Fuck my life...

[ladydrace]

Remember how I said there was no reason this was a bad day? Well now there is. Actually there always was, but it never really surfaced until now.

1. The brats make me feel like I'm back in 3rd grade. I keep trying to think of other ways of going home from daycare, so I won't have to face them. I spend so much time and energy on those little fuckers and it's seriously making me paranoid. My brilliant plan doesn't seem like such a comfort right now. And what if my retaliation only makes it worse? This time they were only 3, but I know for a fact that they usually hang with a group of up to 12 kids of different ages. And if they all get in on it, I'll be driven out of town. I could perhaps get the police to deal with it, but not until I've been driven even deeper into the hell hole of anxiety I'm desperately trying to claw my way out of.

2. I'm starting to have some "muddy" discharge, along with pains in my private parts. This worries me a lot. Had it just been fresh blood, I wouldn't have worried, but this weird sludge concerns me alot, combined with the pains. There's no smell to speak of, so that's good, but I'm still worried. I do have a doctor appointment on Wednesday, but I don't know if I can wait that long...

3. I worry. I worry myself to death about the coming separation of households. How will Pea deal? How will B deal? He's never had Pea for very long on his own and I worry myself sick that he's going to be taking his frustrations out on Pea even more than he's done before, as soon as there's nobody (a.k.a me) to see/stop him. I'm not worried about physical abuse, but the mental abuse isn't much better. In fact, I'd say it's worse. Not that he's abusive as such, but I fear it could go there. I worry, worry and worry.

4. I. Want. My. Fucking. Husband. Back.
Not B. I want my husband. The man I could trust more than myself. The man I loved so much that any annoying trait was overshadowed by the comfort and security I felt in his embrace. I want my husband here to hug me and tell me everything is going to be ok. That this stranger who shares my home will be gone soon and that we'll be a family again. A family who could raise our beautiful little boy in a household of love and affection, like we always planned. I want that back.
I hardly know what to do about this clone of my husband who's occupying his spaces and wearing his clothes. It's like a mockery of the love we had and it breaks my fucking heart.

*sob*

Comments

[silkmoth101.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*
That a lot to deal with on one day, hon. Days like this are awful, because everything just piles up and up until you see no way out. I know I'm always repeating myself but try and put things aside for today. There will be better days to deal with all this. Take your meds.

If you can avoid the brats by taking another way, just do it. Why the hell should you care?

Try to not worry too much about the bleeding. When the shit hit the fan with M. I was having exactly the same problems and my cycle was totally fucked up. The psyche often finds a way to come out over your body.

You can't know yet what will happen when B. moves out. I think when you're there you will know how he behaves, and you will act in the right way. Again, another thing you should not worry about today.

And yeah, you wouldn't be human if you weren't grieving. Of course you want your love back. On one day, you will grieve, on another day you will spit and hiss and be angry as hell, and on other days, you will deal with it. In the end, that's the thing that will remain. You will deal and move on.

Sorry for blathering. *hugs you again*

[o-deanna.livejournal.com]

Sorry! I clicked the wrong reply button. Should not be allowed to use lj when I am tired!

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

Trust me, it's not blather. It's exactly what I need to hear. *squishes*

[lovefan81.livejournal.com]

*hugs you*

I can totally understand your feelings towards those demon children. I'd probably have the same thoughts as you do.

As for all the other stuff, I hope it will only get better and that it's just one of those days where everything comes crashing down at once and that tomorrow you'll feel better.

*hugs you"

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[prelocandkanar.livejournal.com]

Oh, sweetie... What a lot to be going through!

Wish I could do/say more...

I don't have any great advice. Just that I hear you, and I'm pulling for you.

great big hugs and good thoughts to you!

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

Thank you, honey. It warms my heart knowing that you're out there, thinking of me.

*hugs*

[taricalmcacil.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't know about 1, 3 or 4, but 2 could be stress related. That's how all my periods start and end, and the mor4e stressed out I am right before it, the longer and thicker those parts of it are. Maybe TMI, but try not to stress it out too much. Any new medications can affect that as well.

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

No new meds. Besides, I'm on the pill, so I shouldn't be able to start my cycle early.

But it's better today, so it's probably just stress.

[dark-sinestra.livejournal.com]

*HUGS* If going home a different route takes care of the kid issue, I say go for it. It's really no different than avoiding pot holes in a sidewalk or a yard with a vicious dog. It's not letting them "win", because all they're after is to irritate you and alleviate their own boredom. You're not their entertainment. Let them find their own elsewhere.

Stress and age can both affect how a period looks and feels. What you're describing isn't abnormal in and of itself, even if it's nothing you've had before, but going to the doctor just to be sure is a good idea.

As for the rest, I know there's not much that can be done or said other than I'm pulling for you, know that all of this is really rough and a lot to try to juggle/handle while raising a toddler at the same time, and think you're doing a remarkable job of keeping it together in the midst of the maelstrom. I'm so sorry you're going through this. *BIG HUG*

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

I refuse to let those little fuckers win. It'll be just like in school, where I would have to dodge the bullies every fucking day. I'm an adult now, and I am damn well going to show these little brats that making anyone feel bad like that is completely unacceptable. If they take me on (I am after all at least 4 times their size) then I'm sure they have no qualms about bothering kids their own age. And if I can stop that hell from happening to just one more kid, then I will. They may have won the first round, but like HELL if I let them beat me!

