Fuck my life...

[ladydrace]

Remember how I said there was no reason this was a bad day? Well now there is. Actually there always was, but it never really surfaced until now.

1. The brats make me feel like I'm back in 3rd grade. I keep trying to think of other ways of going home from daycare, so I won't have to face them. I spend so much time and energy on those little fuckers and it's seriously making me paranoid. My brilliant plan doesn't seem like such a comfort right now. And what if my retaliation only makes it worse? This time they were only 3, but I know for a fact that they usually hang with a group of up to 12 kids of different ages. And if they all get in on it, I'll be driven out of town. I could perhaps get the police to deal with it, but not until I've been driven even deeper into the hell hole of anxiety I'm desperately trying to claw my way out of.

2. I'm starting to have some "muddy" discharge, along with pains in my private parts. This worries me a lot. Had it just been fresh blood, I wouldn't have worried, but this weird sludge concerns me alot, combined with the pains. There's no smell to speak of, so that's good, but I'm still worried. I do have a doctor appointment on Wednesday, but I don't know if I can wait that long...

3. I worry. I worry myself to death about the coming separation of households. How will Pea deal? How will B deal? He's never had Pea for very long on his own and I worry myself sick that he's going to be taking his frustrations out on Pea even more than he's done before, as soon as there's nobody (a.k.a me) to see/stop him. I'm not worried about physical abuse, but the mental abuse isn't much better. In fact, I'd say it's worse. Not that he's abusive as such, but I fear it could go there. I worry, worry and worry.

4. I. Want. My. Fucking. Husband. Back.
Not B. I want my husband. The man I could trust more than myself. The man I loved so much that any annoying trait was overshadowed by the comfort and security I felt in his embrace. I want my husband here to hug me and tell me everything is going to be ok. That this stranger who shares my home will be gone soon and that we'll be a family again. A family who could raise our beautiful little boy in a household of love and affection, like we always planned. I want that back.
I hardly know what to do about this clone of my husband who's occupying his spaces and wearing his clothes. It's like a mockery of the love we had and it breaks my fucking heart.

*sob*

Comments

[nyxelestia.livejournal.com]

I can't speak on the other stuff, but I feel I can reassure you on Pea: he'll be fine. Children are far more resilient than adults give them credit for.

I had to deal with separated houses from one of the worst ages possible, ~8 - young enough that I didn't completely understand how to deal, yet old enough to miss being in one house with my parents, however violent a household it was. They moved further and further apart, and now live almost 900 miles (over 1400 km) apart. Pea, at least, has the advantage that he's incredibly young - as he grows up, it'll be a fact of life that his parent don't live together, and that means he won't have to go through the process of adapting after years and years of living otherwise.

Also - my parents were emotionally neglectful, borderline abusive, at times. But the genuine love they showed for me more than made up for it. From how you've described your husband so far, I don't think he will regularly take out his frustrations on Pea. But even if he does, know this - if his love for Pea is real, then Pea will be fine, regardless of what happens.

Dads, even ones that don't really know what to do with kids, are usually pretty good at figuring things out. And not all of them are as opposed to calling (ex)wives/girlfriends for help when it comes down to their own children as TV would have us believe. My mother had my father arrested, tried in court, and left my dad half in debt from all the reparations ensuing, and at that time, my parents didn't hate anyone else more than they hated each other. But when I got sick while staying with my father, the first person he called was still my mother. Whatever else parents may feel, a lot of that gets chucked right out the window when their kids are involved. And so far, your divorce isn't anywhere near as bad as my parents' was.

At this point, your best bet is that when you hand off Pea to B, just make sure to leave him with as many venues of communication open as possible.

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

I'm not too worried about Pea, either. Not when I'm in my right mind, anyway. I know that B is decent enough to ask for help (maybe not from me, but from someone) if he gets too overwhelmed. And I have several good examples of well-adjusted children of two households. I'm sure he'll turn out great. Because we do love him dearly, both of us.

And B knows he can always call me about Pea. Anytime, anywhere.

[nyxelestia.livejournal.com]

Good to hear. :)