Musings on my future life.
Jul. 20th, 2010 06:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ladydraceIt's with some measure of trepidation that I realise that when the time finally comes when B is gone and Pea is away for the week, I am going to have to learn to be alone. I've never really been alone for any length of time. I've always lived with someone. When I moved away from home and got my own place, I was already dating B, which meant that he basically lived in my apartment. Shortly after that, we got a place together.
So... what does one do when one is suddenly alone? Eat meals you never get, because you're the only one who likes them? Listen to your favorite music on repeat for days on end? Spend all day in the tub? I'm not actually sure what I'll be doing. I'm hoping my muses will come back so I can get some writing done.
And all of a sudden, I'm single! I... I'm not even sure I know how to handle that! Unwanted advances were easy before. Just show my ring, no confrontation. Tempting offers were refused with only small regret. Now I'll have to consider how to do the whole dating thing.
Honestly, I suspect I'll find someone online. At least, that is where I've been met with the most... shall we say... "interest". And hey, it's always great meeting someone who'll love me for my mind first. ;o)
I do know that there are a few things I'd 'like' to try, before settling down again. I'd like to try "making out". I never really got that with B. We progressed to sex so fast I hardly remember there was ever anything else. And honestly, as much as B claimed that he would be ok with just making out and nothing more, I could always feel how disappointed he was when I put a stop to his advances.
I'd also love to test my bi-urges. See if I'm even turned on properly by real women, or if it's more of a naughty tingle.
So basically, there are lots of things to keep me occupied. I just hope I remember them when the time comes, and don't fall into the black pit of "woe is me" the second I'm on my own. I'll need all of you to help me crawl back out, if that turns out to be the case.
List of things I love, but have not had much chance of getting in my marriage:
-Making out.
-Chaste kisses.
-Techno/dance music.
-Cheese.
-Roller blinds.
-Slashy wall calenders!
Sounds stupid, but I need to hang on to these little joys, if I'm going to survive being on my own.
In other news: B is apparently being stupid as a rule these days. *sigh* He doesn't even deny it anymore. I'm really starting to look forward to the day he is out out out...
So... what does one do when one is suddenly alone? Eat meals you never get, because you're the only one who likes them? Listen to your favorite music on repeat for days on end? Spend all day in the tub? I'm not actually sure what I'll be doing. I'm hoping my muses will come back so I can get some writing done.
And all of a sudden, I'm single! I... I'm not even sure I know how to handle that! Unwanted advances were easy before. Just show my ring, no confrontation. Tempting offers were refused with only small regret. Now I'll have to consider how to do the whole dating thing.
Honestly, I suspect I'll find someone online. At least, that is where I've been met with the most... shall we say... "interest". And hey, it's always great meeting someone who'll love me for my mind first. ;o)
I do know that there are a few things I'd 'like' to try, before settling down again. I'd like to try "making out". I never really got that with B. We progressed to sex so fast I hardly remember there was ever anything else. And honestly, as much as B claimed that he would be ok with just making out and nothing more, I could always feel how disappointed he was when I put a stop to his advances.
I'd also love to test my bi-urges. See if I'm even turned on properly by real women, or if it's more of a naughty tingle.
So basically, there are lots of things to keep me occupied. I just hope I remember them when the time comes, and don't fall into the black pit of "woe is me" the second I'm on my own. I'll need all of you to help me crawl back out, if that turns out to be the case.
List of things I love, but have not had much chance of getting in my marriage:
-Making out.
-Chaste kisses.
-Techno/dance music.
-Cheese.
-Roller blinds.
-Slashy wall calenders!
Sounds stupid, but I need to hang on to these little joys, if I'm going to survive being on my own.
In other news: B is apparently being stupid as a rule these days. *sigh* He doesn't even deny it anymore. I'm really starting to look forward to the day he is out out out...
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-07-20 04:47 pm (UTC)I might be biased here because I absolutely and totally prefer being single above anything else, I can't stand relationships, but I do think the positive aspects outweigh the negative ones by a factor of a zillion (if there ARE any negative aspects AT ALL, for me, there aren't any, I get it that other people think differently about this, though).
