Musings on my future life.

[ladydrace]

It's with some measure of trepidation that I realise that when the time finally comes when B is gone and Pea is away for the week, I am going to have to learn to be alone. I've never really been alone for any length of time. I've always lived with someone. When I moved away from home and got my own place, I was already dating B, which meant that he basically lived in my apartment. Shortly after that, we got a place together.

So... what does one do when one is suddenly alone? Eat meals you never get, because you're the only one who likes them? Listen to your favorite music on repeat for days on end? Spend all day in the tub? I'm not actually sure what I'll be doing. I'm hoping my muses will come back so I can get some writing done.

And all of a sudden, I'm single! I... I'm not even sure I know how to handle that! Unwanted advances were easy before. Just show my ring, no confrontation. Tempting offers were refused with only small regret. Now I'll have to consider how to do the whole dating thing.

Honestly, I suspect I'll find someone online. At least, that is where I've been met with the most... shall we say... "interest". And hey, it's always great meeting someone who'll love me for my mind first. ;o)

I do know that there are a few things I'd 'like' to try, before settling down again. I'd like to try "making out". I never really got that with B. We progressed to sex so fast I hardly remember there was ever anything else. And honestly, as much as B claimed that he would be ok with just making out and nothing more, I could always feel how disappointed he was when I put a stop to his advances.

I'd also love to test my bi-urges. See if I'm even turned on properly by real women, or if it's more of a naughty tingle.

So basically, there are lots of things to keep me occupied. I just hope I remember them when the time comes, and don't fall into the black pit of "woe is me" the second I'm on my own. I'll need all of you to help me crawl back out, if that turns out to be the case.

List of things I love, but have not had much chance of getting in my marriage:
-Making out.
-Chaste kisses.
-Techno/dance music.
-Cheese.
-Roller blinds.
-Slashy wall calenders!

Sounds stupid, but I need to hang on to these little joys, if I'm going to survive being on my own.

In other news: B is apparently being stupid as a rule these days. *sigh* He doesn't even deny it anymore. I'm really starting to look forward to the day he is out out out...

Comments

[mrs-picard.livejournal.com]

Speaking as someone who has always been single (minus a few interruptions that weren't pleasant AT ALL and are to be dismissed and not repeated), I can tell you that it is a nice thing to be alone (not in a 'live alone' sense, mind, I'm talking about the no relationship alone sense). You don't have to depend on another person and you don't have to consider hurting any feelings when you say you find someone else attractive or whatever. You're not bound by any limits. (Granted, you have Pea, but that's not what I mean here.)

I might be biased here because I absolutely and totally prefer being single above anything else, I can't stand relationships, but I do think the positive aspects outweigh the negative ones by a factor of a zillion (if there ARE any negative aspects AT ALL, for me, there aren't any, I get it that other people think differently about this, though).

I also like the idea about exploring your bi side. XD

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

Interesting post. I can totally imagine how it's both and scary and exciting to contemplate being alone for the first time.

Just take your time! It's like on my days off: I plan 100 things and then beat myself up when I only get to 5 of them. Try everything on your list, and give yourself time to savour.

And time to grieve.

[aramirandme81.livejournal.com]

Poor you!
I know we only just "met", but here.. have a hug!!

*HUG*!

There, did that help?

[mithrel.livejournal.com]

I'm sure I don't need to tell you this, but if you do find someone online just be careful!

[ahavia.livejournal.com]

Now you will have time to establish a loving relationship with yourself. Find out what you like about you and the things you love.
Use the time well.
Much hugs, Ahavia

[birggitt.livejournal.com]

I, maybe, am biased, because I certainly do prefer single to in-a-relationship, but I think you'll do really fine. You already have a plan!
I know it can be scary, everything new can be scary. But you'll find your own way to deal with the everyday stuff. At first, it can be frustrating, specially if you are used to have someone around to do this or that. It doesn't matter how big or small this or that actually is, you didn't do it before, and now you have to do it by yourself. But eventually, you'll come up with the most amazing discovery: you don't need anyone around. Maybe you want someone sharing your life, and that's ok, but you don't need him/her. It's optional, a choice, something you'll decide.
And, anytime you feel down... well, we'll be here, ready to help ♥

[casenumber825.livejournal.com]

Hmmm stuff to do when alone
Well.... whenever I'm completely alone I tend to turn music up as loud as possibly (I usually go for sexy-licious music) and dance provocatively.... because it's much fun.
And it makes you feel very good about yourself XD
Music tends to be my favourite remedy for boredom.... especially J-Pop and K-Pop.... I have to say.... Korean girl groups know how to be sexy and fierce.
Also... if I'm feeling a little bit down in the dumps and unimportant (which can happen) I have a whole list of sexy, powerful, empowering fierce songs which really help, I reccommend finding some (I can recommend some if ye want something like that)


And honestly, for me, I love being single, I like not feeling tied down by anything. Hopefully you'll grow to love it as much as I do, I'm sure you will, you're a strong person ^_^
Also... exploring your bi side sounds like a grand idea

[taricalmcacil.livejournal.com]

Being alone is...relaxing. It's nice because you don't have to worry about upsetting anyone, you can just be yourself and do what you want. There's no one to potentially make you angry either. You set the rules and decide what's going down for the day. Take the time to do something you enjoy every day and you'll be fine.

[lovefan81.livejournal.com]

You know, as horrible as the whole situation is for you at the moment, I'm excited for you. Somehow your posts sounds so full of new opportunities and make me feel really happy for you.

