Gay children.

[ladydrace]

Here's the thing. Following the Coming Out Day I've been made aware of by my f-list, I've returned to some of the thoughts I've had for years about what I'd do if my kid suddenly said one day: "I'm gay."

Now, considering my generally open minded approach to the GLBT oriented, I hope I'll be able to handle it well enogh to not create a rift between my kid and myself. But there is a conversation I'd like to have with my child, if the day comes. And here I'd like to appeal to the GLBT people on my f-list for an opinion on whether this is even something that should be adressed (I could be all wrong, I haven't actually had to live the life of someone 'out' at all) or if I'm just being a silly mom.

Thing is: If Pea comes up to me in his early teens and says: "Mom, I'm gay." Just out of the blue with no hint of any attraction to anything but girls up until now, I think I'd ask him to think it over just for a little while, before broadcasting it to the world. Mostly for his own protection, as I know some of the ugly behaviour that will be pointed your way if you go out and proclaim yourself gay. I'm sorry, but the world today doesn't seem ready to accept everybody yet.

My reason for this reaction is not only that I wouldn't want him to subject himself to the hate, but also that it could turn out to be nothing. Most of us go through periods of being sexually attracted to everything that breathes in our hormone overloaded teens (and in my personal experience, even some items that don't) and if he's just going through a fase, I don't want him to have to explain himself over and over, if he ends up being with a girl after telling everyone that he's gay. Or worse, confirm some of those completely rifdiculous ideas that some people have, that being gay just means you haven't met the right girl yet, or something.

BUT! If my boy comes to me, say in his early twenties with the same claim, I don't think I'd need that talk. I could resonably assume that he's been out there, experiementing and getting to know himself, and I think I'd see it as a more... informed decision than the same message would appear 10 years earlier in his life.

Am I right to think this way? Any input would be much appreciated. THINK OF THE CHILDREN! (Or in this case, Pea. )

Comments

[cyranothe2nd.livejournal.com]

I think your distinction between teen coming out and 20's coming out is fair. I mean, the teens are a time for trying on new personalities and sometimes that could mean questioning their sexuality (actually, girls usually do that in college and I'm not sure that guys do it at all. Its different for girls...more socially acceptable).

Gill and I have had several talks on the subject and I've basically explained what being gay is (her 'uncle" Erik, my best friend, is gay so that helps) and I've always told her that, when she is old enough, she will know which gender she's attracted to and whichever it is, I will always love and approve of her. To which she replies, "It's guys, mom."
She's 11 so I'll take her word on it for now.

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

Hehe, I bet she's thinking (like we all do at that age) that the mere idea is just SO embarrassing. :oP

[mrs-picard.livejournal.com]

I definitely think that a 15-year-old's statement about being gay and, let's say, a 20-year-old's are indeed to be taken differently.

The thing is - some children "show" this even in kindergarten. I know of gays who used to have crushes on fellow male classmates in elementary school. But this would be the easiest way for you to notice that Pea is gay - but then, life seldom goes the easiest way. So, I'd say that if Pea indeed always used to have crushes on girls and whatnot and then says "Mom I'm gay" at the age of 15 or something, I'd tell him as well to think about it. But you should take it seriously anyway (and maybe point out that there's something called bisexual hehe).

I mean look at me... the very first crush I had was a female teacher of mine in elementary school. I wasn't interested in guys AT ALL, only her. I was a guy as well in my mind, so, it was "natural" for me to be in love with a woman. It has never happened again, though, I've never again fallen in love with a woman. I fell in love with MUCH older men, and THAT one continues until this very day and will continue, I'm certain of it. So, what I'm saying is that the first indication doesn't always have to be the correct one. (I'm sure my whole family thought I would turn out to be a lesbian back then. No one realized that I was a boy in a girl's body who was just acting like a little boy acts. Many gays used to be in love with their female elementary school teachers, by the way. It's sorta normal. LOL)

The worst reaction you could have would be to not take it seriously or to just not discuss it at all or to harass him into behaving the way YOU want him to. (My mother is an example for that kind of FAIL.) But I doubt you'll do that. You'll understand Pea. And, of course, in case Pea really is gay, you should tell him that not everyone out there loves gay people and that he should think about what he's doing very carefully. Coming out of the closet is not easy. Trust me, I know. There will be ups and downs, and it will be important for Pea to have someone supporting him, no matter what. I do not have that support, hence my struggle. But Pea will have your support. It's unbelievable how much support can mean to a person.

Bottom line is: From what I've just read, you will do just fine with Pea. Don't worry. *hugs*

[lady-drace.livejournal.com]

I do hope if it turns out he'a something other than straight, that there would at least be some indicators, but like you say, nothing is never easy.

And I would hope that we could have a long serious talk about it. I would do my best to take him seriously. (If I found out it was a joke, his life wouldn't be worth spit...)

He is free to develop as he likes, but I hope I can make him aware of the consequenses of being like him, without seeming like I try to change him or look like I'm ashamed or something.

[macboris.livejournal.com]

When it comes to this kind of matters it really is tough to tell. I wouldn't tell you that if he's in his teens and makes a proclaimation of that kind you should dismiss it, because being in exactly this situation I know how humiliating it would be. Of course that if he tells you he's gay when he's older than that it would seem more credible, but that doesn't mean that it'd truely be more certain.
As for indication, it really depends on him. I know that when I was a really small child, I prevented myself from doing anything masculine around my parents, because I was really afraid that they wouldn't think I was a "real girl". My case is different than most though, and I hope the best for you and Pea. From what I know you, you'll be much better with these situations than my parents, and I'm sure that if this does happen he won't have go through the real bad shit.

[ahavia.livejournal.com]

Raise him to know that people love in different combinations. It would be good for him to know Gay, Lesbian and of course he will know straight couples like the 2 of you. Most times when a kid tells his parents he or she is Gay, they have thought about it for a while. My son, Hunter, said he knew when he was 3. I have to take his word for it. I did not figure it out till I was 21 and then it took till I was 30 to come out. But I believe women are a different species.
Now, here in the US, kids are not so much coming out as Gay but they 'hook' up with both sexes without an identity. That is some kids, and they are cool with this. People do different things at different times. I have had 2 husbands. Got over that but it took me a long time.
Your son will grow up loved. And you will delight in him in whatever life path he goes. I have faith.