I also like the idea about exploring your bi side. XD
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Date: 2010-07-21 04:43 am (UTC)I hope it'll be fun!
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Date: 2010-07-20 04:56 pm (UTC)Just take your time! It's like on my days off: I plan 100 things and then beat myself up when I only get to 5 of them. Try everything on your list, and give yourself time to savour.
And time to grieve.
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Date: 2010-07-21 04:47 am (UTC)I think I'll be spending the first long while simply 'being'. Not 'doing'. I don't want to pressure myself when I've finally got time to chill.
And yeah, the grief will need some time too.
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Date: 2010-07-20 05:42 pm (UTC)I know we only just "met", but here.. have a hug!!
*HUG*!
There, did that help?
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Date: 2010-07-21 04:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-20 06:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-21 04:50 am (UTC)I think what I meant was that it might be someone I already know. No one particular, but I have a rather large circle of friends through online gaming and it wouldn't be at all unlikely getting together with one of them. Just... you know... when considering options.
Online dating has always struck me as a little... uhm... strange. I'd rather meet someone over a shared interest than get together purely for the sake of "finding someone".
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Date: 2010-07-21 04:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-20 07:12 pm (UTC)Use the time well.
Much hugs, Ahavia
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Date: 2010-07-21 04:51 am (UTC)*HUGS*
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Date: 2010-07-20 07:31 pm (UTC)I know it can be scary, everything new can be scary. But you'll find your own way to deal with the everyday stuff. At first, it can be frustrating, specially if you are used to have someone around to do this or that. It doesn't matter how big or small this or that actually is, you didn't do it before, and now you have to do it by yourself. But eventually, you'll come up with the most amazing discovery: you don't need anyone around. Maybe you want someone sharing your life, and that's ok, but you don't need him/her. It's optional, a choice, something you'll decide.
And, anytime you feel down... well, we'll be here, ready to help ♥
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Date: 2010-07-21 04:55 am (UTC)We've never merged anything, either. Always seperate accounts, paying our own bills and generally having our own "spaces".
So I think the only real change will be that someone is not going to "come home" at some point. And sleeping alone. That one is going to be hard. Unless, of course, I simply decide to fall asleep to The Shadow like I did for a few years when I lived at home. ;o) I CAN DO THAT!!!
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Date: 2010-07-21 08:50 am (UTC)Well, that should make everything a lot easier! Practical stuff can be a birch, and you have that already sorted out! Smart girl!
Unless, of course, I simply decide to fall asleep to The Shadow
*laughs* That's the best solution!!!
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Date: 2010-07-21 06:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-20 08:07 pm (UTC)Well.... whenever I'm completely alone I tend to turn music up as loud as possibly (I usually go for sexy-licious music) and dance provocatively.... because it's much fun.
And it makes you feel very good about yourself XD
Music tends to be my favourite remedy for boredom.... especially J-Pop and K-Pop.... I have to say.... Korean girl groups know how to be sexy and fierce.
Also... if I'm feeling a little bit down in the dumps and unimportant (which can happen) I have a whole list of sexy, powerful, empowering fierce songs which really help, I reccommend finding some (I can recommend some if ye want something like that)
And honestly, for me, I love being single, I like not feeling tied down by anything. Hopefully you'll grow to love it as much as I do, I'm sure you will, you're a strong person ^_^
Also... exploring your bi side sounds like a grand idea
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Date: 2010-07-21 04:59 am (UTC)(Maybe I'll find me a sweet lady to bump pelvis with...)
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Date: 2010-07-21 02:51 pm (UTC)Though currently it's been two songs that I've been obsessing over.
There this one:
Which is just awesome-sauce (also HyunA -the blonde one- is just so gorgeous)
In fact 4minute are just the queens of epic sexy dance music XD
And that one is just so much fun.... and gets stuck in your head so easily
I'll be sitting at work going 'Bbi ri bop a, bbi ri bop a etc etc'
Then again.... I listen to far to much Korean/Japanese/Chinese music, it's much more exciting.... I'm very uneducated when it comes to Western music XD
And yes, definately go find yourself a sweet lady to bumb pelvis with..... sounds like fun XD
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Date: 2010-07-21 07:00 pm (UTC)I'd love to find out more! Where would I go?