And believe me, as someone who's always lived alone, it's not that bad. You can do whatever and whenever you want and I don't take you as the person to get bored easily. And look at it this way, since you've never really been alone it's a great opportunity to get to know yourself better. What do you like, what do you want!

And about your little list: What's up with the cheese? And go with the wall calendars! They do brighten up every room ;-)

[prelocandkanar.livejournal.com]

Wow... great post. So many things I want to say.

First off -- and I know you know this -- keep in mind that being alone is totally different from being lonely. The loneliest I ever felt was when I was in a bad relationship, living with a guy who was closed-off and remote. I lived all by myself for about fifteen years, and I wasn't lonely a bit.

During most of that time, it's true, I had a roommate -- well, a series of roommates -- but my apartment had two bedrooms and two bathrooms, and I was rarely friends with my roommates. The roommate and I would come and go totally separately, and if I came in and she was home, most often she was in her room with the door shut. We never dined together or hung out together; it was purely economic. So I remember it as living alone.

I think it's a great idea to make a list of things you always wanted to do and couldn't do in your marriage! Write it down, and keep adding to it when new things occur to you. I love "Cheese"!! It's great to include both things that seem minor as well as those major things.

Being alone is really liberating! First of all you can do whatever you want -- or whatever you decide is best (not always the same!) -- without consulting anyone. You don't have to compromise or consider another's feelings or opinions or tastes.

But even more than that, being on your own allows you to discover who you really are. Who you are, when *you're* the only one defining who you are. Not who your mother thinks you are or should be, or who you are when you're with another person. Don't you think we kind of change, subtlely or not so subtley, when we're with another person? We have to mold ourselves to fit with that person.

If you've basically lived with someone else your whole life (as many women have), I think you're in for a treat. Who knows what you may discover about yourself? Maybe you're the sort of person who likes pizza for breakfast, but HE would have been appalled; or maybe you're someone who likes to set a pretty table to eat, but HE was a casual slob. I'm just making these things up, but you see what I mean.

Another thing about living on your own is that you will discover how strong and capable you are. When there's no one right there to lean on, you find out that you really don't need someone else to do things for you. You can either do them on your own or find a way to get them done. I can't tell you how great it makes you feel knowing that you don't *need* anyone. You may want to have someone in your life again, but wanting and needing are two very different thing.

Without being pushy, can I make a plea for you to not allow yourself to rush into another relationship too soon? Give yourself the gift of taking a good long chunk of time just on your own --well, you and Pea. After you've indulged yourself and found out how *you* like to structure your day, and after you've discovered that you can handle anything... *then*, when a relationship presents itself, you can come into it with a knowledge of who you are, what you require from a relationship, and a certainty that this is something you'd *like* but don't *need.* You'll come across as confident and totally appealing.

I've seen too many of my friends rush into another relationship too soon after a marriage has ended, or rush into dating, and it's never worked out well. One friend who started dating too soon always came across as needy and desperate. She didn't believe she could survive without a man [partner]. Another friend started a relationship with a guy who lived in her new apartment right away -- she wasn't even divorced yet, just separated. This guy turned out to be alcoholic and boorish and selfish, but she could never extract herself from him. It was so convenient, you see -- he lived right there, and it was "better than nothing."

Anyway, I'm excited for you! This could be -- scratch that; *will be* -- the start of a whole new, better life for both you and Pea! And all your friends and fans here will be cheering you on, and ready to lend an ear and send hugs whenever you need.

<3

[jonnycarnahan.livejournal.com]

I've experienced being alone after a divorce and it does take some getting used to, but your suggestions on how to spend your time are wonderful.

I found it very hard to be alone with my thoughts for quite a while, but once I embraced the solitude and began to manage the anxiety, I really enjoyed myself.

I spent so much time online. I joined an RPG so that I was writing, but doing it with others. These people quickly became friends and I shared a lot of my concerns and triumphs with a select few.

Yeah, doing all those things you could not do before is very liberating. The greatest challenge I had was keeping my thoughts positive. It took some work and I went through some very tough times, but I came out WAY ahead.

What I learned from that experience prepared me for the wonderful relationship I now have. I am stronger for it and I hope that I make a much better partner due to what I learned.

You have my love and support!

Big hugs!

[dark-sinestra.livejournal.com]

I've been married for such a long time, that I don't feel as though I can weigh in with the voice of single experience, but I can say that my husband and I have gone through periods in our life where we were apart for months at a time due to work, his or mine, and it wasn't at all horrible or lonely. What I learned during the time on my own is that I'm damned good company to myself. There's something really liberating and fun about dancing to your own rhythm, not having to consider somebody else's tastes in food, music, movies, etc. when deciding what to eat or do, and yes, having a bed to your own glorious self. Sprawl!

Of course you're going to have some tough or down moments, and you know you've got friends who are just a PM away. I predict that you'll have more up moments. Hell, woman, just being able to get several full nights of sleep in a row will make all the difference between night and day! :-D Being exhausted all the time drags you down in every way imaginable.

I'm excited for you and happy for you having the opportunity to explore some things you're curious about. I've been in relationships with men and women, and I have to say, ultimately, there really wasn't much difference between the two insofar as how to relate. The same rules apply: respect, communication, consideration...communication, but there's no need to rush into anything. It's generally better if you don't after a break-up or divorce. Takes a while for things to settle and for you to get used to being you again without pressure from somebody else.

We're rooting for you and just a message away.

[silkmoth101.livejournal.com]

Tbh, 99% of the time I LOVE to live alone. Sadly, that 1% can be hell.

You have an awesome list here, sweetie. *eg*