As for periods... trust me, it's not my period. Pain in all the wrong places and also, I'm on the pill, so I can't really start my period out of cycle. But stress, sure. And it's better today, so I'm betting it's psycosomatic.

Thanks for the hugs. I'm collecting those. *HUGS*

[casenumber825.livejournal.com]

Awh, Honey, I wish I could do more than just tell you that every will be fine as long as you keep believing it, I really do, but unfortunately that's all I can do.

Here hoping that things will start picking up. It's going to be tough and there will be bumpy sections on the way, but you'll get to a nice, happy ort of the contentment with life.
It's a shame all the shit come before it.

*HUGS*

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

Well. I guess it's the way of life. No pain, no gain.

But the hugs help. They really do.

*hugs*

[nyxelestia.livejournal.com]

I can't speak on the other stuff, but I feel I can reassure you on Pea: he'll be fine. Children are far more resilient than adults give them credit for.

I had to deal with separated houses from one of the worst ages possible, ~8 - young enough that I didn't completely understand how to deal, yet old enough to miss being in one house with my parents, however violent a household it was. They moved further and further apart, and now live almost 900 miles (over 1400 km) apart. Pea, at least, has the advantage that he's incredibly young - as he grows up, it'll be a fact of life that his parent don't live together, and that means he won't have to go through the process of adapting after years and years of living otherwise.

Also - my parents were emotionally neglectful, borderline abusive, at times. But the genuine love they showed for me more than made up for it. From how you've described your husband so far, I don't think he will regularly take out his frustrations on Pea. But even if he does, know this - if his love for Pea is real, then Pea will be fine, regardless of what happens.

Dads, even ones that don't really know what to do with kids, are usually pretty good at figuring things out. And not all of them are as opposed to calling (ex)wives/girlfriends for help when it comes down to their own children as TV would have us believe. My mother had my father arrested, tried in court, and left my dad half in debt from all the reparations ensuing, and at that time, my parents didn't hate anyone else more than they hated each other. But when I got sick while staying with my father, the first person he called was still my mother. Whatever else parents may feel, a lot of that gets chucked right out the window when their kids are involved. And so far, your divorce isn't anywhere near as bad as my parents' was.

At this point, your best bet is that when you hand off Pea to B, just make sure to leave him with as many venues of communication open as possible.

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

I'm not too worried about Pea, either. Not when I'm in my right mind, anyway. I know that B is decent enough to ask for help (maybe not from me, but from someone) if he gets too overwhelmed. And I have several good examples of well-adjusted children of two households. I'm sure he'll turn out great. Because we do love him dearly, both of us.

And B knows he can always call me about Pea. Anytime, anywhere.

[nyxelestia.livejournal.com]

Good to hear. :)

[bibsy-bebs.livejournal.com]

I don't have much advice sadly, but I really, really hope things get better for you soon :( *hugs* Remember how amazing you are, and don't let anybody tell you different.

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

Thank you, m'dear. *hugs*

[blossommorphine.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, my dear. I can't imagine how hellish this is for you, and isolating. I'm sorry that B is not the husband that you deserve and the father that Pea needs. Yet, you will persevere. You have come so far when times were so grim, I think you will continue to do so.

Like others have said, I believe the brown discharge may be a result of stress and periodic biological changes, but agree that it would be wise to see the doctor as soon as possible. I hope everything will be okay.

I love you.

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

Love you too, sweetie.

*hugs*

[o-deanna.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry I haven't been with you through all this :(, I just couldn't come online for a while. I can't believe I've caught up with your journal to see all this turmoil and awfulness.

Stay strong, I'm so proud of you but so sorry that you have to deal with it all. ♥

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

I'm still alive. I'll make it.

Thank you. *hugs*

[mrs-picard.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

Mental abuse of a child is serious. Trust me on that one. It'll mess up a person for their entire life if it's severe enough. Look at me.

But still - if I were you I would perhaps make sure that B just takes Pea to places where he isn't alone with him. Y'know, playgrounds and whatnot so that he can't just snap at him just like that without anyone else noticing. If you feel uncomfortable about leaving Pea alone with him at his home you shouldn't do it. He is Pea's father, yes, and he has the right to see Pea whenever he wants - but not if Pea gets into any sort of danger of mental abuse. Maybe I'm looking at this from a biased point of view, but I'm just very, very careful about such things. I don't want to frighten you even more, though, but I'm afraid that's exactly what I've done now! :((((

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

No, don't worry. I'm so much better today and I'm much more positive about things.

B might have a temper, but he loves Pea as much as I do and if he gets the slightest suspicion that he's doing any kind of damage to Pea, he will find help. I know he will.

*hugs*

[mrs-picard.livejournal.com]

*hugs*!!!