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Date: 2010-07-21 08:30 pm (UTC)She is just epic.
J-Pop and K-Pop has been my music obsession for at least 5 years now.
I tend to go to places like jpopasia.com for news of release
allkpop.com is great of K-Pop and Korean entertainment news.
As I said, 4minute are just amazing:
Other geat K-Pop girl groups (I tend to prefer the girl groups to male groups):
2NE1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KbLZm5SHX_8)
After School (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6_9IhH_Mq0)
Brown Eyed Girls (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIUk0vzhOdw)
Girl's Generation (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_gfD3nvh-8) (a bit more cutesy but still)
Miss A (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7f3lx9fNfE) (Debuted this year)
Sistar (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QP6AFuU4Cnc) (also debuted this year)
f(x) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZcy_P7RxmE)
Solo K-Pop singers:
Narsha (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KE9PMU-uDfU) (from Brown Eyed Girls, solo debut this year)
Gummy (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-_eR48cHes) (epic voice)
Lee Hyori (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ywypkoDNSQ)
Baek Ji Young (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bz4uO_KxCEE) (Queen of the ballads)
BoA (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FokCBvZ7nlQ)
(Also in J-Pop)
As for J-Pop... they do much better in terms of solo singer
If you like that Namie song you'll probably like Koda Kumi:
FREAKY (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TuwWWdy_jEU)
TABOO (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SdX-Acf0AI) (This video is just amazing)
Koda is definately the best sexy singer you'll get.
If ye want any more just general J-Pop solo singer reccommendations I can surely provide... but I fear you may be getting bored by now
I leave you with some sexy HyunA in her first solo video:
no subject
Date: 2010-07-23 03:32 pm (UTC)And all these asian beauties are just DELICIOUS!
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Date: 2010-07-23 05:32 pm (UTC)And J-Pop and K-Pop is very big shiny fandom XD Never leaves you waiting for anything ^_^
And they really are, especialy HyunA and Koda Kumi (also, both have this special ability to be adorable as well....)
^^^ this live performance a such a amazing combination of sexy and sweet (seriously.... I reckon the whole audience was jealous of that fan at the end)
AND HYUNA IS BEING ADORABLE:
Seriously.... the major difference between Asian and Western pop stars.... Asian stars (or idols) are actually so much fun
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Date: 2010-07-23 08:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-20 08:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-21 05:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-20 08:44 pm (UTC)And believe me, as someone who's always lived alone, it's not that bad. You can do whatever and whenever you want and I don't take you as the person to get bored easily. And look at it this way, since you've never really been alone it's a great opportunity to get to know yourself better. What do you like, what do you want!
And about your little list: What's up with the cheese? And go with the wall calendars! They do brighten up every room ;-)
no subject
Date: 2010-07-21 05:04 am (UTC)If I get bored, my mother will kick my ass. She always said that "intelligent people are never bored". Meaning: "No kid of mine is stupid enough to get bored!". Hehe. No, I doubt I'll get bored.
I am going to order the next Arthur/Merlin calendar. Oh yes. And maybe one with some gay porn theme or something. Mwahahaha.
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Date: 2010-07-20 11:44 pm (UTC)First off -- and I know you know this -- keep in mind that being alone is totally different from being lonely. The loneliest I ever felt was when I was in a bad relationship, living with a guy who was closed-off and remote. I lived all by myself for about fifteen years, and I wasn't lonely a bit.
During most of that time, it's true, I had a roommate -- well, a series of roommates -- but my apartment had two bedrooms and two bathrooms, and I was rarely friends with my roommates. The roommate and I would come and go totally separately, and if I came in and she was home, most often she was in her room with the door shut. We never dined together or hung out together; it was purely economic. So I remember it as living alone.
I think it's a great idea to make a list of things you always wanted to do and couldn't do in your marriage! Write it down, and keep adding to it when new things occur to you. I love "Cheese"!! It's great to include both things that seem minor as well as those major things.
Being alone is really liberating! First of all you can do whatever you want -- or whatever you decide is best (not always the same!) -- without consulting anyone. You don't have to compromise or consider another's feelings or opinions or tastes.
