your business (yes, i typed that right.. go back and let it sink it... i have anxiety too and it's become a mantra)

boundries:

girlfriend... they don't exist with parents or in laws... best bet will be to ask hubby to set the boundries with her... he's her son and may take it to heart more.

anxiety:

sucks, plain and simple... if she does come, remember to breathe and try not to read into every action, comment or look.... tough, yes, i know... i totally hear ya screaming.... but don't let the visit be a lawnmower story (A guy wants to ask his neighboer to borrow his lawnmower... he frets about asking, thinks of all the things that can go wrong, how the neighbor will react.. gets defensive about how he would take care of the thing and anything that could happen wouldn't be his fault... gets himself so worked up and he's outside of his house picking up his mail, the neighbor says hi and he replies "keep your %&%$% lawnmower!!".... leaving the neighbor completely baffled)

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

*sigh* I was afraid I would be hearing stuff like that. But I know. I probably should take the offer. But damn, it's just so hard!

Maybe I could arrange it so I wasn't home during the whole thing. Maybe visit my own mom or something, and let hubby take care of his mom while she goes all hurricane on the house. She will probably listen even less to any boundaries he might set up, but at least he won't panic at the notion. I quiver at the thought of having a full blown panic attack while mum in law is here. :o(

[ahavia.livejournal.com]

That is a good idea. Go to your mom to rest and have the magic of cleaning done while you are gone.
Nice and dust free is good for the baby and will give the health care folks one less thing to fuss about.
I had these wonderful ladies come every Mon. to clean for me for years and I loved it. Had to stop it when I was laid off. But hiring someone is different from having a M-I-L doing it with tons of emotional issues involved.
Give yourself as many breaks as possible.
I love your little Yy icon. That tells me something!?
Ahavia

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

Good point about the dust actually.

And no, the icon doesn't tell you anything... I think.. (is y the female or male chromosome? I can't remember.) I just had to steal it because there was PEA in it! I thought it was too good a coincidence!

[abrandnewworld.livejournal.com]

now that'a an idea too... i was under the impression she'd be staying for a few days. if you can get out of the house, it would help... after i was diagnosed with asthma i needed to hire someone to clean... i freaked out and ask my mom to come stay at the house their first time so they couldn't put a face to the mess

and i really do understand the anxiety.. i was medicated for years... people who don't live through it can't really understand it.... i could totally get going on al the things that helped me... but that's a bit rude...

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

I actually have no idea exactly what her offer would entail, but she lives fairly close, so she might come by every day for a few days, but would at least not stay the night.

And thanks for not starting with the anxiety advices right now. I'll be sure to ask when I feel I need it. But for now, I've got too much else on my mind to really get anything out of any well meaning advice with regard to my illness. All my hopes right now lies with the intense treatment I start in August.

And besides, I need to just ignore my sensebilities about the mess. My hubby lived alone for more than 10 years before he met me, and during that time, he was really a true bachelor. His mother has done the hurricane thing to his apartment more than a few times, so she knows the kind of mess he can produce, and what mess we have to show now can never ever match his back then. So I doubt she'll be really shocked. It's mostly just my brain being stupid.

[lonespark.livejournal.com]

I hope my comment below isn't bad as far anxiety advices. Didn't mean to be overbearing about it.

Good point about your MIL's experience with mess involving your husband. Hopefully you can keep that in mind when it helps.

Am I to understand that even regular healthy people get Dr. medical people to visit them at home in your country? That is awesome. I would totally trade that for high priced movie tickets and everything else. Is there an easy way to get a doctor for the baby? That drove me nuts, and the first pediatrician we had was terrible, but I just had to pick one off a list from the insurance.

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

Nope, only nutcases like me get the healthcare people crawling all over me. Most people do get around 4 visits from a nurse-ish person, to evaluate the baby's development, but that's it. And we don't have seperate doctors for the baby. We just go to our regular doctor.

[lonespark.livejournal.com]

Well, 4 visits. 4! Visits! Crazytimes. Wow.

[lonespark.livejournal.com]

Lawnmower story is awesome! I do that way too much.

[abrandnewworld.livejournal.com]

yeah that's the story of my life between the anxiety and OCD.. i'm getting better though

[lonespark.livejournal.com]

Either way is fine. Go with what you feel is the right decision. It's totally your decision and either way is fine. If you think having her there will stress you, don't do it. If you think it might be alright then do it and hey, your house will be clean for one week out of its whole existence so hey, win for the house.

I don't get a long with my MIL, either, but she had to be in our house for 3 weeks because of a horrible kerfluffle with Child Protective services, and it was ok. When you have a new baby people expect you to be really tired and stressed and they want you to boss them around, and you should, and then go take a big nap. But if the responsibility of bossing makes you more anxious, either tell to do a set bunch of things from a list, or make them go away/not show up.

I don't know if you have ever taken meds for anxiety, but it's something to consider. Many new parents have problems with anxiety or depression, but it is important to get treated so you won't be unnecessarily sick and miserable. That interferes with parenting bigtime.

I have the house anxiety thing externally. I grew up with messy parents and I'm kinda messy, plus really bad when having problems with anxiety/depression. But my husband's family are all about the military precision and housekeeping as an indication of character and they stress me.

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

I am on meds and have been so for years with no real effect. So far, the pills keep me stable and thank god, the pregnancy hormones have not messed up my mind more than usual. I was really afraid it would affect me badly, but so far, no real panic attacks.

I'm starting an intense treatment period in August and all my hopes lie there. If it doesn't work, then I really don't know what to do. I've had this problem in varying degrees since my early teens, and frankly, I'm exhausted.

[abrandnewworld.livejournal.com]

hugs

here for you if you need to vent about it