But even more than that, being on your own allows you to discover who you really are. Who you are, when *you're* the only one defining who you are. Not who your mother thinks you are or should be, or who you are when you're with another person. Don't you think we kind of change, subtlely or not so subtley, when we're with another person? We have to mold ourselves to fit with that person.
If you've basically lived with someone else your whole life (as many women have), I think you're in for a treat. Who knows what you may discover about yourself? Maybe you're the sort of person who likes pizza for breakfast, but HE would have been appalled; or maybe you're someone who likes to set a pretty table to eat, but HE was a casual slob. I'm just making these things up, but you see what I mean.
Another thing about living on your own is that you will discover how strong and capable you are. When there's no one right there to lean on, you find out that you really don't need someone else to do things for you. You can either do them on your own or find a way to get them done. I can't tell you how great it makes you feel knowing that you don't *need* anyone. You may want to have someone in your life again, but wanting and needing are two very different thing.
Without being pushy, can I make a plea for you to not allow yourself to rush into another relationship too soon? Give yourself the gift of taking a good long chunk of time just on your own --well, you and Pea. After you've indulged yourself and found out how *you* like to structure your day, and after you've discovered that you can handle anything... *then*, when a relationship presents itself, you can come into it with a knowledge of who you are, what you require from a relationship, and a certainty that this is something you'd *like* but don't *need.* You'll come across as confident and totally appealing.
I've seen too many of my friends rush into another relationship too soon after a marriage has ended, or rush into dating, and it's never worked out well. One friend who started dating too soon always came across as needy and desperate. She didn't believe she could survive without a man [partner]. Another friend started a relationship with a guy who lived in her new apartment right away -- she wasn't even divorced yet, just separated. This guy turned out to be alcoholic and boorish and selfish, but she could never extract herself from him. It was so convenient, you see -- he lived right there, and it was "better than nothing."
Anyway, I'm excited for you! This could be -- scratch that; *will be* -- the start of a whole new, better life for both you and Pea! And all your friends and fans here will be cheering you on, and ready to lend an ear and send hugs whenever you need.
<3
no subject
Date: 2010-07-21 05:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-21 12:02 pm (UTC)I found it very hard to be alone with my thoughts for quite a while, but once I embraced the solitude and began to manage the anxiety, I really enjoyed myself.
I spent so much time online. I joined an RPG so that I was writing, but doing it with others. These people quickly became friends and I shared a lot of my concerns and triumphs with a select few.
Yeah, doing all those things you could not do before is very liberating. The greatest challenge I had was keeping my thoughts positive. It took some work and I went through some very tough times, but I came out WAY ahead.
What I learned from that experience prepared me for the wonderful relationship I now have. I am stronger for it and I hope that I make a much better partner due to what I learned.
You have my love and support!
Big hugs!
no subject
Date: 2010-07-21 07:02 pm (UTC)*HUGS*
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Date: 2010-07-21 12:43 pm (UTC)Of course you're going to have some tough or down moments, and you know you've got friends who are just a PM away. I predict that you'll have more up moments. Hell, woman, just being able to get several full nights of sleep in a row will make all the difference between night and day! :-D Being exhausted all the time drags you down in every way imaginable.
I'm excited for you and happy for you having the opportunity to explore some things you're curious about. I've been in relationships with men and women, and I have to say, ultimately, there really wasn't much difference between the two insofar as how to relate. The same rules apply: respect, communication, consideration...communication, but there's no need to rush into anything. It's generally better if you don't after a break-up or divorce. Takes a while for things to settle and for you to get used to being you again without pressure from somebody else.
We're rooting for you and just a message away.
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Date: 2010-07-21 07:04 pm (UTC)Yeah, I don't expect to go "on the market" again for a good while yet. If I do, I'll just come across as desperate and that's never attractive to anyone but jerks.
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Date: 2010-07-21 03:23 pm (UTC)You have an awesome list here, sweetie. *eg*
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Date: 2010-07-21 07:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-21 07:13 pm (UTC)You bet we will. :D
*uses most innocent icon ever*